It was a big year for squirting. Goop flying all over the place. Torrents. There was a lot of notable stuff in HUMP! 2—an awesome ass slap in slow-mo, an animated fast-food-mascot love triangle, some knights and damsels, some cowboys and barmaids, a lawn boy hosing himself off in a yard—but the copious projectile ejaculate is what's, uh, been on everyone's lips. You insist that female ejaculation is impossible? HUMP! 2 begged to differ.
Fifteen entries made it into competition for the second year of The Stranger's amateur-porn festival. In case you didn't go—all 13 screenings were sold out and the tapes were destroyed in front of the crowd at the last screening—they were: Ignis Fatuus, a black-and-white slow-mo shower montage beginning with lube collecting in a guy's hand and ending with him slapping a lady's gorgeous rump; Attack of the Ninja Fluffers!, a guy-guy-girl three-way involving duct tape; Fairies on a Ferry, beginning with two boys on a boat and ending with one of them getting a facial; The Booker Hoss Show, a fake TV show in which a grinning woman has to do whatever a spinning wheel dictates (she gets gangbanged by about a dozen guys and afterward looks radiant); Condoments, a moving depiction of the vicissitudes of modern love between a napkin with a hole in it and a saltshaker; Cybersex, starring an dude who gets intimate with a variety of ladies via computer simulation, only to see his computer crash prematurely; Cum Sail Away, featuring a knight with no pants, a woman with genitalia rendered in surgical detail, and, incongruously, several sleeping house pets; Cum on Love! Bo Logan Is Waiting! follows a sexy, lonely hero with a porn-star mustache into a grocery store where he meets a lady in a pink wig who has never had an orgasm; he then takes her home to rectify the situation—the whole episode is set to the Laverne & Shirley and Cheers theme songs and other tunes (it ends with her squirting him); Cute Sweet Hot Sexy, a series of stills of a woman wearing a strap-on; Jacking Off, in which the Jack in the Box mascot and a guy in a Dick's Drive-In T-shirt have stop-motion butt sex in the public restroom on Broadway; Fast and Hard in the Wild West, a hardcore five-way set in a saloon between thuggish cowboys and bosomy barmaids; Bois (Wood), a dreamy meditation on lumber; Lawnboy, starring the largest penis in Seattle; Getting a Leg Up on Porn, probably the most technically accomplished film in the festival, featuring a beautiful lady, tons of creative transitions, and a brilliant come shot (the guy's semen flows and flies through the obstacles of the board game Mousetrap); and, finally, and maybe most shockingly, Fucking Seattle, which involved, among other sticky defilements of the local landscape, a woman pleasuring herself with the hand of the Jimi Hendrix statue on Broadway. Yes. Don't tell the tourists.
The winner of the $2,000 cash prize, the trip to Las Vegas, and the year's supply of porn from Babeland was Cum on Love! Bo Logan Is Waiting—its charm was undeniable—but Getting a Leg Up on Porn came in a close second. (I had a hard time deciding which of these two to vote for myself.) Lawnboy took third prize. At the awards ceremony and dance party at Havana on Saturday night, the girl in Come on Love! Bo Logan Is Waiting accepted the prize (and the undying adoration of every straight guy in the room). Meanwhile, the guy in Lawnboy with the largest penis in Seattle stood around receiving compliments. DJ Curtis spun '70s tunes and then DV One brought everyone into the '80s—Blondie, Michael Jackson, Soft Cell, A-Ha—which is when things got really fun. It was great. It was sweltering. Everyone went home drenched. In sweat. 
