I, Anonymous

LURC (Lesbian Until Regaining Consciousness)

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Steven Weissman

I honestly don't know who I'm more pissed at, you or your friend.

When you met me, I had just come out of a shitty, borderline abusive relationship, and I thought you were a godsend. You gave me self-esteem for the first time in five years, and I am grateful for that, really. You even gave me the confidence to come to your "get-togethers." And that's when I met your friend.

The first time she flirted with me, I was kind of flattered. I told her straight off the bat that I wasn't interested—I wasn't really feeling up to dating anyone and I was straight anyway. She winked and said she could change that, which really should have been my first hint. Then you two teamed up against me, because "hooking up would do you good." My wishes, my opinions, my mental well-being, my sexual orientation—who cares about those?

I thought you were still my friend, if slightly misguided, until last week. If my ex, or any other man, had enlisted a friend to get me drunk so I'd be willing to sleep with him, you'd have been the first to punch him in the face. But because it was a woman, you were not only okay with it, you were that friend tripling my drinks. It's okay, though, because "lesbian sex will open my eyes to the fact that real sex doesn't need a penis." Apparently "real rape" does.


This article has been updated since its original publication.

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Comments (70) RSS

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Lil 1
Hope you filed a police report.
Posted by Lil on December 21, 2011 at 9:15 AM · Report this
#1 is correct.

Until crimes of this specific nature are on the books and in full public view, people will not view them so seriously, and so more misery will result.
Posted by Central Scrutinizer on December 21, 2011 at 9:33 AM · Report this
I'm with @1 & @2.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 21, 2011 at 10:07 AM · Report this
"G" is for "Consciousness"?
Posted by ZacF on December 21, 2011 at 10:12 AM · Report this
Look out, Velma!
Posted by mint chocolate chip on December 21, 2011 at 10:26 AM · Report this
Megan Seling 6
@4 Oops! Fixed, thanks!
Posted by Megan Seling on December 21, 2011 at 10:38 AM · Report this
You've been roofed with alcohol! By a chick!
Posted by Axl on December 21, 2011 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Looking For a Better Read 8
It was Daphne, wasn't it? I suggest you tell Fred and Shaggy, they'll fix her straight up.
Posted by Looking For a Better Read on December 21, 2011 at 11:02 AM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 9
You drank enough to make you willing to have sex with a woman?

Posted by TheMisanthrope on December 21, 2011 at 11:11 AM · Report this
JF 10
@9 I think the idea is that she drank enough to have sex with someone she would otherwise not have had sex with.
Posted by JF on December 21, 2011 at 11:22 AM · Report this
More, I Say! 11
@9 or drunk enough to not be able to fight back or voice a lack of consent?
Posted by More, I Say! on December 21, 2011 at 11:26 AM · Report this
@11 That's how I read it.
Posted by sahara29 on December 21, 2011 at 11:41 AM · Report this
Andee 13
I'm with 11 I think what she is saying is that she was too drunk to consent and the title implies that she was not conscious for it.
Posted by Andee on December 21, 2011 at 11:43 AM · Report this
Ugh, I'm so sorry! I hope you get the help and support you need to get past this, and I hope that asshole gets shingles.
Posted by mai naim hear on December 21, 2011 at 11:45 AM · Report this
Lesbian rape, pure and simple.
Posted by turtlemilk on December 21, 2011 at 11:55 AM · Report this
oh yeah that will turn her to the gay side .
Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on December 21, 2011 at 12:20 PM · Report this
SchmuckyTheCat 17
@15, lesbians can't rape. Rape is about maintaining patriarchy and power. Lesbians have neither.
Posted by SchmuckyTheCat on December 21, 2011 at 12:41 PM · Report this
@17 - that is one of the lamest comments I've ever read on SLOG. If you were trying to be funny, it wasn't.

