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I, Anonymous

Everyone Loves Big Butts

I am a DJ, a girl DJ. All DJs cannot stand doing weddings, especially those of rich white girls who just graduated from college and are marrying their college sweethearts. First of all, please tell your drunken uncles to stop asking out the DJ. Next, don't plan a six-hour wedding because no one wants to spend all of Saturday at your stupid wedding. You tell me that I cannot play cheesy wedding music, country music, and especially do not play Sir Mix-A-Lot. Well, guess what? That is what all your guests request, and when they cannot have fun at your stupid wedding, they go home. "Baby Got Back" is the most requested wedding song ever, and what I really want to tell you is "This is just your first wedding!" and next week I could get your husband to cheat on you if I wanted. Now that you've ruined everyone's good time and people are leaving early, you come to me crying and wondering why, why, why are my guests leaving? Their excuse is that they have to go and pick up the kids from the babysitter, since you wrote on the invitation that children were not welcome.

All of you brides, please take my advice and relax: Weddings are supposed to be a fun family affair for people of all ages. The best weddings I have ever worked are where I play requests from guests aged 5 to 85. Chill the eff out.

—Anonymous

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Comments (28) RSS

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1
Am I first? Well then all that bitch needed was some COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR.
Posted by rafferty on November 7, 2012 at 3:21 AM · Report
Theodore Gorath 2
He who pays the piper picks the tune.

I guess I have not been to too many weddings, but is "Baby Got Back" really that popular?
Posted by Theodore Gorath on November 7, 2012 at 7:20 AM · Report
3
I think women get brainwashed into thinking "this is MY special day and I need to control every single detail" and ironically have a much less enjoyable day than if they just chilled out and let things flow.

I learned a lot from watching my control freak bridezilla friends collapse into blubbering messes because someone played a song they didn't approve of or whatever. On my wedding day I let the bridesmaids decide on their dresses (and they picked something beautiful, flattering and affordable!), let the guests eat and drink as much as they wanted and request whatever music they wanted, and we all just got loose and had an AWESOME time. And the band, DJ and hotel staff said it was the best wedding they'd ever seen!
Posted by the_spiral on November 7, 2012 at 8:00 AM · Report
4
Next week, the DJ hits on the husband and gets shot down. Then she returns to I anon to complain some more.
Posted by lololololol!! on November 7, 2012 at 8:56 AM · Report
5
I really want to tell you is "This is just your first wedding!" and next week I could get your husband to cheat on you if I wanted.

Wow. Well. Professional.

Any-hoo ... Obviously, most weddings suffer from a distinct lack of copious quantities of, yes, get ready, huge piles of COCAINE and 10 to 15 cases of MALT LIQUOR. I prefer St, Ides.

And rafferty, would you kindly shut the fuck up?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on November 7, 2012 at 9:08 AM · Report
6
I buy that the grooms hit on her. Men who get hitched to control-freaky women forget there are relaxed, nice, thoughtful, non-mommy types out there and when they see their wife in all her craziness they'd likely become very susceptible to a lapse of judgement.
Posted by Kanoodling on November 7, 2012 at 10:39 AM · Report
7
I wouldn't want country music played within 50 yards of me at any time..... period!

Stupid music for ignorant people!
Posted by country music sucks on November 7, 2012 at 12:22 PM · Report
TVDinner 8
@3: They always say that. They're keeping the illusion alive.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on November 7, 2012 at 1:29 PM · Report
9
@7 Agreed. Country music sucks. But the people who listen to it are even worse... the problem is they generalize us non-country music listeners and don't even bother to get to know us before judging. Such ignorance!
Posted by cameltoe on November 7, 2012 at 3:14 PM · Report
10
My guess is that the Bride's butt is the size of Rhode Island and that she was insulted by the mix-a-lot song.
Posted by Girls don't kick ass... they grow it. on November 7, 2012 at 4:08 PM · Report
11
Just shut up and press play on the Macbook, DJ. They're not paying you to think. And neither are we.
Posted by FACE!!! on November 7, 2012 at 11:20 PM · Report
12
This is the best I Anon I've read in forever. I agree completely. I also recently went to a great wedding that had kids of all ages, and while lamentably, Baby Got Back was not played I am 100% sure that it is not because the bride banned it. People stayed late, drank, ate, danced, and had fun!
Posted by sweet g on November 8, 2012 at 6:34 AM · Report
Bonefish 13
On the one hand, I don't want an over-planned wedding where every detail is obsessed over. On the other hand, I can't defend the tacky "quirkiness" of playing sir mix-a-lot at every bland little wedding in history.

