Previously in New Column!

COME AND GET HIM!

STRANGER WRITER DAN SAVAGE WANTED FOR FELONY ASSAULT AND PERJURY

SEATTLE, February 3 -- Dan Savage-father, nationally syndicated sex advice columnist, associate editor of The Stranger, and author of two books-is on the lam after hearing he could be charged with felony assault and perjury in Iowa. In an article in last week's Stranger ["Germ Warfare," Jan 27], which also ran in the online magazine Salon, Savage detailed his undercover stint for the Gary Bauer campaign in Iowa last week, and his efforts to infect the Republican presidential hopeful with the flu. Savage sneezed, coughed, licked, and spat on every available surface and person at Bauer's campaign headquarters in Des Moines, after seeing the candidate on television speaking out against gay marriage. According to Savage's article, he wanted to get close enough to Bauer to infect him and "lay him flat" before the New Hampshire primary.

In an article in the January 28 New York Post, Rod Dreher attacked Savage for his piece, calling it "fevered propaganda." Dreher went on to describe his last Thanksgiving, when the writer and his wife spent several days in the hospital watching their "flu-infected newborn gut it out with tubes coming out of his feet." Dreher spoke with the Iowa attorney general's office and found that Savage's prank makes him liable for felony charges. And, because Savage -- a resident of Washington state -- signed an Iowa voter registration form, he committed perjury.

Dan Savage is unavailable for comment, and currently under "deep cover." But Tim Keck, The Stranger's publisher, issued this official statement this morning: "Tell that Iowa pig-farmer of a governor and his inbred State Patrol that if they're going after Savage, they better bring a lot of body bags. They so much as look at him funny, and it's gonna be toe-to-toe thermonuclear war with the Iowans."

We at The Stranger realize that many of our readers are often too busy to write us the kind of hate- and vulgarity-filled responses that fill our letters page every week (see pg. 5). So in our continuing effort to save you time, we have created a simple form designed for you to air your invective-laced grievances. Just fill in the blanks, clip, mail, and watch our insecure writers experience an emotional collapse, their lives forever ruined by your stinging venom. Yes, it's that easy!

Dear Assholes:

What is up with ___________'s story about ________________? It's fucking unreadable! Maybe if __________ didn't hang out so much at the ______________ with his/her "hipster elite" friends (the Murder City Devils), he/she wouldn't sound like such a goddamned fucking moronic idiot. How dare you insult ____________, the greatest _________ ever to grace the planet? He/She has more talent in their ___________ than any of you will ever express in your tired, holier-than-thou, alcohol-soaked, yellow tabloid trash.

And another thing! The Stranger's hackneyed "we-hate-everything" stance makes me want to vomit -- ON YOU. Oh, and please... PLEASE, send _____________ back to _______________. He/She is a horrible writer, deficient of both talent and humanity, and deserves to have his/her ____________ devoured by ___________. In conclusion, yours is a despicable, loathsome rag not fit to wipe a leper's bottom, so fuck YOU, you FUCKING FUCKS.

_________________

Your Name Here

When Boston Market opened in what had been a Red Robin on Capitol Hill's Olive Way, they hung a plaque by the door, dedicating the restaurant to the survivors of breast cancer. The dedication struck me as odd, since much of what Boston Market served (pork, beef, and chicken) was carcinogenic. Anyway, when Boston Market went tits up and closed their Olive Way location, the plaque remained, the empty building standing as a monument to the survivors of breast cancer everywhere. Recently, a Starbucks opened in the old Boston Market/Red Robin building, and when I walked by the other day I noticed that the plaque was gone.

Who made the decision to remove the plaque? What happened to it? I called Starbucks' corporate offices and left messages for Sonia Gould, Starbucks' media relations maven, but she never called me back. So I called the Olive Way Starbucks and spoke with Lea, a barista, who's been with Starbucks for three years.

There used to be a plaque on the building you work in, Lea, dedicating Boston Market to the survivors of breast cancer.

Really? That's weird. Why would they dedicate a restaurant to breast cancer?

I don't know. The plaque is gone now, Lea. What happened to the plaque?

You know, I don't know, I really don't.

Did it get thrown in the trash?

I hope not! That would be horrible! Now I'm curious to know what happened. You should call corporate headquarters, I think.

I tried that and no one called me back. Are any Starbucks locations dedicated to the sufferers of specific diseases?

I can say probably not.

Any chance the new Olive Way Starbucks could be dedicated to, say, the survivors of lupus or flesh-eating bacteria?

You know, I don't have any control over that. I can certainly think about it, but I don't have authority to officially dedicate this place to anyone.

Are you personally opposed to breast cancer, Lea?

I am. It's personal in my life as well as other people's. It's been in my family, and it's something I'm concerned about.

Is Starbucks opposed to breast cancer?

I don't know that Starbucks as a corporation can be "opposed" to any disease. But it's a horrible thing, and I'm sure no one at Starbucks would wish it on anyone.