STEVEN WEISSMAN

I did California stops all the way across the top of Queen Anne, and you, the busybodied hybrid driver, damn near wrecked in an attempt to impose your first-world, white, pseudo-prudent driving ethics on me. I could tell what you were up to when your headlights became glued to my bumper and you tastelessly tailgated me all the way across the Aurora Bridge. I imagined your diatribe: "You know what! You need to learn how to drive! I'm gonna call the police on you! There were STOP signs back there!" But you couldn't catch me. Be assured, I drive efficiently, and when it comes to simple grown-up judgments, I run libertarian. You can wait for the neon-orange crossing guard, but I'm a big boy. Plus, think how much better for the environment it is if we don't stop pointlessly all the fucking time. What is it with people in this town? In cities like New York, there's a flow, and people don't have time for whiny shit like yours. Here, if you walk in the wrong lane around Green Lake, there's the peanut gallery busting a hemorrhoid to put you in your place. To these people, I say, there are REAL problems in the world, get a life. Anyway, as you followed, I faked your bitch ass out to dust you off my tail, just like in the movies! I signaled right to get off on 39th, you followed suit, and when I shot back onto 99, you nearly rammed into the guardrail! Now how would you have explained that one to the cops? In the passive-aggressive tradition of this city, I say, anonymously, FUCK YOU!

—Anonymous