I concede, I lost. She told me she was not dating, and I failed to realize she meant she isn't dating ME. That's okay, I'm a rational individual. Except I'm not, you pants-wearing blond pretty boy. I'd put the irate in irrational if it were spelled like that, which it's not, and this makes me EVEN MORE IRATE! If you hurt my redheaded "hurricane," I will end you. Oh yes. I want to reassure you that the hammer is very real and its name is "Snidely WhipSMASH." If you don't intend on putting a ring on her finger, start learning Spanish, because I am never allowed back into Mexico. Water balloons. Lye. I have them. Also, your gauges make you look gay and you were adopted.

—Anonymous