Grab Bag
Several weeks ago, The Stranger published a written challenge from furious citizen Josh Menard, who was hungry for the opportunity to fight two police officers who are guilty of committing egregious sins during the WTO protests (specifically, the sin of kicking a helpless guy in the nuts, and the sin of pepper-spraying two women sitting innocently in a car). Perhaps you remember the accompanying photo of Mr. Menard, with arms of steel and a gaze of death. Well, burly Josh's burly challenge didn't fall on deaf ears. First came a call from a Seattle-area martial arts center, offering to host the battle between Menard and the cops, free of charge. Next came a call from radio station KISW, which featured Mr. Menard on its call-in morning show (where Menard received not one but two calls from police officers confirming his assertion that the challenged cops are wusses). Finally there came a mysterious call from a man identifying himself as "a police officer from the West Precinct," informing Mr. Menard that should he wish to tussle with some cops, he need only attend a regular, cops-only, no-holds-barred Tuesday night fight club at an undisclosed location. The Stranger promptly called the West Precinct, but the officer who answered the phone (after a whopping 34 rings--what the hell's going on over there?) denied any knowledge of an in-house fight club, adding, "Any officer showing up with a busted face would have to explain himself to his superior." As of yet, there has not been one call from an officer brave enough to accept Josh's challenge AND leave his name.
So here's Marcie. Marcie is seven years old, a second-grader at Lowell Elementary School, and a sufferer from both mild asthma and a minor club foot. As Josh Menard is obviously too much of a threat to the cowardly cops, Marcie has valiantly agreed to kick off her prescription shoes and step up to the cop-clobbering plate. If either of the two wussy WTO coppers are willing to accept Marcie's challenge, please call The Stranger at 323-7101.
Previously in New Column!
A packed 'n' screaming house learned the true meaning of the word "pizzazz" this past Thursday at Consolidated Works, where 15 freakishly talented acts competed for an absolutely stunning array of prizes in The Stranger's first annual, citywide talent show, PIZZAZZ! Hosted by The Stranger's own David Schmader and blessed with not one but two mind-blowing guest spots by the inimitable Dina Martina, PIZZAZZ! paraded a cornucopia of singers, dancers, needle-eaters, slam poets, and inexplicably masked goth freaks before a panel of celebrity judges, including Q13 anchor Leslie Miller, Fastback Kim Warnick, Insurance Commissioner/U.S. Senate hopeful Deborah Senn, retired Superior Court Judge Terry Carroll, and beloved sex columnist/alleged felon Dan Savage. Third prize went to the charming, crowd-pleasing, and highly original musical performance of the Trachtenberg Family Players; second prize to the enthralling sonic storm of the Anzanga Marimba Ensemble; and first prize to the sultry stomach-shimmying of belly dancer Sabura (pictured right). Sabura trotted off with a fabulous Grand Prize package, featuring dinner for two at both Atlas Foods and Coastal Kitchen, full passes for two to both Bumbershoot and WOMAD, a 10-week training session with Future Stars Model and Talent Agency (including audition coaching and photo shoot), AND, courtesy of Asian Pacific Travel, an all-expenses paid trip for two to Disneyland! "Holy fuck!" you say. "I didn't know the prizes were gonna be THAT good!" That'll learn you to underestimate your favorite alternative newsweekly, you shithead. (Auditions for next year's PIZZAZZ! will be held Easter weekend, 2001. See you there!)
From the May 18 - May 24, 2000 issue
This week's topic:
The 25th Anniversary of the Fall of Saigon!
North beat South, we fled
Tails between legs, like wusses.
And then came disco.
From the May 11 - May 17, 2000 issue
When Dan Savage was indicted on charges of voter fraud in Iowa last week, we here at The Stranger were very surprised. Not that Dan was charged with a felony, mind you, but that it took this long, and stemmed from such a boring crime. Over the years, America's favorite faggot has committed countless misdeeds far more heinous than allegedly fibbing on a caucus registration form. Here are some of Dan's more vociferous victims, along with suggested punishments to fit the crimes.
"When Dan Savage was a waiter at Cafe Septieme, he was very impertinent, and served me several lukewarm omelets."
-- Lars Mullen, investment banker
Suggested Sentence: 500 hours community service
"With his hateful, heartless writing, Dan Savage set the Gay movement back 450 years. Plus, he stabbed my mother."
-- Tom Flint, former editor, Seattle Gay News
Suggested Sentence: Mandatory grand-marshaling of Seattle's gay pride parade for the next 50 years
"With his theater company Greek Active, Dan Savage repeatedly directed me to wear women's clothing and act like Daffy Duck."
-- Charles Smith, classically trained actor
Suggested Sentence: 14 years on a chain gang
"Dan Savage always spells the word 'cunnilingus' wrong. Always."
-- Melody Moss, Stranger copy editor
Suggested Sentence: Death by lethal injection
From the May 4 - May 10, 2000 issue
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