Rape is about power and control. That's what these two rapist "friends" conspired to exercise over the writer. That's rape.
Posted by Smartypants on December 21, 2011 at 12:51 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 19
@11-13 That's not how it was phrased, oddly. She said "so I'd be willing to sleep with him". To which I say, "hrm..."
Posted by TheMisanthrope on December 21, 2011 at 1:16 PM · Report this
Irena 20
@17, you're shitting me, right? Patriarchy is a system. You don't think women can step into a patriarchal, abusive role within that system and turn it to their benefit?

I suppose you also believe that lesbians can't abuse their wives or girlfriends, or that men can't be oppressed by patriarchal power.
Posted by Irena on December 21, 2011 at 1:29 PM · Report this
debug 21
If they screwed around with her nearly unconscious body that's legal rape.

But being just really drunk? Hmm, maybe alcohol and women works different but I've never been drunk enough to actively switch teams. If she sucked a tit, you must acquit.

Remember dear readers that it is the editor, not the writer, that writes the titles.

Nowhere in her text does she say she was nearly passed out. In fact she implies she was a willing because she was drunk. That's not rape. That's a walk of shame.
Posted by debug on December 21, 2011 at 1:50 PM · Report this
Hawke 22
Agree totally with 1 & 2.

@15. It isn't heterosexual rape or lesbian rape. It is rape, pure and simple.

@17. Fuck you, you sorry excuse for an excrement-filled meat bag.
Posted by Hawke on December 21, 2011 at 2:28 PM · Report this
The, "So I'd be willing to sleep with him" line does make this confusing. I've been drunk enough to sleep with guys I never would have slept with sober. I had a threesome years ago that still makes me cringe. I'm sure the guys were encouraging my drunkeness because they were horny. But drunk or not, I was a willing participant like this anon states she was, and no one forced me to drink or have sex with them. If I'd said "no" or changed my mind and tried to stop and they kept going, that would have been rape. If I'd lost consciousness and they proceeded, that also would have been rape.

I don't think we know enough about this situation to make that call, but if it's a matter of her regretting getting drunk enough to think this was a good idea and then realizing the next day she made a mistake and now she is looking for someone to blame, that's different than rape. Her friends sound like jerks, but it's not necessarily fair to call them rapists based on this post.
Posted by Skeptical about this one on December 21, 2011 at 2:55 PM · Report this
Does it really matter if it was 'legally' rape or not? A friend, someone she trusted, got her drunk so she would do something she had said she did not want to do. That is incredibly fucked up and assholish regardless of whether she was 'drunk enough' for it to be criminal rape.

Seems like there are enough assholes out there getting women drunk for sex without adding friends into the mix. Friends should be watching out to make sure it doesn't happen, not helping it along.
Posted by giffy on December 21, 2011 at 3:19 PM · Report this
sirkowski 25
@17 lol thank you!
Posted by sirkowski on December 21, 2011 at 4:14 PM · Report this
First of all, unless the friend was pouring booze down her throat, anon got herself drunk.

Secondly, anon implied she "willingly" slept with the woman. That's the fucking opposite of the definition of rape.

As a former victim of sexual abuse, it pisses me off when people throw the term "rape" around casually when referring to any unfortunate sexual situation they get involved in.

Yes, these are not her friends and she should ditch them immediately. But are they rapists? It doesn't exactly sound that way from the information given.
Posted by Strange definition of rape here on December 21, 2011 at 4:21 PM · Report this
debug 27
"Seems like there are enough assholes out there getting women drunk for sex"

If only women could somehow control the amount of alcohol they are given to drink....alas.
Posted by debug on December 21, 2011 at 5:42 PM · Report this
mtnlion 28
These people are assholes and they deserve nothing but shame for hoodwinking a woman into getting essfaced for the purpose of "opening her eyes" to lesbian sex, which she was not interested in at the beginning of the night.

But I don't really think filing a police report will help anon, or anyone really. She'll likely feel even more helpless once she learns that prosecution is a no go due to lack of physical evidence or witnesses, and even so, not all victims want to go chat with cops about their rape right quick. For many of them that's the last thing they want to do! Anon needs real good friends, therapy, and time to heal from this and from her previous relationship.

