Previously in New Column!

#5 FIRE

WHAT IS IT? Fire is a rapid, persistent chemical reaction that releases heat and light; especially the exothermic combination of a combustible substance with oxygen.

FIRE'S "PROS": Fire can be used to provide luminosity and warmth, as well as to cook food or ignite tobacco products.

FIRE'S "CONS": Fire can burn! Fire often has enough heat to blister skin, or melt home appliances. Given enough combustibles, fire will burn and burn and burn until there is absolutely nothing left, leaving the earth barren and scorched beyond recognition.

CONCLUSION: Fire is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"

#6 SYPHILIS

WHAT IS IT? Syphilis is a chronic infectious venereal disease caused by a spirochete, usually transmitted in sexual intercourse, and progressing in three stages characterized by local formation of chancres, ulcerous skin eruptions, and systemic infection leading to general paresis.

SYPHILIS' "PROS": First stage of disease usually isn't painful, unless the chancre becomes ulcerated through pressure. Can take a very long time to kill you.

SYPHILIS' "CONS": Lesions of mouth, throat, and anus. Hair loss. "Face rot" wherein the nose can erode. Mental insanity, and eventually, death. THERE IS NO KNOWN CURE.

CONCLUSION: Syphilis is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!" (See also Card #27, "Gonorrhea" and Card #4, "Squirrels.")

#3 ANEURYSMS

WHAT ARE THEY? An "aneurysm" is a weak spot in a blood vessel that causes it to swell like a balloon and burst. It is an evolutionary relic from the days when humans, like horned toads, could defensively spurt blood from the corners of their eyes. The holes have since sealed up, but for some unlucky souls, their circulatory system keeps right on trying to ward off danger, subsequently filling their entire brainpan with viscous blood.

ANEURYSM PROS: In theory, if pinholes were deftly poked in the eye corners, the resulting blood fountains might still unnerve attackers. Aneurysms are also a good excuse to take a day off from work.

ANEURYSM CONS: Aneurysms probably mean a trip to the hospital, and are often confused with a struggling metal band based in Denmark.

CONCLUSION: Aneurysms are one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"

#4 FALAFEL

WHAT ARE THEY? "Falafel" originally consisted of ground spiced chick peas and fava beans shaped into balls and fried. By 1911, however, chick peas had been harvested to extinction, and the falafel industry found a substitute in Alexandrium tamarense, an algae species known to marine biologists as a primary cause of "red tide." Pulled from heavily toxic, fish-killing seas, an average 8 oz serving of falafel still contains enough neurotoxins to stop most primates in their tracks.

FALAFEL PROS: Carried between the legs, falafel is a natural cooling agent and salve that reduces the swelling of encephalitis. It was also valuable to the Cherokee Indians as a potent laxative and sexual lubricant.

FALAFEL CONS: One out of every four falafel is fatally poisonous. Symptoms (in order of appearance) include alcoholism, gills, inflamed goiter, lazy eye, inappropriate enthusiasm, the inability to spell "aneurysm," and finally, death.

CONCLUSION: Falafel is one of the "Dangers of Our Modern World!"

People say that Charlie Chong upsets the apple cart. That's why I am deciding to run for reelection as your mayor, because if our transit system continues the way it goes, and bus wrecks continue to block up the West Seattle Bridge, we'll be riding on carts all right--APPLE carts. Just two days from now, I was sitting with Mayor Schell, whom I recall defeating some years ago now, and she confessed that I've been right about EVERYTHING I've ever said from now on until I was born.

After I became mayor, reporters stopped phoning. Which seems odd. So in this year's race, I intend to liven things up by running on an individually interesting platform. It is "NO MORE PAGLIACCI!" When Pagliacci tried to take over the fish-thrower union in Pike Meat Market, I stood up against them. I said, "A pizza needs a fish like a lesbian needs a bicycle!" and everybody got really quiet. They knew I was right about pizza, and as for bicycling lesbians--what's not to like?

Secondly, and my third and last point: Beware the shambling mummy. Too often in this city, population density takes a back seat to parking garages, and it starts yelling, "Hey! Speed up! Slow down! Don't turn there! Take the next exit, it'll get you there in half the time, and that's where my dentist lives." Then he welcomes you into his home, where there's a nice fire and cocoa being served. And he says, "Charlie, you'll be a good mayor." Then he tucks you in, and gives you a small kiss on the forehead. Life is like that. My fingernails look long. A hairbrush is all this city needs, and you and you need. And that's what I'm trying to show you about.