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I, Anonymous

Dear Christian Coworker

I don't care if Ken Ham gives you a hard-on. Stop telling me I'm going to burn in a lake of fire for all eternity and that I'd "better be ready when Jesus returns." Please just stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know I make you uncomfortable by talking about Carl Sagan, but please keep in mind that you didn't even graduate high school, you recently bragged about spending two grand on "20s" for your used Lexus, and you visit Vegas on a quarterly basis with your "bros." I would call you an ignorant, foolish hypocrite to your face, but I'm afraid you will inevitably cry persecution and claim yourself vindicated according to the good book.

I know Jesus gives you a reason not to hate yourself. He used to be in my heart, too, and I was joyous. Do you know what else made me joyous? Heroin. And they each took two years to fully recover from. Maybe you were raised this way, maybe you're born-again after a stint of fleshly sins post-adolescence, or maybe some homeless guy walked by one day and called you a piece of shit. I don't fucking care why or how you came to believe Jesus rose from the dead three days later. Just shut up.

—Anonymous

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Comments (25) RSS

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1
I like the Jesus/Heroin connection. Mindless numbing is mindless numbing...
Posted by turtlemilk on October 31, 2012 at 9:26 AM · Report
2
Any vaguely competent HR department would stop this sort of bullshit immediately, once it was reported. No company would want to take on the liability of a Workplace Harassment lawsuit, even if the perpetrator was working from the communities dominant religion.

I'd call fake, but it may just be evidence of how ignorant many people are about these types of protections.
Posted by You're Going To Hell Seems Like A Hostile Environment on October 31, 2012 at 10:30 AM · Report
TheMisanthrope 3
@1 Agreed. That makes this I anon one of the top ten ever.
Posted by TheMisanthrope on October 31, 2012 at 11:22 AM · Report
Cascade Citizen 4
When Jesus returns, he will come bearing COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR. It's not heroin, but it's something.
Posted by Cascade Citizen on October 31, 2012 at 11:23 AM · Report
5
Xian's cannot and will not stop pushing their brain affliction on others.

The con-men leaders that have brainwashed them into servitude are hungry for fresh recruits for their war for Xian supremacy.

Try to convince a xian zombie that they are dupes for one of the oldest Jewish scams in history and this follower of the "Peace and Love" religion will come out swinging or even shooting (if they are in a third world country)

Most governments will do nothing to protect their population from these con-men and women (and even give them tax exempt status) because they tend to make people good sheep who can be led without question or resistance. They can even be coerced into voting the way they are told to. (just look at the current news for proof of this)

Posted by Xians are violent idiots on October 31, 2012 at 11:52 AM · Report
6
Jesus is probably doing COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR. Thats why he hasn't come back yet.
Posted by easterbunny on October 31, 2012 at 11:53 AM · Report
7
@1 for the win!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on October 31, 2012 at 12:27 PM · Report
8
Sounds like this conflict has more to do with the person than their religious affiliation.
Posted by no7 on October 31, 2012 at 3:26 PM · Report
Vancouverite 9
@8 - You are totally missing the point of the I-Anon column.
Posted by Vancouverite on October 31, 2012 at 6:57 PM · Report
10
You're talking about Carl Sagan at work? What a pretentious little twat.
Posted by Cletus on November 1, 2012 at 8:36 AM · Report
11
@8 Possibly, but the persecution complex imagined by these bible-thumpers plays a fairly reliable role in turning formerly pleasant people into raging faith-based dickheads. They confuse being snubbed as asshole-blowhards with the suppression of their precious message, and the more dickish they are about it, the more they convince themselves that evil forces are arrayed against them. This strengthens their faith and makes it even more immune to reason and honest inquiry. It also tends to make them even louder about it, becoming even douche-ier, and the cycle reinforces itself.

Positive Feedback 101
Posted by ctmcmull on November 1, 2012 at 8:56 AM · Report
12
@2,

Not all HR departments are competent, and not all workplaces have an HR specialist, let alone an entire department.

If this coworker doesn't even have a high school degree and if Anon is a former heroin addict, this workplace may not exactly be a professional environment.
Posted by keshmeshi on November 1, 2012 at 11:52 AM · Report
13
What's are the 20s for the used Lexus? And what's the problem with used? Aren't Christians allowed to look for bargains?
Posted by portland scribe on November 1, 2012 at 12:17 PM · Report
14
@12 Every once in a while, one gets reminded about privilege...
Posted by You're Going To Hell Seems Like A Hostile Environment on November 2, 2012 at 11:37 AM · Report
15
Did anyone else have the "Jesus Christ is Lord" ad for Christian Mingle loaded on the page? That was a perfect complement to this I, Anon.

I, Anon should just tell his co-worker that kind of talk in unsuitable/inappropriate for the workplace and if he doesn't STFU and stop, s/he will take action. Bam. Problem = Solved.