@26, I understand how "rape" feels like too serious a word for this situation given your history. Remember though that anon is hurting too and that your experiences are not in competition with each other. She felt violated, and in the eyes of the law, this is rape (unable to give meaningful consent), though I would argue probably less traumatizing than what you went through.
Posted by mtnlion on December 21, 2011 at 6:17 PM · Report this
mtnlion 29
@27, I was thinking the same thing. It is a bit bullshit to say someone "got you drunk," like you had nothing to do with it. But I know of many times when I've overdone it and have little explanation for how or why. I didn't eat enough; I didn't pay attention to how I was feeling; someone else bought me a few more than I'd planned on. All my fault, yes, but I still won't judge someone for getting far drunker than they intended.

Of course, if someone fucked me then, I would feel partially responsible unless they'd drugged me and probably wouldn't call it rape even if I legally could.
Posted by mtnlion on December 21, 2011 at 6:25 PM · Report this
@29, but if you were with a female friend that you trusted, might you not drink more than you otherwise would? More than might otherwise be safe?
Posted by Juliet Audobon on December 21, 2011 at 6:34 PM · Report this
@27 - Only straight men and lesbian women are accountable for their actions, oppressor.
Posted by beaconguy on December 21, 2011 at 6:46 PM · Report this
okay, some of you people need a clarification.

if someone's drunk but blacked out, it's rape.

if someone's drunk but conscious, it could either be rape or not. if when they were sober (or sober enough to be in their right mind) they were consenting and they stayed consenting the whole way through, it's not rape. like if somebody agrees to, i don't know, have a threesome, but they're nervous and they want to get a little drunk first. still consensual as long as they're still okay with it the whole way through that threesome.

if they were NOT ok with it before they started to drink, but somebody else plies them with drinks until they're too out of it to make their own decisions, that's rape. and that sounds like what happened to anon. she didn't want to do this before.

@27: anon strongly implies her friends were telling her to drink. she probably wasn't aware that her friend's friend was going to take advantage of her, and it's hard to hold up under pressure, especially when what you're being encouraged to do is something that normally would be ok.
Posted by no just no on December 21, 2011 at 7:47 PM · Report this
mtnlion 33
@29, You make a good point! I would far less expect a woman to take advantage of me, and in that way, I do sympathize with anon.
Posted by mtnlion on December 21, 2011 at 8:14 PM · Report this
mtnlion 34
... I should clarify: I sympathize with anon in many other ways, too. But I also understand how her guard would be much further down in the presence of women, who less often do things like this.
Posted by mtnlion on December 21, 2011 at 8:16 PM · Report this
Rebound is never a good idea...sigh.
Posted by Snarky on December 21, 2011 at 10:40 PM · Report this
debug 36
@27, Yeah, thanks. I don't mean to come off as the heartless douche (well maybe I'm pushing some buttons on purpose).

But I think people are reading too much into the editor's headline and not enough of the writer's actual words. AFAIK she was not passed out, just drunk enough not to give a fuck at the time.

She got drunk, we've all been there. She did some shit she wouldn't have done otherwise, I know I've been there. She is taking no responsibility for her part.

Being young, drunk, and stupid is part of the American twenty-something learning curve for adulthood. I remember a few walks of shame and trusting people I shouldn't have.

Again, if these gals fucked her when she was nearly passed out then yeah, I'm all for calling the police. Otherwise, she just learned a hard lesson about controlling her own alcohol and putting too much trust into creepy people.
Posted by debug on December 21, 2011 at 10:41 PM · Report this
@20 - so when men rape, it's patriarchy, but when women rape, it's ALSO patriarchy?

lol ok
Posted by Reader01 on December 21, 2011 at 10:51 PM · Report this
Real rape *does* need a penis? So she wasn't raped? Or was she? That's the problem with sarcasm, folks. It doesn't work when you are so ambiguous. This I,A sounds fake or really exaggerated. If it was really rape, I think we would have got more details. I think she's being vague and ambiguous to obscure her own role in this.
Posted by jussmbdy on December 22, 2011 at 1:03 AM · Report this
TVDinner 39
While I agree that calling the police is the thing to do in an ideal world, I wonder if anon wants to deal with that. I think there's a better than average chance the police will treat her with smirking contempt, and she might not be up for that. The statistics on sexual assault convictions aren't good for any police department, and having to explain the details to some asshole with a badge who has all the nuanced understanding of sexual politics of your average frat boy sounds like as much fun as, uh, getting raped again.

