Grab Bag
Previously in New Column!
Forbes Courts Zombie VoteVows to Protect "Rights of the Undead"
WILMINGTON, DELAWARE, February 8 -- In an attempt to broaden his appeal among social conservatives, publisher Steve Forbes stated on Tuesday that if elected president, he would pursue legislation aimed at protecting America's undead.
Speaking to a crowd of 300 supporters at the Town and Country Diner, Forbes declared, "In keeping with the traditions of our forefathers, who bestowed upon us certain inalienable rights, I strongly believe in preserving the sanctity of reanimated, flesh-craving limbo."
He then added, "The slaughter of thousands of our nation's zombies by shovel- and torch-wielding mobs is yet another example of the deepening moral crisis facing our country, and must be stopped." An approving crowd interrupted with moans and wails at several points throughout the speech.
Cecil Jenkins, a zombie and foreman at a local mill, was less enthusiastic. "I'm interested in his flat tax proposal, but like many other zombies, I'll be voting for Gore."
After being informed that "Gore" denoted Vice President Al Gore and not an endless river of human entrails, Jenkins was visibly disappointed and hobbled away muttering, "Brains, brains! I crave brains!"
Backed by several prominent pro-zombie conservatives, including Sen. Jesse Helms and Sen. Strom Thurmond, Forbes remained optimistic even as nationwide polls show him trailing by a growing margin.
"I am the only true conservative vying for the nomination," Forbes reminded the largely undead audience, "and the only candidate committed to speaking for the legions of grave-escaping, foot-shuffling, flesh-eating corpses of America."
***ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2000*****ROAD TO THE WHITE HOUSE 2000**
From the Feb 10 - Feb 16, 2000 issue
STRANGER WRITER DAN SAVAGE WANTED FOR FELONY ASSAULT AND PERJURY
SEATTLE, February 3 -- Dan Savage-father, nationally syndicated sex advice columnist, associate editor of The Stranger, and author of two books-is on the lam after hearing he could be charged with felony assault and perjury in Iowa. In an article in last week's Stranger ["Germ Warfare," Jan 27], which also ran in the online magazine Salon, Savage detailed his undercover stint for the Gary Bauer campaign in Iowa last week, and his efforts to infect the Republican presidential hopeful with the flu. Savage sneezed, coughed, licked, and spat on every available surface and person at Bauer's campaign headquarters in Des Moines, after seeing the candidate on television speaking out against gay marriage. According to Savage's article, he wanted to get close enough to Bauer to infect him and "lay him flat" before the New Hampshire primary.
In an article in the January 28 New York Post, Rod Dreher attacked Savage for his piece, calling it "fevered propaganda." Dreher went on to describe his last Thanksgiving, when the writer and his wife spent several days in the hospital watching their "flu-infected newborn gut it out with tubes coming out of his feet." Dreher spoke with the Iowa attorney general's office and found that Savage's prank makes him liable for felony charges. And, because Savage -- a resident of Washington state -- signed an Iowa voter registration form, he committed perjury.
Dan Savage is unavailable for comment, and currently under "deep cover." But Tim Keck, The Stranger's publisher, issued this official statement this morning: "Tell that Iowa pig-farmer of a governor and his inbred State Patrol that if they're going after Savage, they better bring a lot of body bags. They so much as look at him funny, and it's gonna be toe-to-toe thermonuclear war with the Iowans."
From the Feb 3 - Feb 9, 2000 issue
Dear Assholes:
What is up with ___________'s story about ________________? It's fucking unreadable! Maybe if __________ didn't hang out so much at the ______________ with his/her "hipster elite" friends (the Murder City Devils), he/she wouldn't sound like such a goddamned fucking moronic idiot. How dare you insult ____________, the greatest _________ ever to grace the planet? He/She has more talent in their ___________ than any of you will ever express in your tired, holier-than-thou, alcohol-soaked, yellow tabloid trash.
And another thing! The Stranger's hackneyed "we-hate-everything" stance makes me want to vomit -- ON YOU. Oh, and please... PLEASE, send _____________ back to _______________. He/She is a horrible writer, deficient of both talent and humanity, and deserves to have his/her ____________ devoured by ___________. In conclusion, yours is a despicable, loathsome rag not fit to wipe a leper's bottom, so fuck YOU, you FUCKING FUCKS.
_________________
Your Name Here
From the Jan 27 - Feb 2, 2000 issue
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