From the Apr 4 – Apr 10, 2002 issue

Columns

I, Anonymous

How can you still be alive? You walk into the street without so much as a glance to oncoming traffic, and I can only assume from that smug, shit-eating grin, that you're pretty proud of yourself. I guess you take what you can get when your life consists of scratching your ass in front of the am/pm and scrounging change all day. Well, enjoy your pathetic ego boost while you can, because I've got my sights set on you.

The next time you walk onto the street from between two parked cars, I'll be watching for that look of realization on your face, as I brake just a few seconds too late. I will howl in jubilation as I hear your skull slam against my hood. Try and stop me from giggling like a schoolgirl when I feel my car lift--not once, but twice--as I crush and grind my way over your twisted corpse.

"Oh my god," I will repeat over and over in faux shock and horror. Unable to hold back the grief, I will break down just as the first cop arrives at the scene.

"This all feels like a dream," I'll say as the cops take me home wrapped in a blanket. As they drive away, I'll do the "happy dance" all through the night, knowing I've done my part for natural selection. You're welcome, humanity.

--Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.

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