December 26, 2012

I, Anonymous

Friendship Pending

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STEVEN WEISSMAN

We met on Facebook (you were connected with an old work friend), found common musical/spiritual/creative interests, swapped music we'd created back and forth. When you moved to town, I was stoked to finally meet a Facebook friend in person. My partner and I traveled way across town to visit and really liked you, your home, your family. We offered support during your transition and talked with you about fun stuff to do together, friends we could introduce you to. I spent a few evenings (remotely) trying to help you get your gear set up. Got all fired up to start creating more music to share, planned with you for future visits. Then your friend arrived in town to work on your project and... [crickets]. Well, except for the multiple daily Facebook posts with coy little messages about all the great sex, mash notes between you and new bf, pictures of you two in lovey-dovey (thankfully, clothed) poses. I'm glad you're happy, but WTF are you, in high school? (That might also explain the wigga poses—if you weren't twice the high-school age already.) Are you even conscious of what a cliché it is to retreat into a closed bliss bubble the second you start getting laid again? Like Stew said, I've seen this flick before, and it gets boring. Call when you start thinking with your big head again. And for the sake of your Facebook friends who haven't yet pulled the plug on you, please get a fucking room.

—Anonymous

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Jealous much?

Posted by TheMisanthrope on December 26, 2012 at 9:18 AM · Report

Wow, this has got to be the most petty person in the universe.

Talk about first world problems.

Posted by Theodore Gorath on December 26, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report

I was gonna lay into ya for whining, but shit man I've been shutout by a "friend" for a significant other too and it kinda sucks.
Be happy that you tried to be a good friend and don't burn any bridges. People do funny things. Life is way too short.

On a side note, I did a SHIT TON OF COCAINE over the holidays and karate chopped a homeless man that actually turned out to be a bag of trash in an alley.
I'm getting therapy for my lack of empathy for the homeless. The cocaine isn't a problem though. I promise.

Posted by growler on December 26, 2012 at 12:02 PM · Report

you jelly? let them be in love.

Posted by chubby on December 26, 2012 at 12:14 PM · Report

life is so much easier when you have no expectations. of anything or anyone.

Posted by scary tyler moore

on December 26, 2012 at 2:13 PM · Report

Growler, have you tried balancing your COCAINE with a little MALT LIQUOR?

And yes, this I, Anon sounds very pathetic. How dare a Facebook Friend devote a lot of time to their boy/girlfriend… Perhaps a boy / girlfriend is what’s actually missing in I, Anon’s empty life?

Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 26, 2012 at 2:43 PM · Report

Thanks Ziff, I desperately needed both the cocaine AND the Malt Liquor refs (to complete my holidays), you've made them go hand in hand now.
Alas, none of my pals read I Anon & miss the Ziff & ref. completely.

Posted by AlyinSebby on December 26, 2012 at 6:08 PM · Report

Facebook is so 2012

Posted by mizmojo on December 26, 2012 at 8:25 PM · Report

"We met on Facebook." Nuff said.

Posted by meb on December 26, 2012 at 11:50 PM · Report

"Unsubscribe." It is the secret to not seeing attention you're not getting.

Posted by blackwinterbyrd on December 27, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report

how long before FB is passeè and a generation emerges who can honestly say 'whats facebook?'

kinda like AOL, friendster etc. that time cant get here fast enuff

Posted by Cassette tape fan on December 27, 2012 at 8:02 PM · Report

Facebook has not cornered the market on flakiness. I'm going to make a website to compete with Facebook called Face-schmuck. So nobody steal this idea. It's mine.

Posted by MacGruber on December 27, 2012 at 11:28 PM · Report

Lesbians. Most likly I, Anon secretly lusts for her Facebook Friend, but FB Friend isn't into chicks. But if only I, Anon and her Stalk-ee could hang out more, maybe FB Friend would find her inner-Lesbian, and all would be good, and a Domestic Partnership would flourish.

Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 28, 2012 at 10:05 AM · Report

Wow. How sad. "I was stoked to finally meet a facebook friend in person." I'm sure that's not phrased exactly as IA meant - but I make it a point not to be facebook "friends" with anyone I haven't met in person. When a friend died, I got bunches of friend requests because my privacy settings only allowed messages from friends - so people on the other side of the country had to friend me for information. But they all got removed after a month or two. IA - you clearly have too many fb friends. And that is actually really sad. Go outside. Take a class. Ugh.

Posted by kmtexas on December 28, 2012 at 12:31 PM · Report