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HOW NOW, CHAIRMAN MAO?

You wanna know how I am? Well, let me tell you! I am very, very angry! When I signed on to write "How Now, Chairman Mao?" for this paper, I was informed my column would be running every week. And now I find out I have to alternate with a stupid hillbilly ["That Thar's My-a Pinyon!," Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy]?!?! Do the editors think the idiotic ramblings of an inbred idiot are interesting to anyone other than the editors? Well, no they are not! Hillbillies are rarely known for their ability to write "news editorials." However, they are known for sleeping in the dirt, drinking themselves into unconsciousness, and spreading infectious diseases. Is this the kind of person we want to represent our community? Are the idiotic ramblings of an inbred idiot relevant to society? Well, no they are not!

Now, I may not be a "political commentator" but I believe I furnish "the people" with information they need to hear. Like where you can get a good BLT. Or, where you can pick up videos. Or, the finer shoe cobblers in town. Stuff like that. This is important information. Not gazing amorously at barnyard animals or screaming "Jezzy Joo-Belle, Ah Loves Yeww!" as my over-esteemed colleague is likely to do. Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy is a big stupid jerk, and I don't see why anybody likes him.

Your true friend,
Chairman Mao

WHO'S BETTER?

Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy
OR
Chairman Mao

We'll Let YOU Decide! Call 323-7101, ext. 3099 (after 6:00 p.m. only, 7 days a week) and cast your vote for who writes the better column. The winner will keep his job! The loser will be fired! "The people" will emerge victorious!--eds.

Previously in New Column!

WHAT IN THE DAD-BLAMED TARNATION is all this "Moniker Loowhiskey" hully-balloo? It's damn near all ah hears tell about nowadays! If it ain't Moniker Loowhiskey's fancy cee-gars, it's Moniker Loowhiskey's sticky Sundy go-to-meetin' dress!

Now, ah don't got no hi-falutin telly-vision pikcher set, so ah din't git to see no Barber Walter inner-view. But ah DID see that thar Moniker Loowhiskey in the newspepper, and folks, she looked lahk she had a daid polecat stuck to her pumpkin-haid! Now ah ain't sayin' she's uguly or nuttin'--she got a raht purty mouth, and it's still filled up with teeth! But let me tell YOU, that hair-doo done scare me near to death, and makes me reckallect the Witch of Parson's Holler! She killed mah Uncle Billy Billy Joe Joe with her sweet purfumes and evil eye--AND she poysined the water in the oaken bucket! So if ah caught Moniker Loowhiskey on my propitty with that hex-ed hair-doo? Why, ah'd fill her rump with buckshot afore she got a chance to spook the livestock! YEEE-HAW!!

Now ah may just be simple hillfolk, and the closest ah've come to expressin' mah carnal dee-sires is stickin' mah Johnson in a wood-knot, but if ah wuz the Prezzydint ah wouldn't be swappin' no jaw-spit with a womin whose haid looks lahk it got stuck in a buckit o' fatback! Naw, ah'd picks me out a womin jest like mah Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! Her haid smell sweeter than a sorghum-mash sammich! Ah loves yew, Cousin Jezzy Joo-Belle! AH SAID AH LOOOVES YEWWW! And that thar's my-a 'pinyin.

The opinions of Hillbilly Bob Billy Billy do not necessarily reflect the views of The Stranger or its subsidiaries.

From the Mar 11 - Mar 17, 1999 issue

Wow, what a week! What's up with this weather, anyway? So, I had lunch the other day at the Cadillac Grill-- great BLT, you should really try one sometime-- and there was this guy sitting behind me talking REALLY LOUD on his cell phone. I hate that! You know? I mean, do these people really think we want to hear about the minutiae of their boring lives? Geez! Anyway, after that I was free for the rest of the afternoon, so I walked down the hill to Videoland-- you know, just to see if there's anything new. Normally I go to Hollywood Video, or sometimes Blockbuster, but I don't know... for some reason that place gives me the willies. Anyway! I'm walking around Videoland, and I notice that they have almost the entire collection of The Avengers on tape. And I said, "Wow, now there's a show I haven't seen in a while." So I checked out a few volumes, and you know what? I really enjoyed them. They were just really surreal, and cool, and... the ones with Diana Rigg were (of course!) my favorites, but I liked Honor Blackman a lot, too. Wasn't she "Pussy Galore" or something in some James Bond movie? Ha! I can't remember. That's a pretty funny name, though! You gotta admit it. So, if you want, check out those videos. They're pretty cool.

See you next week!

Chairman Mao

From the Mar 4 - Mar 10, 1999 issue

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