Me, I'd get my ass to a therapist and get a some new friends. Ones who understand what boundaries are.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on December 22, 2011 at 5:08 AM · Report this
Regarding the "editor's title" for the column, almost every time I have ever written an editorial I have supplied my own headline which the editor has chosen to use- it's that much less work for them. While they supply headlines for pieces without them, or change them if they are looking for something different, there is just as much of a chance that the author as the editor is supplying the headline.
Posted by sweet g on December 22, 2011 at 9:38 AM · Report this
Btw, regarding the whole "having control over how much you drink", it sounds to me that anon is suggesting that her friend mixed her drinks much stronger than she realized at the time. If someone you trust is mixing your drinks for you and they mix them well, you're not necessarily going to recognize a deliberate attempt at getting you plastered until possibly the next day.
Posted by sweet g on December 22, 2011 at 9:43 AM · Report this
LifeIsFunny 42
If the victim feels it was rape, then it was rape.
Posted by LifeIsFunny on December 22, 2011 at 12:00 PM · Report this
@42 Stop raping me you raping rapist! But seriously, I would submit that non-consensual sex is what defines rape, not "feelings".
Posted by everettbitch on December 22, 2011 at 2:44 PM · Report this
Folks, this person got wasted, did a few things that she is now embaressed about, and now wants to deny any responsibility.

Just so sad.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 22, 2011 at 3:26 PM · Report this
TheMisanthrope 45
@42 Stop raping the word rape. The word rape has feelings of its own, and it doesn't like you intentionally violating its meaning.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on December 22, 2011 at 3:30 PM · Report this
@39 TV Dinner: Good points made.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 22, 2011 at 11:21 PM · Report this
@40: Click on the submission link at the bottom of the piece. The Email title comes pre-entered. While I can't prove that nobody includes titles in the body of their email/rant, it does seem rather unlikely.
Posted by ChiTodd on December 23, 2011 at 5:20 AM · Report this
@35 "Rebound is never a good idea..."

Yeah. Why not just paint a big target on your head.
Posted by mizmojo on December 23, 2011 at 5:49 AM · Report this
Am I the only one who read #17's comment as obvious sarcasm, making fun of the common lesbian notion that all evils (particularly sexual ones) are perpetrated by the patriarchy and non-egalitarian power dynamics, which in turn would imply that lesbians are immune to committing wrongful acts? I took the meaning to be pointing out how glaringly wrong that idea is, not seriously suggesting that lesbians can't rape people.
Posted by DrReality on December 23, 2011 at 6:59 AM · Report this
@49, if you think that this is a 'common lesbian notion' then you must not know very many lesbians. The ones I know believe that patriarchy fucks up women and men alike, in ways that are not always obvious.
Posted by clashfan on December 23, 2011 at 3:53 PM · Report this
Rape is sexual penetration of an unwilling victim. Even if this victim was drunk, but conscious, you have to look at motive. These douche bag chicks got an unwilling girl impaired on alcohol (ETOH is a drug) then raped her. She may have been digitally penetrated or maybe those stupid rapists used some object, broomstick, dildo or fist, my point is that rape doesn't just involve men and their penises, regardless what some holier-than-thou lesbian may think.

These dirtbag sluts raped this defenseless woman after getting her impaired (alcohol also effects judgement, so even if she was still conscious, rape is still on the table). She specifically told them she was hetero and had no desire to have sex with another woman. Seems like those who identify themselves as LGBT are not above commiting the same crimes as hetero men, they just get a pass because their sexual orientation is somehow "better" because their vag trumps the hetero penis?!

