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I, Anonymous

Dear Ex-Husband

Thank you for surprising me at work with divorce papers, complete with empty bank accounts. I should have seen this coming, especially with the "love you, have a great day" we exchanged on our way out the door that day—dead fucking giveaway! Thank you for taking our nest egg to the divorce industry with specific instructions for them to fuck us hard out of it for two straight years, they sure came through! Most of all, I thank you for causing mortifying embarrassment to your cunt mother by knocking up the babysitter before our divorce was final. Thanks for it all—I really dodged a bullet. When it's finally time for you to stop squatting in our foreclosed house, I'll be sipping on a nice tall glass of "not my fucking problem" while you find a new home for your baggage.

—Anonymous

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Comments (39) RSS

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1
Yawn. A typical bad marriage ending in a typical bad divorce - babysitter thing is neither here nor there - she could be the same age as the wife, for example. Draining a bank account prior to filing for divorce is depressing, but not uncommon - and oh, a wife doesn't like her mother in law? Jaws dropping.

2/10 - the nice tall glass of 'not my fucking problem' just tries too hard to sound cool.
Posted by johnjjeeves on August 8, 2012 at 9:52 AM · Report this
Wabash 2
First divorces are always so cute. You just know that no person in all of time has gone through what you are going through. You can't wait to tell everyone how innocent and blind sided you were. Next one you will start to realize that nobody wants to hear it.
Posted by Wabash on August 8, 2012 at 9:53 AM · Report this
3
If only there were some way of getting to know the person you want to marry and have children with BEFORE the marriage and kids come along...
Posted by suddenlyorcas on August 8, 2012 at 9:59 AM · Report this
Mittens Schrodinger 4
If only gay marriage hadn't ruined this beautiful union. Sad.
Posted by Mittens Schrodinger on August 8, 2012 at 10:14 AM · Report this
5
I'm so glad my ex and I decided to be mature adults and end our union on friendly terms. Two years later we are still good friends with love and respect for one another.
Posted by rnydaygrl on August 8, 2012 at 12:48 PM · Report this
6
that was sweet. i had the best divorce in the world, but it's nice to see someone realize they will be better off than the shit bag that caused the problem..well played.. and enjoy the drink..

and no i'm not a woman taking the womans side..i'm a realistic thinking guy that loves to play the cut'em off at the knees defense..
Posted by eSP on August 8, 2012 at 2:12 PM · Report this
7
advice to women who are feeling doubts about their husbands fidelity and future intentions...

At the first warning sign, empty your bank accounts YOURSELF, and start new ones in the Cayman Islands. then(having forged your husband's name on a deposit slip before you left home)deposit an equivalent amount of funds in the old accounts using counterfeit currency. This works best if you use the night deposit box.
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on August 8, 2012 at 5:37 PM · Report this
8
I liked this one.
Posted by outrider on August 8, 2012 at 5:56 PM · Report this
9
Fortunately no kids involved.
Posted by drinkup on August 8, 2012 at 9:53 PM · Report this
10
@9 - so... the babysitter was just hanging out?
Posted by johnjjeeves on August 9, 2012 at 9:56 AM · Report this
wilbur@work 11
what 8 said. some jaded MFs in here.
Posted by wilbur@work on August 9, 2012 at 12:17 PM · Report this
12
Every single I Anonymous people complain is too boring. If they're so boring, why do people continue to read them? Jeez.
Posted by aaz on August 9, 2012 at 2:28 PM · Report this
onion 13
i liked this one too.
sorry about the nasty divorce, Anonymous.
Posted by onion on August 9, 2012 at 3:35 PM · Report this
14
You dodged a bullet? Pretty sure this is the definition of getting hit by the bullet.
Posted by SaraJean on August 9, 2012 at 4:03 PM · Report this
15
If there ever was a situation that called for mounds of cocaine and copious amounts of malt liquor.......
Posted by bvelvet on August 9, 2012 at 4:53 PM · Report this
16
@4 You win the Internet.

@7 Wow. May your spouse never get on your bad side.

@15 Thanks - I was waiting for *someone* to say it...
Posted by Electric Maenad on August 9, 2012 at 7:02 PM · Report this
17
My divorce had similar surprise, pain, drama, greed, and perjury. Five years later, it's all in the distant past. My ex has proven with her actions how small she really is, and I've had five solid years of good relationship with my kids and lifestyle hedonism on the side. Gentlemen, don't get married unless you're sure of it AND she signs the pre-nup.
Posted by Bachelor Dude on August 10, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
18
This husband may have learned those tactics from women who are usually quicker than hubby to take the $ and run. Mixed marriages... what do you expect?
Posted by parisimo on August 10, 2012 at 1:38 PM · Report this
19
@14, the bullet would be remaining married to him. I can speak from experience about being better off than with someone who would drain bank accounts and screw over someone they once swore undying allegiance to. I can still hold my head up while he's lost every friend he had thanks to his blatant assholery. I can totally relate to "not my fucking problem anymore." Divorce sucks, staying with an asshole sucks harder.
Posted by portland scribe on August 10, 2012 at 1:52 PM · Report this
20
wow, did i write this? hope you can get on with your life. selfish bastards..
Posted by irjfdsljck on August 10, 2012 at 11:30 PM · Report this
21
Never get married. Gays and lesbians, good luck.
Posted by MacGruber on August 10, 2012 at 11:35 PM · Report this
22
@21 for the win.
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 11, 2012 at 1:51 AM · Report this
23
I went thru almost the exact same thing. Stunned me at work with divorce papers, but instead of the babysitter, it was my sons school lunch lady. A buffalo that topped out at 300 lbs. I guess I should have worn a hairy mole and hairnet to bed. I lost my job, house, car and saving, but I walked out with my freedom and without all the STD's he spreads. His own niece calls him Patient Zero.
Posted by Huge Liability on August 11, 2012 at 11:28 AM · Report this
24
@23 Wow, poor baby! Life is just so fucking rough for you. It probably had absolutely nothing to do with you demonstrating poor judgement and decision-making skills when it comes to mate selection.

