February 24, 2009

Columns

I, Anonymous

Pretty Uppity for a Come Dumpster

by Anonymous

So you think you're better than me, huh? That's hilarious coming from the hottest mess in town. You are one sloppy, trashy, crack-whore-looking bitch. Maybe no one has told you this yet, but flashing your grandparents on Thanksgiving and asking them if your nipples are too large is inappropriate. Picking up ex-cons 10 years your senior in a dirty bar by announcing you're a cute face and a good fuck is not classy. Fucking some sketchy dude every three months does not make him your boyfriend. Getting plastered and acting like a ditzy, whiny-ass bitch is not cute or endearing. Telling your friend's older brother that you're going to suck his dick in a roomful of people makes you look pathetic. Trapping your friend in the back of a two-door car and making her listen to a tape of you and your boyfriend having sex is disgusting and fucking creepy. I know you've gone through some shit in your life, but guess what? So has everyone else! It doesn't give you an excuse to act like an asshole. You think you have your shit together and that you're better than everyone else, when in reality,you're a sloppy, annoying drunk who has alienated most of her friends with her outlandish bullshit. If you don't like me, that's fine. But keep my name out of your come-Dumpster mouth. recommended

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.

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Comments (51) RSS

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1
i never know who's worse.. the subject or the "whore"-dropping monster who hates her...
Posted by violet on February 25, 2009 at 1:16 PM · Report
2
Are they talking about DJ Danger?
Posted by Unicorn Farmer on February 25, 2009 at 2:01 PM · Report
3
anonymous is from olympia, isn't she?
Posted by Proud Pantsless Peanut on February 25, 2009 at 3:00 PM · Report
4
Can you introduce me to this chick, she sounds like just my type!
Posted by SR on February 25, 2009 at 3:16 PM · Report
5
All else aside, Steve Weissman's illustration is one of the coolest things I've seen in a while.
Posted by bd on February 25, 2009 at 3:21 PM · Report
6
grandma?
Posted by small-ish nipples on February 25, 2009 at 3:22 PM · Report
7
!!
Posted by vegansaladparty on February 25, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report
8
ew.
Posted by s on February 25, 2009 at 5:20 PM · Report
9
Not to be a stickler for the details, but shouldn't it be "cum" in the title, not "come"?

Also eeeew.
Posted by Grandparents? Really? on February 25, 2009 at 6:28 PM · Report
10
"Come" is the correct spelling when you are over the age of 17.
Posted by summacumloudly on February 25, 2009 at 7:12 PM · Report
11
I'll be friends with her! She sounds fun and interesting....not like she has a stick up her ass like whoever wrote this.
Posted by NoStyxUpMyA$$afra$$ on February 26, 2009 at 12:09 AM · Report
12
Why did you introduce this skank to your older brother? And why were you friends with her to begin with if you are not so skanky? Or are you an admitted skank and you just don't like your super skank friend putting on airs that she isn't.
Posted by TC on February 26, 2009 at 3:01 AM · Report
13
I'd hit it.
Posted by Mr. Puterschmidt on February 26, 2009 at 8:14 AM · Report
14
I need a name and number for this bitch. I'd cum on her face any day.
Posted by Kip Schoning on February 26, 2009 at 8:56 AM · Report
15
as the chorus shouts: "what a whore!"
Posted by it's a scrubs referrence on February 26, 2009 at 10:24 AM · Report
16
Sounds like a train's getting ready to run. Count me in!
Posted by Dirtytime on February 26, 2009 at 10:48 AM · Report
17
Ha ha. Who ever wrote this stuck around long enough to hear about ALL this stuff? Wow. I'd a been out after she showed her grandparents her nipples. What does this even mean? WHat?!!!! What did I just read?
Posted by Amandica on February 26, 2009 at 1:09 PM · Report
18
guessing the author is a fat bartender in fremont and the dumpster is an ex-heroin addict from olympia. just guessing...
Posted by ballard on February 26, 2009 at 2:24 PM · Report
19
Deja vu.
Posted by coggie on February 26, 2009 at 2:40 PM · Report
20
I feel remarkably well-adjusted now. Thank you.
Posted by TVDinner on February 26, 2009 at 5:16 PM · Report
21
What a whiner, why would you hang out with this come-dumpster to begin with. Unless..unless it was her mom.
Posted by biju on February 26, 2009 at 6:57 PM · Report
22
What the fuck is wrong with you. If this girl is such a fucking whore, a drain on your delicate fucking sensibilities. A needy self serving come dumpster of a human being then don't fucking hang out with her! Just say "Go fuck yourself!" When she tries to regale you with her tails of flashing her grandparents and fucking old inmates. Either that or just hand her the business card of a decent shrink and walk the fuck away.
Posted by Jeezus F'in Chirsto on February 26, 2009 at 9:43 PM · Report
23
A two-door car? Eeew, how white trash!
Posted by beanwean on February 26, 2009 at 10:27 PM · Report
24
So where does this horrible, whorish mess hang out so that I may chastise her and show her the error of her ways. And do you have a pic?
Posted by Good Samaritan on February 26, 2009 at 11:16 PM · Report
25
Sigh. I used to fuck girls like this before I got married.
Posted by Rotten666 on February 27, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report
26
Nobody spells it "come." Aside from sex-ed books telling you all about the new slang words you might hear in middle school.
Posted by The CHZA on February 27, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report
27
Hey, dat's my grand-daughter you talking 'bout, you uppity skank. Who's to say I don' like her flashin me her udders?
Posted by whoosher on February 27, 2009 at 9:51 PM · Report
28
Come Dumpster is my favorite phrase ever.
Posted by Jesse on February 28, 2009 at 1:05 AM · Report
29
"Cum" is the correct spelling when you're talking about spooge.
Posted by Kip Schoning on February 28, 2009 at 11:21 AM · Report
30
bla bla?
Posted by ponyrepeater on February 28, 2009 at 1:16 PM · Report
31
Um, I guess the subject sounds like kind of an annoyance, but I can't help but wonder how much of the description is coloured by the author's clearly misogynist worldview.
Posted by Kadin on February 28, 2009 at 4:59 PM · Report
32
i would poke her third eye with my levi python to leave a creamy pie delight for her to squat and quaff. yum yum yum yum!
Posted by boomboom on February 28, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report
33
i certainly hope cum dumpster is putting her proclivities and talents to lucrative usein the adult film industry. other wise....what a waste.
Posted by ellarosa on March 1, 2009 at 12:32 PM · Report
34
I think I'm in love....
Posted by Pervy Perv on March 1, 2009 at 12:58 PM · Report
35
I don't know how rigorous The Stranger is about AP style compliance, but "cum" violates newspaper style guidelines.

