This week, a "study" by a so-called "food analytics" company called Clear Labs (yeah, I'd never heard of it, either) was widely reported by irresponsible "journalism outlets" like CNN, USA Today, and Huffington Post. The clickbait headline? "Hot Dogs Contain Human DNA." Shocking, right?

Yes, but not in the way they'd like you to believe. A closer look at these so-called "findings" reveals that only 2 percent (yes, you read that right: 2 OUT OF 100) of hot dogs allegedly contain this alleged DNA. But let's zoom in a little further, shall we? Clear Labs says they "analyzed" 345 hot dogs and sausages (umm, not the same thing, brainwave) for their report. What's 2 percent of 345? I almost don't need a calculator (it's 6.9). But then they say that two-thirds of the samples with the human DNA were "vegetarian products." Excuse me? I thought we were talking about hot dogs!?

Do the math, media. Two-thirds of 6.9 is 4.5. So you found a little human DNA in four and a half hot dogs. It hardly seems like an occasion for a feeding frenzy. This is the same slander we've seen time and time again, from the old "lips and assholes" mafia. Well it didn't work then and it won't work now. Can it be a coincidence that this "news" came out the same week that the World Health Organization announced that bacon causes cancer? I hope they all found comfy seats on that bandwagon.

Don't be afraid to see through the smoke screen of numbers that big food analytics is using to obscure their darker purpose. Nice try, Clear Labs, but your methods are anything but. I, for one, am not buying it. I'd rather save my money to spend on a delicious, all-natural, foot-long hot dog.

If that's what human DNA tastes like, I guess I'm proud to be a cannibal.