Solution: just have a good playlist on during the reception and don't waste hard-earned cash on a shitty, passive-aggressive DJ. Problem solved.
Posted by Bonefish http://5bmisc.blogspot.com/ on November 8, 2012 at 11:10 AM · Report
14
@7 @9 any sense of irony? No?not feeling a a bit generalizing and judgemental?
Posted by There's good songs in all styles on November 8, 2012 at 5:41 PM · Report
15
Ugh. This anon is horrible.

Anon, please stop being such an ignorant bitch.
Posted by wafflemaker on November 9, 2012 at 10:58 AM · Report
16
as a DJ i have done weddings.

you ask up front can i go with it or do you want a playlist? they answer, you get paid.

it might hurt your musical sensibilities, but YOU GET PAID AND YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

also @15

Posted by beenthereanddonethat on November 9, 2012 at 3:38 PM · Report
17
@14 I was pointing out 7's hypocrisy. Thanks for noticing though.
Posted by cameltoe on November 9, 2012 at 5:09 PM · Report
mtnlion 18
Interestingly, I kind of want very little control and/or planning of my own wedding. I'd like to just say "No Jennifer Lopez allowed," pick out a dress, and just show up to an awesome day with friends and family and of course, best husband on the planet.

Planning stresses me out. Things turn out the best when you just relax.

Posted by mtnlion on November 10, 2012 at 8:09 AM · Report
well_now 19
As someone who worked in wedding catering for a long, long time: wedding DJs are the reason why I'm not getting a wedding DJ for my reception in January. Wedding DJs are all horrible people.
Posted by well_now on November 10, 2012 at 2:26 PM · Report
Lissa 20
My Dj was awesome. DJ Booberry is her name, and she does the music for Rat City as well. We had a great time hanging out, and going through her music before the event, and on the day of she knocked it out of the park.
Posted by Lissa on November 11, 2012 at 7:31 PM · Report
mr. herriman 21
we made a playlist, arranged and recorded it all, and found a DJ willing to stick to it. we forbid any of the tired "get the crowd involved" antics that are so annoying, basically just said bring your gear, play these songs, and don't try any funny business. it went beautifully - and with the exception of playing one of the songs twice and fairly closely together, we had exactly the soundtrack we hoped we would have. and no, 'baby got back' wasn't on it.
Posted by mr. herriman on November 12, 2012 at 2:05 AM · Report
22
You getting paid to play what the bride wants. Play what the bride wants, and act like it's your thing too.

On another subject, fuck John Olerud.
Posted by Bobitro on November 12, 2012 at 3:20 AM · Report
23
@20
Yeah. I agree DJ Booberry is the BEST...
Posted by SidesOne on November 12, 2012 at 9:20 PM · Report
24
The going rate for 4 hours of wedding DJ'ing is $800 - $1000 (plus tip) in the Portland/Seattle area. If she doesn't want the money, why is she doing it? If she does want the money, she should accept that a good 50% is compensation for exactly what she's bitching about.

Nitpick: How is the bride supposed to relax while getting snark from the DJ? And why do you imagine seducing her new husband? Sounds pretty bitter to me -- I'm guessing Anon isn't married herself. (Not that marriage insulates one from bitterness, but this Anon sounds like she's bitter at the bride for getting a guy to marry her. People who feel like that shouldn't be in the wedding industry.)
Posted by wxPDX on November 13, 2012 at 2:42 PM · Report
25
i like this advice. when i got married, we chose a couple of songs to play at the start of the reception that meant a lot to us--for our bride/groom dance. we gave the DJ a whole mess of music that we liked and wanted him to play...and he didn't really play much of it and i didn't complain because everyone was having a great time, doing the "chicken dance" that i would have rejected out of hand, being too cool for that sort of thing. the dj knew what he was doing--he knows what people want to hear and he was right. yes, i had to listen to stuff i hated and do silly dances but i just relaxed and rolled with it -- had a great time, one of the best days of my life!!
Posted by ribs on November 14, 2012 at 12:55 PM · Report
26
i bet mr. herrimans wedding was a real tight-ass affair, pinkies in the air and all. oh, dear! we wouldn't want to get the crowd involved!! they might have fun!
Posted by ribs on November 14, 2012 at 1:06 PM · Report
Auragasm 27
They played "Sweet Home Alabama" at my wedding, and though I was clearly annoyed, it didn't ruin my day. The majority of my guests were on the dance floor, so it didn't really matter.

Weddings are a formality, not "the most important day of your life" and brides are usually way too busy schmoozin' to dictate every little detail. Play that dated generic shit, watch your drunken relatives have a blast, it's great.

That being said, I never want to be the bride again. Being a guest is much better.
Posted by Auragasm on November 15, 2012 at 10:08 AM · Report
28
Now I know why I hate weddings. Not enough brides are like #3, who should get married more often!
Posted by Mister G on November 16, 2012 at 12:25 PM · Report

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