STEVEN WEISSMAN

Thank you for surprising me at work with divorce papers, complete with empty bank accounts. I should have seen this coming, especially with the "love you, have a great day" we exchanged on our way out the door that day—dead fucking giveaway! Thank you for taking our nest egg to the divorce industry with specific instructions for them to fuck us hard out of it for two straight years, they sure came through! Most of all, I thank you for causing mortifying embarrassment to your cunt mother by knocking up the babysitter before our divorce was final. Thanks for it all—I really dodged a bullet. When it's finally time for you to stop squatting in our foreclosed house, I'll be sipping on a nice tall glass of "not my fucking problem" while you find a new home for your baggage.

—Anonymous