Disgusting, sick and I hope "some asshole with a badge" arrests them for the felony they committed on this poor woman. Regardless of what these rapists think, the law still says basically "'NO'means'NO'"!
Posted by ironvic on December 23, 2011 at 4:31 PM · Report this
@51 Just penetration, huh? I would push you farther and say that rape doesn't just involve penetration. Oral would count for my purposes.

And don't rag on sluts just because these women were rapists. Sluts aren't uncontrollable, insatiable people teetering on the verge of sexual assault. Jeez. Baggage much?
Posted by sahara29 on December 23, 2011 at 8:42 PM · Report this
@22 & @51 are spot on!
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 23, 2011 at 9:56 PM · Report this
LOL at @51; obvious troll is obvious. Nice work though. People took you seriously.
Posted by bishop on December 24, 2011 at 4:25 PM · Report this
@53, are you retarded? Seriously, are you?
Posted by Incessant online comment approval indicates mild retardation on December 24, 2011 at 6:46 PM · Report this
shurenka 56
To those saying there's "no proof" she was passed out or that you "don't feel like she was raped" --

True, there's no proof, and it's a fine line between tipsy and shitfaced, but not only should a person not get involved with someone who might be too drunk to consent, these "friends" actively conspired to get her drunk enough to have sex with. They knew she wouldn't have sex with a woman sober, so they knew they would have to obliterate her consciousness to the point where she couldn't tell what was going on or coherently articulate her lack of consent.

How is that not rape?
Posted by shurenka on December 25, 2011 at 10:28 PM · Report this
@55: Are you twelve and pissed that it's still another four years before you get to drive a car? Seriously, are you?
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 26, 2011 at 12:21 PM · Report this
@55: How is agreeing with someone mean that I'm forever seeking approval?
Go back to your cave, Snorky. You've obviously learned your lack of sense from doofus! and his constipation.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 26, 2011 at 12:27 PM · Report this
@56 It's not physically or ethically possible for a woman to rape anyone. That's the glorious purview of men only. Try again.
Posted by tiredofexplainingthisagainandagain on December 26, 2011 at 7:28 PM · Report this
@59 It's not physically possible or ethical for me to respect you. That's the glorious purview of avoiding cavemen like you.
Don't try again.
Posted by auntie grizelda on December 26, 2011 at 7:43 PM · Report this
I'm with 44! Worst anonymous ever!
Posted by Erok on December 27, 2011 at 11:14 AM · Report this
I think people are overlooking the fact that her "friend" was mixing her drinks, and obviously mixing them a lot stronger than she would otherwise have expected. When someone says "no thank you, not interested", and you purposefully get them wasted with the intention of letting your friend take advantage of them while they're drunk, it's something like date rape. Okay? There may not be a specific word invented to describe this sort of scenario, but it was premeditated and the essence of the act was violating. If there isn't a case for this with police, there should be. And yeah, way to "open her eyes" and make a case for switching teams.
Posted by stuff on December 27, 2011 at 1:15 PM · Report this
#62, if that's the case, then I spent much of my early 20s being date raped as have many of my friends. And I've also date raped some dudes.

There's no mention of force, there's no mention of her having told her friends that she was not comfortable or wanted to stop. And while #56 feels anon's consciousness was obliterated, the fact that anon states she "willingly" slept with the person indicates she was able to make a decision at the time. The definition of rape (date rape or otherwise) is non-consensual sex, and this person clearly states she consented.
Posted by Misusing the term only hurts actual rape victims on December 27, 2011 at 2:49 PM · Report this
doloresdaphne 64
I think it's sad that I anon feels she can't say this to her former friend's face, (and to her former friend's predatory sidekick).

She has every right to give them a piece of her mind. Whether we call it rape or not (seems to be somewhere on the border to me), it was not ok.

I really think I anon might want to be writing a couple of 'fuck you' letters.

Therapy too.