Your son's lunch lady may be fat and, oh hell, she might even be a real pizza face, but you know what? She's probably not a horrible, judgmental, and immature person like you.
Posted by domie probably can't stand you on August 11, 2012 at 4:34 PM · Report this
Y.F. Redux 25
Always keep separate accounts. Always. Make a budget and share expenses but never have a joint account.
Posted by Y.F. Redux on August 12, 2012 at 9:28 AM · Report this
26
WHO THE FUCK REALLY CARES? ODDS ARE AGAINST ANY MARRIAGE WORKING OUT
Posted by enduser on August 12, 2012 at 4:58 PM · Report this
27
@24, Wow! You sound just like my ex. Thankfull I have learned to recognize judgemental asshole like you. Um...wow...You go on and have fun being a loser, asshole, immature, judgemental asshat. I'm going to keep enjoying my life and my friends and family. You rememeber what friends are right? Those people your mommy paid to hang out with you when you are just a little fatty, instead of the obviously gigantic fatty you are today. You are a sadly pathetic person. Maybe if you put down the pizza, you can lose enough weight to fit thru your door and have a life again.
Posted by Huge Liability on August 12, 2012 at 5:29 PM · Report this
monkwild 28
I Anon, that totally sucks and I've more or less been there. You dodged a bullet for sure! Sometimes an unfortunate kick in the teeth helps one build *the best* judgement. But I gotta say, you are an awesome writer. Do something with that!
Posted by monkwild on August 12, 2012 at 6:19 PM · Report this
29
This is what happens when people rush into marriage. Lived with the wify for 5 years before we got hitched, and it's been 18 more.

But other than taxes, is there any real reason to do it anymore?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 13, 2012 at 8:51 AM · Report this
debug 30
Some of the comments here: Prenups, separate accounts, etc.

Why do divorced people think they have any good marriage advice to offer?

I wouldn't take gardening advice from somebody who killed all the plants.
Posted by debug on August 13, 2012 at 12:12 PM · Report this
31
I think we probably have a good idea of what not to do. We obviously haven't found the "what to do" part, though. I for one, will never marry again. I dated him for 4 years, lived with him for 2 before we married and thought I knew him. Even looking back 20 years later, I am still shocked by how sudden his change was. Even his own family was flabbergasted. I will say this. Get a pre-nup even if you own nothing yet, keep seperate bank accounts and treat each other with respect even if you are angry. Nothing will tear up your soul more than being disrepectful of your mates feelings. It doesn't hurt just them, it hurts you too in the end. #30, we learned the first 2 the very hard way, that's all. Spare yourself added agony if you can.
Posted by Huge Liability on August 13, 2012 at 9:04 PM · Report this
lauramae 32
It really doesn't matter how common it is, if it is your own situation. People feel burned especially when it is a horrible surprise. And when you realize all of the stuff the ex did to either deceive, or hurt, then whatever "friendship" that may have remained pretty much goes out the window.

Shitty behavior by a spouse engenders bitterness and often rightfully so.

I think many people read these I, Anonymous pieces so they can gloat at what evolved humans they are or to snark at whoever is complaining.

Posted by lauramae on August 14, 2012 at 9:37 PM · Report this
33
How surprising! another straight-male bashing piece from the stranger.

The awful truth is that ALL humans are basically flawed, unstable and fucked. If you can't deal with that, get a dog.
Posted by Proud straight white male on August 15, 2012 at 8:46 AM · Report this
34
#30 , debug, "I wouldn't take gardening advice from someone that killed all the plants" ROTFL!!! Thank you for that!
Posted by auntielarrie on August 15, 2012 at 1:04 PM · Report this
Slam1263 35
Pikers.

My X put $750,000 into a glass pipe.

She didn't even offer to share, I didn't offer to stay married.
Posted by Slam1263 on August 15, 2012 at 4:36 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 36
@32,

A lot of these comments also show how determined people are to believe that something like this could never happen to them. That they could never be fooled into loving a shitty person, or that their spouse could never change into a shitty person over the course of a decade together.

My father was totally the type to drain the bank accounts and change the locks to the house, but he still managed to convince five different women to marry him (not at the same time). Most of them weren't crazy or stupid.
Posted by keshmeshi on August 16, 2012 at 11:01 AM · Report this
37
#33...dude, most STRAIGHT MALES would bash the guy who did this to "Anon".

You don't speak for straight males, my friend. Maybe you speak for straight males in 1953, but...news flash...most of those guys are dead now.
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on August 22, 2012 at 11:20 AM · Report this
38
@29: Immigration. If you are with someone from another country, much the easiest way to get legal residency in that country is getting married. At any rate, that's why I got married.
Posted by Bobo on August 23, 2012 at 8:30 AM · Report this
quix 39
@30: I'd actually think the divorced/plant killers would be excellent repositories of what not to do.
Posted by quix on September 14, 2012 at 10:46 AM · Report this

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