I, Anonymous

Diagnosis: Karma

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Steven Weissman

You've been diagnosed with cancer. Am I surprised? You have hate in your heart. I believe you brought it on yourself, you and your hateful culture. So much energy you put into hating me, shunning me, disowning our friendship. Every day I wish you would disappear. I guess that might come true for me.


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So I guess you'll be getting cancer too then?
Posted by Pinkerton on October 12, 2011 at 9:28 AM · Report this
Jesus Christ! With friends like that, who needs terminal cancer?
Posted by madisonparksmostwanted on October 12, 2011 at 9:59 AM · Report this
Baku-chan 3
What #1 said
Posted by Baku-chan on October 12, 2011 at 10:10 AM · Report this
growler 4
Cancer aside, how bout those extraordinarily long arms the people in your world have? No stools for you, eh?
Posted by growler on October 12, 2011 at 10:29 AM · Report this
I agree with #1
Posted by science chick on October 12, 2011 at 11:20 AM · Report this
ron_in_PDX 6
Whoa. Remind me not to invite you to any more dinner parties. Dang.
Posted by ron_in_PDX on October 12, 2011 at 12:07 PM · Report this
Anthropomorhpise Me 7
#1 FTW
Posted by Anthropomorhpise Me on October 12, 2011 at 12:11 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 8
Wow, #1 hits it out of the park.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on October 12, 2011 at 12:19 PM · Report this
The problem here is not enough COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on October 12, 2011 at 12:59 PM · Report this
Hey I anonymous... fuck you. After living through cancer I wouldn't wish that on ANYBODY.
Posted by fuckya on October 12, 2011 at 3:12 PM · Report this
#1 hit a Grand Salami!!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 12, 2011 at 3:17 PM · Report this
Posted by YawnFest on October 12, 2011 at 3:44 PM · Report this
You ARE Cancer.
Posted by woofy on October 12, 2011 at 3:53 PM · Report this
doloresdaphne 14

(inflammatory and too general - no details to make it real).
Posted by doloresdaphne on October 12, 2011 at 3:53 PM · Report this
What is it about people who can't handle it when they fuck someone over (assuming here, but likely true), and then that person refuses to be their friend anymore, and they'll do about anything for you to be their friend again, and when you turn them down, they throw hissy fits? I have this happen a LOT, and I can't understand why? What do you see as so important that you MUST be a friend of mine, whether I want you in my life or not?
Posted by cattycat on October 12, 2011 at 5:07 PM · Report this
Wow, wishing cancer on someone. This I,Anon is competing for Scum of the Earth, I see.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on October 13, 2011 at 6:27 AM · Report this
@15: They were able to push you around harder than other people they know, and they know they will never have that ease with bullying someone again. I've had it happen as well.

Of course, we didn't wish cancer on one another when the friendship fell apart, but we can't all be evil little trolls.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on October 13, 2011 at 6:29 AM · Report this
Let's hope the cancer is treatable and your friend has many more years of tormenting/torturing you.
Posted by Cletus on October 13, 2011 at 7:16 AM · Report this
Assholes get away with being assholes and good people unjustly suffer all the time. Karma is a bullshit concept, the "post hoc, ergo propter hoc" fallacy.
Posted by repete on October 13, 2011 at 7:16 AM · Report this
doloresdaphne 20
@19. Well said. Saying Karma exists is just a hippy dippy way of saying justice exists, and both are wishful thinking from people who crave revenge.

And they both stink of "heaven as reward, hell as punishment" christian thinking.
Posted by doloresdaphne on October 13, 2011 at 8:03 AM · Report this
Another vote for #1. Damn. Life is just too short. You'll never regret making a good life for yourself, meeting new people and moving on, but you will regret all the time you spent worrying about the person you couldn't forgive. And that's true even if what they did was unforgivable- like what my stupid ex-bff did to me was. But I don't wish cancer on her.

Find something you enjoy about hating this person who screwed you over that makes you feel in control again, without being bitter and hateful about it. It's a fine line to walk, but you can get there. For me, what I enjoy about hating my ex-bff is knowing that she's full of shit and a liar and that eventually she'll get caught in her own web and trip up- and she'll be ruined way worse than what she did to me. I'm no longer secretly wishing that she gets run over by a truck anymore.

Staying angry and hating someone is nothing but a sink-hole and time drain that takes years you can never have back. It's trite, but it's true what they say: living well is the best revenge- because then it's like the person who hurt you doesn't even exist anymore and any effect they had on you is gone. Moving on takes away the power the person you hate had over you.

I just pretend that my ex-bff is dead. And in a way that's kinda true, b/c she's all dead inside and has no soul or conscience. But I don't sit here and wish diseases on her, b/c she's already very much diseased in the head. She is already her own worst enemy.

Posted by i walk the line on October 13, 2011 at 8:50 AM · Report this
doloresdaphne 22
@21. You're a few steps ahead of I anon in managing your bitterness, but hopefully you'll eventually get to a point where you won't even have to console yourself with the idea of your ex-bff getting "caught in her own web and tripping up" and the idea that she's "very diseased in the head."

Hopefully you'll be indifferent to the idea of her "getting her own" and maybe you'll even forgive her.

(or that's what they say).

Here's the 9 steps suggested on the stanford forgiveness project:

1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years – ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.