(I'm sorry this happened to you I anon. Really fucked. People who don't listen and don't respect boundaries are shit).
Posted by doloresdaphne on December 28, 2011 at 2:31 AM · Report this
@17 - Actually, no, rape isn't about 'maintaning patriarchy and power'. It's about someone - anyone, regardless of their sex - seizing power from another person by any means necessary in order to do to that person things that they would not otherwise consent to. And power can be as simple as having the capability and awareness to consent to whatever is presented to you.

Go back to reading your Dworkin, already.
Posted by RubyDynamite on December 28, 2011 at 12:15 PM · Report this
"Am I the only one who read #17's comment as obvious sarcasm, making fun of the common lesbian notion that all evils (particularly sexual ones) are perpetrated by the patriarchy and non-egalitarian power dynamics, which in turn would imply that lesbians are immune to committing wrongful acts? I took the meaning to be pointing out how glaringly wrong that idea is, not seriously suggesting that lesbians can't rape people."

Depends on what kind of 'lesbians' you're referring to - lesbian aka separatist feminists are very well known for their 'man-hater' viewpoint (which usually ties in with the 'all sex is rape'/'all penetrative sex is rape' thing), but they also very commonly reject *everything* male or masculine, to the point of perpetrating ridiculousness like 'womyn', because they can't stand the 'man' part of woman.

Myself, I'm a lesbian (as in: I do women not as in 'I reject all things male' - because as per the separatists, you *can* technically be a lesbian and not have what's considered to be lesbian sex ;p - confused, yet?) but I'm also a sex-positive feminist, so you won't see me pointing fingers at that invisible spectre of patriarchy. Do I think there's inequality? Absolutely. Do I think EVERYTHING is the fault of that boogeyman patriarchy and 'rape culture'? No.

Just thought I'd point that stuff out, so people can see there *is* a difference in the type of lesbian you're dealing with. [The More You Know theme plays]
Posted by RubyDynamite on December 28, 2011 at 12:33 PM · Report this
I'm a lightweight when it comes to alcohol. A few years ago, I got blind drunk when a new-to-my-group friend was mixing drinks at a party and pretty much doubled the alcohol content to the recipe - she was unaware that I had a very low tolerance for alcohol, but also didn't tell me she tended to have a heavy hand with it when making cocktails. The drinks were very sweet and I had no idea how much alcohol I had consumed in just one drink. I was pretty trashed after just one - after 2 I couldn't coherently tell you my name or address. Ya know what happened? My buddies (of both genders) laughed their asses off and tucked me in for a nap on the couch. That's what's supposed to happen when you get more than a little sloppy with your friends in the room. No one was thinking it would be a good time to fuck me because it would be "good for me" or conspiring with each other to get me to do something I wouldn't normally do.

Was the IA writer raped? I don't know what her physical state was, so I can't answer to it in a legal sense. But there was a violation of any normal standard of friendship at the bare minimum.
Posted by JrzWrld on December 28, 2011 at 1:11 PM · Report this
@67 et al

My impression is not that the writer/victim was shitface drunk; but rather, drunk enough to make choices that she wouldn't while sober. That's run-of-the-mill drunk, and the drinker should be as responsible for their choices/decisions as they would be if they were, say, getting behind the wheel of a car ("the bartender poured heavy drinks" does not a successful DUI defense make).

Unless the victim was somehow restrained from saying no; or physically forced/intimidated by the use of force; then she has no one to blame but herself. If these friends are assholes, well, they're just assholes; but not criminals.
Posted by fetish on January 2, 2012 at 12:37 PM · Report this
@63, would you define a forceful action as being one where the victim was restrained by being bound and gagged into submission then raped? Using a drug to make an unwilling person comply (alcohol in this instance) is legally defined as a chemical restraint. Forcing sex on an unwilling victim while she's chemically restrained makes this action a rape.

Posted by ironvic on January 14, 2012 at 2:36 PM · Report this
Were the friends also shatfaced drunk? perhaps they have a rape claim against IA as well.
Posted by trite on January 31, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this

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