Why do people take this kind of shit?
Posted by twiggn on November 2, 2012 at 2:38 PM · Report
misssmartypants 16
Oh fuckarooni. I feel for anonymous. I worked in a place in Everett that was saturated with jesus message. I took pics cause it was mind boggling, and I needed proof . No one believed me otherwise. Prayer all the time, biblical messages in the lunchroom, bathroom, hallways, work area. Pamphlets on how you pray could cure aids, diabetes, hep a b c, blindness, deafness Ect..and if you weren't cured, you didn't pray correctly, long enough, blah blah blah. I got out of there. The pay wasn't worth it. What was crazy, is that I've never met such back stabbing ruthless Jesus loving bastards like them in my life, and it scared the shit outta me.
Posted by misssmartypants on November 2, 2012 at 10:09 PM · Report
17
@15:

No, the rest of us have AdBlock Plus. Give it a try!
Posted by TheBadSeed131313 on November 2, 2012 at 11:55 PM · Report
Texas10R 18
Religious distress is at the same time the expression of real distress and the protest against real distress. Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, just as it is the spirit of a spiritless situation. It is the opium of the people.
-Karl Marx
Posted by Texas10R on November 3, 2012 at 6:19 PM · Report
Texas10R 19
...or you could file a workplace harassment complaint, followed by a law suit.
Posted by Texas10R on November 3, 2012 at 6:21 PM · Report
20
@15 & @16: Agreed.
The wingnuts who really piss me off are the ones who keep trying to pray WITH me, insist I read their "literature", show up at my door as if I'm supposed to be so thrilled that they "chose" to interrupt my day, and announce that the End is Near upon reciting endless biblical quotes. 'Jesus is coming, and boy, is He pissed!'
"Nope, nope, NOPE-----you ain't been SAVED!!"
Interesting. I've got some coupons saved. Are they going to heaven?
It amazes me that God hasn't zapped these weirdos in the badoobies yet----like in Caddyshack when Bishop Bickering misses what would have been his club record breaking putt, and yells, "Oh, ramparts!!!"
I guess that has to happen in Florida.
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 4, 2012 at 9:35 PM · Report
21
THAT's it------the wingnut issue of "getting saved" is all about MONEY!!!
Don't those idiots know that they can't take it with them, even if they DO make it to heaven?
Posted by auntie grizelda on November 4, 2012 at 9:42 PM · Report
S T 22
Well working with christian conservative teabaggers is a real headache. A place I used to work was infested with those AM radio listening retards. Really they are just ignorant people who don't know any better. They were raised into that shit and their minds are incapable to think outside the conservative box. Try talking to them about atheism and how there probably isnt any god and what a waste of time church is etc. They will be shocked at first but maybe it will spark something and who knows joe teabagger might start thinking for himself someday.
Posted by S T on November 5, 2012 at 1:24 PM · Report
HellboundAlleee 23
@10: How dare someone have a conversation about Carl Sagan in the breakroom, lest a Christian might hear! And how pretentious to talk about a man whose job was to educate children, and the masses who may not be well-versed in science, with an entertaining message! So pretentious and above our heads!

If Carl Sagan is "pretentious," then the bible is overwhelming. And I got to hear plenty about it in my small-town breakroom. When I had a short convo with a friend at lunch, I mentioned abiogenesis, and an overhearing coworker told me he was going to report me to HR for creating a "hostile work environment." And this is what I said:

"In the beginning, there was no life, the earth was forming...BOOM, the earth simmered from earth quakes, mountains forming, oceans boiling, then all was quiet....a little pool of water forms..in that pool, two tiny amoeba, the start of life."

--Bugs Bunny, "This is a Life?" 1955
Posted by HellboundAlleee http://hellboundalleee.blogspot.com on November 6, 2012 at 1:50 PM · Report
24
I had issues with religious zealots at work, too, but having belonged to a group that is aware of religious rights, we were able to nip it in the bud. One boss had someone who didn't like me actually tell her I was discussing 'voodoo' at work. She believed it, despite the fact that I was on graveyard, and there was no one else in there. I also told her that if she can wear her cross, I can wear my pentagram, and if she doesn't like it, the federal government might have something to say about it. Another place, we had an employee who was about the ONLY christian. As soon as the doors were locked after closing, she'd put on Christian music. We complained, she 'pooh-poohed' it. I said, "We have two pagans and two Red Road Native Americans, and we don't want to hear it!" She ignored us, until I went to the boss and said it was RELIGIOUS HARASSMENT, forcing us to listen to her horrid gospel crap. She was told to stop, but wasn't too pleasant after that---LOL. Take that shit HOME!
Posted by cattycat on November 6, 2012 at 11:09 PM · Report
25
@1,3 ans 4, hell yeah! F'n awesome and yes, best anon ever.
Posted by CarrionDoll on November 12, 2012 at 11:17 PM · Report

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