"The practice of forgiveness has been shown to reduce anger, hurt depression and stress and leads to greater feelings of hope, peace, compassion and self confidence. Practicing forgiveness leads to healthy relationships as well as physical health. It also influences our attitude which opens the heart to kindness, beauty, and love."
Posted by doloresdaphne on October 13, 2011 at 4:34 PM · Report this
Thanks doloresdaphne. I get what you're saying and I know you're right- bitterness only leads to more bitterness. However, it's taken a lot of work for me to even get to the point where I don't wish the former bff of 17 years ill anymore. This week's IA hit a nerve for me, because I can appreciate being angry enough to wish cancer on someone. I just don't anymore b/c I worked it out in therapy, etc.

I don't know for sure if the ex-bff did what I think she did (she probably did b/c none of my other close friends from the past had any drug connections). I won't get into all the details, but she spent a lot of time around a guy from church who later got busted for over a 1/4 million dollars of meth. And she seems to keep bad company a lot of the time, if you know what I mean.

I'm trying to keep an open mind, because I know I could be wrong. Maybe all she did was a lot of coke and nothing more. Even still, I will never let her back into my life, because I think she's a very destructive person with a violent streak. She scared me more than once.

Forgiveness has been a long and painful process, particularly because I'm still picking up the pieces and catching hell for something I'm pretty sure she did. Most of the time I don't dwell on being angry at her, but sometimes I'll see or hear something that triggers some anger and I get upset again. It helps if I vent on occasion.
Posted by i walk the line (and it's a delicate balance) on October 13, 2011 at 9:24 PM · Report this
@22 & @23: I hear you both. You make some good points about forgiveness.

Have you tried channelling your bitterness from past hurts into something creative? As a music major, I composed and premiered an entire symphony about leaving a relationship from hell. The emotional release was incredible, and, as a good friend to whom I dedicated the music to in his loving memory aptly predicted before sadly passing away three and a half years before my recital, it turned out to be some of the most powerful stuff I have ever written.
A big plus: I have no hateful feelings toward my ex anymore, only pity.
The pain is out of my system and gone for good.

All the best.
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 13, 2011 at 11:20 PM · Report this
doloresdaphne 25
@ 24 (p.s. I'm not as enlightened as the advice I'm peddling, although, like you I'm working on it. I also know how much work getting from wanting to kill, to wanting "karma" to do the revenge for me takes). Yes, venting helps.

and @24, yes creative outlet is one of my strategies. I've written a couple of songs which have helped me in the sense that the person who fucked me over did it in a way that I had no proof of what they'd done, and no way of getting any kind of sympathy from anyone because it was so subtle. So putting my side of the story into song helped give me that sense of validation that I wasn't able to get from a sympathetic audience.

At the end of the day, I'm just glad that he hurt me rather than me having hurt someone else. I would rather be the hurt one than the hurter. All I have to do is lick my wounds. Dealing with guilt is much harder I imagine. And at the end of the day all I really want is to like myself when I'm on my death bed. Life is full of hazards, people can be destructive to one another, but we're all flawed and if we approach life with integrity and the desire to do good and not harm others, then we'll be in good shape once death day arrives.

(That's what I try to remind myself of anyway).
Posted by doloresdaphne on October 14, 2011 at 3:50 AM · Report this
@25: Sounds good to me!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 14, 2011 at 1:35 PM · Report this
thatsnotright 27
Some very nice people get cancer too, guess that karma thing is about as reliable as god.
Posted by thatsnotright on October 14, 2011 at 2:49 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 28
"You have hate in your heart. I believe you brought it on yourself, you and your hateful culture."

Hateful tenacity generally keeps people alive, long after they ought to be dead. Anon probably believes in some sort of new-age "karma", too.
Posted by undead ayn rand on October 14, 2011 at 4:03 PM · Report this
i've enjoyed reading the comments more than that sad I, anon. you all / we all are starting to sound like a Dr. Phil crap ass show. my 2 cents worth: just move on. it gets easier as time passes. this time next year it will be gone or at least a lesson learned out of it.
Posted by thejimr on October 14, 2011 at 4:57 PM · Report this
Y.F. Redux 30
Hmm, the only one harboring hate in their heart is you, Anon, otherwise you wouldn't be wishing someone would disappear.
Posted by Y.F. Redux on October 14, 2011 at 10:40 PM · Report this
Huh, I guess I imagined the situation differently than most of the other commenters. The "hateful culture" comment made me imagine that Anon is LGBTQ, and the cancer patient is a bigot who disowned Anon after zhe came out. It seems reasonable to want a hateful bigot to disappear.
Posted by ridia on October 15, 2011 at 9:40 AM · Report this
doloresdaphne 32
I've said it before and I'll say it again, this column is at its best when Ianon expresses bitterness, hatred or anger.

It was better when there weren't comments allowed, because now the Ianon has to consider whether they want to be attacked for their unevolved emotional state before they share it.
Posted by doloresdaphne on October 15, 2011 at 5:52 PM · Report this
Holding a grudge is like letting someone live rent-free in your head.
Posted by islandwarriorpriestess on October 16, 2011 at 10:13 AM · Report this
You want your freedom; take it. That's what I'm counting on. I used to want you dead, but now I only want you gone.
Posted by GLaDOS on October 16, 2011 at 5:05 PM · Report this
More, I Say! 35
@31, that's exactly how I read it, too.
Posted by More, I Say! on October 17, 2011 at 3:02 PM · Report this
What 31 & 35 said. Being in the LGBTQ community, I can understand wishing for someone to disappear. But having known too many people who experienced cancer, that is something I would never wish on anyone.
Posted by DrReality on October 26, 2011 at 6:22 AM · Report this

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