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GRUMPY OLD MEN

THE ROLLING STONES

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10 Reasons to Hate the Rolling Stones:

1. You Can't Dance to Them. My best friend and I were in Vancouver at a bar/brothel, because they carded us everywhere else. We drank until our bladders sang. The little boy's room had a sign kindly asking us to please refrain from flushing our needles down the toilet. The little girl's room had ragged women snorting powders from the counter. Back in the main room someone dropped a quarter down the jukebox and "Brown Sugar" came on. All the crack whores tried to crack-dance to it, a sad spectacle, like overdosing epileptics being electrocuted.

2. They Cause Barroom Brawls. "Sympathy For The Devil" played three times that night, and each time everyone got more agitated. The third time it played a barroom brawl started, heads got slammed against walls, loud hollow thuds, and there was blood on everyone's faces except ours. We left.

3. "You Can't Always Get What You Want" is Hypocritical. Because Mick Jagger CAN always gets what he wants.

4. Bridges to Babylon. With admirable journalistic dedication, I forced myself to sit through this album. The Stones tried to sound modern by hiring producers the Dust Brothers, who made even Hanson sound like good musicians, and instead came up with tracks Paula Abdul would have rejected for being too '80s. Actually, I lied. I had to turn it off after the first few songs--Keith Richards tried to sing reggae.

5. The PBS Concert. Highlights: A duet on "Wild Horses" with Dave Matthews. Mick Jagger checking the Official Rolling Stones Website for an "Online Encore Vote." A bridge rising from the ground as they walk into the middle of the crowd for that authentic small club feeling. Fervent wrinkled hands reaching out from the crowd, desperately wanting a piece of sagging ass, but coming up empty since the stage has been designed well enough to preserve the distance.

6. They're Touring to Support a Live Album. No Security. The only thing left is to tour to support a tour.

7. "She's A Rainbow" is in a Macintosh Commercial. That song used to be about going down on a girl having her period. At least, it was when it was an Arthur Lee and Love song.

8. There are no plans for an Altamont 30th year Anniversary concert. What's the point of a rock concert if nobody dies? Fuck Woodstock '99, they should play free again at Altamont. Get together all the bald ex-hippies, drop acid into their Evian, round up all the graying Hell's Angels, give them free beer and knives, and let's see what happens!

9. Brian Jones. With all the billions of dollars the Stones have made marketing their lips, they could at least have the courtesy to dig up the body of Brian Jones, bring in some shamans, witch doctors, and surgeons, and bring him back to life. Then they could kill Ron Wood.

10. They Weren't Even That Good to Begin with....

 

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