Previously in New Column!

Look at this stupid kitten. Who could love such a stupid kitten? It can't talk. It can't fetch the paper. It's always licking itself. It even has to pee in a box; it can't even flush a toilet! Why would anyone want to own such a stupid, worthless kitten? You'd be better off with a puppy. At least they do something! All this stupid kitten does is eat and sleep. Look at it. Look at this kitten. Stupid, stupid kitten.

Look at this stupid baby. Who could love such a stupid baby? It can't talk. It can't feed itself. It can't even stand up without falling on its stupid baby butt. Imagine the embarrassment the parents must feel. Though abortion is morally wrong, it should have at least been a consideration for this stupid baby. This baby is completely useless in every conceivable way. Look at it. Look at this baby. Stupid, stupid baby.Stupid, Stupid Baby! Forbes Courts Zombie Vote

Vows to Protect "Rights of the Undead"

WILMINGTON, DELAWARE, February 8 -- In an attempt to broaden his appeal among social conservatives, publisher Steve Forbes stated on Tuesday that if elected president, he would pursue legislation aimed at protecting America's undead.

Speaking to a crowd of 300 supporters at the Town and Country Diner, Forbes declared, "In keeping with the traditions of our forefathers, who bestowed upon us certain inalienable rights, I strongly believe in preserving the sanctity of reanimated, flesh-craving limbo."

He then added, "The slaughter of thousands of our nation's zombies by shovel- and torch-wielding mobs is yet another example of the deepening moral crisis facing our country, and must be stopped." An approving crowd interrupted with moans and wails at several points throughout the speech.

Cecil Jenkins, a zombie and foreman at a local mill, was less enthusiastic. "I'm interested in his flat tax proposal, but like many other zombies, I'll be voting for Gore."

After being informed that "Gore" denoted Vice President Al Gore and not an endless river of human entrails, Jenkins was visibly disappointed and hobbled away muttering, "Brains, brains! I crave brains!"

Backed by several prominent pro-zombie conservatives, including Sen. Jesse Helms and Sen. Strom Thurmond, Forbes remained optimistic even as nationwide polls show him trailing by a growing margin.

"I am the only true conservative vying for the nomination," Forbes reminded the largely undead audience, "and the only candidate committed to speaking for the legions of grave-escaping, foot-shuffling, flesh-eating corpses of America."