STEVEN WEISSMAN

I am a DJ, a girl DJ. All DJs cannot stand doing weddings, especially those of rich white girls who just graduated from college and are marrying their college sweethearts. First of all, please tell your drunken uncles to stop asking out the DJ. Next, don't plan a six-hour wedding because no one wants to spend all of Saturday at your stupid wedding. You tell me that I cannot play cheesy wedding music, country music, and especially do not play Sir Mix-A-Lot. Well, guess what? That is what all your guests request, and when they cannot have fun at your stupid wedding, they go home. "Baby Got Back" is the most requested wedding song ever, and what I really want to tell you is "This is just your first wedding!" and next week I could get your husband to cheat on you if I wanted. Now that you've ruined everyone's good time and people are leaving early, you come to me crying and wondering why, why, why are my guests leaving? Their excuse is that they have to go and pick up the kids from the babysitter, since you wrote on the invitation that children were not welcome.

All of you brides, please take my advice and relax: Weddings are supposed to be a fun family affair for people of all ages. The best weddings I have ever worked are where I play requests from guests aged 5 to 85. Chill the eff out.

—Anonymous