Anonymous needs to either point Ms. Dumpster (if you're nasty) to help or live and let live.
Posted by Lauren on March 1, 2009 at 5:00 PM · Report
36
"come" is obsolete. a google search for "come all over her tits" gets just 651 results; "cum all over her tits" gets over 22,000.
Posted by nottmi on March 2, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report
37
She doesn't sound all that bad. I mean at least you know you're gonna get some.
Posted by Just My Type on March 2, 2009 at 11:12 AM · Report
38
I think it's 'come' as a verb (ex: I'm about to come) or 'cum' as a noun (ex: I hate having cum in my mouth)...if that helps any.
Posted by sm on March 2, 2009 at 9:28 PM · Report
39
Thank you, TVdinner--I feel remarkable well-adjusted, too!
Posted by babe on March 2, 2009 at 11:39 PM · Report
40
I feel remarkably well-adjusted now, too. Thank you, TVdinner.
Posted by babe on March 3, 2009 at 12:08 AM · Report
41
I didn't know you knew Nicki
Posted by wrec] on March 3, 2009 at 7:17 AM · Report
42
When I was copyediting for "adult" material, the rule was that "cum" is the noun" and "come" is the verb. Not according to the Chicago Manual or Hoyle, but it does seem to be common usage, which is 8/10 of the law.
Posted by Anathema on March 3, 2009 at 9:59 AM · Report
43
WOW my ex finally makes it on I anon. Much better I anon keep going this direction. EAT MEAT
Posted by PETA PEOPLE EATING TASTY ANIMALS on March 3, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report
44
..and also when yur talking bout my breakfast, "cum" that is :)
Posted by Kip Schoning on March 3, 2009 at 7:33 PM · Report
45
HA! I was thinking the same thing SR. Where does this girl hang out or can I get an intro?
Posted by tedpm206 on March 5, 2009 at 3:13 AM · Report
46
CUM IS PR0N-INDUSTRY STANDARD. FORMAL PROTEST FILED.
Posted by Lawrim0reH0ttEE6969 on March 5, 2009 at 11:59 AM · Report
47
Everyone is on his / her own journey and everyone will arrive eventually, even Dumpster girl. Personally, I'd rather arrive without crabs and gonorrhea, but that's just me.
Posted by Old-Fashioned on March 5, 2009 at 11:01 PM · Report
48
I'll Trade for my closet c. d. that doesn't fantasize, have erotic dreams, won't play act
sex , doesn't ever initiate sex
hates getting oral sex because
of previous experience, told me
that only her husband and i were getting her sex favors.
BUT found out she was swinging with hubby, going on cruises with girlfriend screwing the
waiters, with the idea that it
would be the most memorable event in the lowlife's existance
screwing a goddess that he could never hope to in his wildest dreams accomplish - and she would give him her very best that she never gave me or her husband - she was that Goddess for the waiter he would remember all the rest of his life -she
OWNED HIS THOUGHTS FOREVER.

COMPLETE POWER THAT SHE she could not have with hubby or me.

I'll take the cumdumpster
Posted by shifty logan on March 6, 2009 at 2:13 AM · Report
49
that you jill?
Posted by michael on March 6, 2009 at 2:29 AM · Report
50
How do you know my mom?
Posted by otis on March 7, 2009 at 8:44 PM · Report
51
no-one deserves to be called a cum-dumpster
Posted by Hucker on March 11, 2009 at 10:12 PM · Report

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