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And here's another thing I'm saying. I read in the newspaper that I'm running for City Council. Didn't I already do this? I won, didn't I? I thought I was running for mayor. Did I win? I distinctly remember attending a City Council meeting just this morning. It was this big room with a lesbian in it, and syrup was on the table. I had half a papaya, just like I do every morning, with sliced bananas, and--don't forget--two squirt, squirts of lime. Delicious. You know, with the weather turning warmer, one snowplow can be had for the price of two llamas... and with TWICE the efficiency! But you'll never hear that from the lips of the downtown developers. Nordstrom gets all the llamas they want. And these are some of the differences I'm trying to show you about.

Previously in New Column!

Attaining Hair That Glistens With Health
with MILDRED GRAVES RYAN

(The following helpful tip is from Mrs. Ryan's 1947 guide to keeping oneself well-dressed and fit, Clothes for You.)

TIP #2: Brushing your hair while in this position (SEE PHOTO) will help to nourish and stimulate your scalp.

From the May 6 - May 12, 1999 issue

(The following helpful tip is from Mrs. Ryan's 1947 guide to keeping oneself well-dressed and fit, Clothes for You.)

TIP #1: Give yourself a daily spanking to reduce those fleshy spots on your hips, thighs, calves, and arms.

Grab Bag | Keeping Your Figure Trim and Orderly

From the Apr 29 - May 5, 1999 issue

Seattle Mayor Wants Women Out of Politics

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"DIRTY TRICKS"

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Schell's "Town Hall Meeting" an Attempt to Discourage Girls from Pursuing Political Careers By DAN SAVAGE

SEATTLE, April 22 -- In an apparent effort to discourage children--especially girls--from pursuing careers in city government, Mayor Paul Schell will host a "town hall meeting" for children of city employees on National Take Our Daughters to Work Day, Thursday, April 22, from 12:30-1:30 p.m. The meeting will take place in Council Chambers, at the Municipal Building.

Girls and boys will be permitted to ask questions of the Mayor, Deputy Mayor, and City Council Members, and will also have "an opportunity to watch potholes being repaired."

"We adults have a responsibility to give young people--especially girls--opportunities to imagine themselves as leaders," said the Mayor. It is widely known that there is no greater disincentive to a political career than an hour in Council Chambers, and city hall watchers contend Schell is engaging in "dirty tricks." His "town hall meeting," according to critics, may be an elaborate attempt to keep women and girls from jumping into the 2002 mayoral race.

Readers may recall that Schell beat the skirts off Jane Noland and Cheryl Chow in his hard-fought race for the Mayor's office in 1998. Both Noland and Chow had "imagined themselves as leaders" for many years.