Previously in New Column!

Every week we work our guts out to bring you thrilling, one-of-a-kind columns, such as the brilliant "Stupid, Stupid Baby," the incisive "Stupid, Stupid Kitten," and the fearless "Stupid, Stupid Crouton." What do we get in return? Nothing but whiny letters from ignorant jerks! You think it's easy to come up with a new column every week? It's difficult! Just look at Seattle Weekly, where every attempt at a "sassy new column" is so depressing that local suicide rates shoot up like it's Sylvia Plath's birthday. Not that we're in any better shape over here. Wm. Steven Humphrey (the only person with a soul ever to work at The Stranger) is ditching us to become an ass model/monkey trainer in Portland; Dan Savage is too busy slobbering on doorknobs and lunching with Mork to do shit; and Jennifer Vogel, when she's not throwing hammers or puking up half-digested shots of Jägermeister, is occupied with the only task ever required of any Stranger editor -- giving lap dances. So fuck you guys. We give up. Think you can do better? Just try it. If any one of you can come up with a column worth a rat's ass, we'll run it right here and pay you $25. Good fucking luck.

Send your column (200 words or less) along with pertinent contact information to: New Column! c/o The Stranger, 1535 11th Ave., Third Floor, Seattle, WA 98122.

From the Mar 9 - Mar 15, 2000 issue

Look at this stupid crouton. Who would want to eat such a stupid crouton? It's not even food. It's just stale bread covered in salt. You'd be better off eating a cracker; at least that's food. All this stupid crouton does is sit on top of a salad, and if it wasn't there you wouldn't even miss it. Look at it. Look at this crouton. Stupid, stupid crouton.

From the Mar 2 - Mar 8, 2000 issue

Look at this stupid kitten. Who could love such a stupid kitten? It can't talk. It can't fetch the paper. It's always licking itself. It even has to pee in a box; it can't even flush a toilet! Why would anyone want to own such a stupid, worthless kitten? You'd be better off with a puppy. At least they do something! All this stupid kitten does is eat and sleep. Look at it. Look at this kitten. Stupid, stupid kitten.

From the Feb 24 - Mar 1, 2000 issue