Columns

I, Anonymous

Get a Room and Kill Yourselves

You come into my coffee shop almost every day. The two of you have your arms wrapped around each other like an octopus and you nuzzle each other as you wait in line. It's obvious that you are in your own special little world and only come down to earth for mundane purposes. I always ask you what you want. Instead of answering me, you whisper it to your boyfriend and he tells me. I ask a follow-up question, you whisper your response to him and he tells me. It's not cute—it is FUCKING ANNOYING. It's a coffee order, not the secret to Narnia. You come across as a brain-dead zombie incapable of human interaction instead of the sweet so-much-in-love pixie that you imagine you are.

—Anonymous

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Comments (48) RSS

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1
Jealous much?
Posted by turtlemilk on January 30, 2013 at 9:54 AM · Report this
2
Why no picture? This IA is ripe for illustration!
Posted by silent on January 30, 2013 at 9:58 AM · Report this
3
If this is how upset you get dealing with a rather innocuous set of behaviors at your coffeehouse job, I'd hate to see your coping skills when you grow up and deal with clients instead of customers. Or students and their families instead of coffee drinkers. You will have, if you're lucky, patients or subordinates or passengers. People who will offend or insult without any effort on their part. Get over it now. You're going to need the practice.
Posted by fido on January 30, 2013 at 10:11 AM · Report this
4
This behavior annoys me and I'm not even in the service industry. Hint: this is why I don't work in the service industry.
Posted by Jizzlobber on January 30, 2013 at 10:25 AM · Report this
5
They are in your line for all of five minutes. Surely you can ignore their behavior for the time it takes you to take their order and collect your (unearned, IMO) tips.
Posted by treehugger on January 30, 2013 at 10:35 AM · Report this
6
Me and my high school sweetheart used to do stuff like that. I wish someone had slapped us and told me what a douche I was.
Posted by Tetsujin28 on January 30, 2013 at 10:48 AM · Report this
thatsnotright 7
If this happened once it would be one thing, but Anon. sees it every day. I doubt jealousy has anything to do with it, even people in good relationships don't always want to watch other people snogging like tweens at a makeout party. I have some overly demonstrative friends whose constant macking is really annoying, to not just me, but many in our circle, where it has become a joke. Billing and cooing is OK for that early-infatuation period, but after awhile it is sick-making.
Posted by thatsnotright on January 30, 2013 at 10:50 AM · Report this
8
"not the secret to Narnia" :) good one.
Posted by deedubb on January 30, 2013 at 11:56 AM · Report this
9
Maybe she's his slave and she isn't allowed to talk to anyone else. Still, no less annoying if you're not in on the scene.
Posted by Bugnroolet on January 30, 2013 at 12:23 PM · Report this
debug 10
You're in food service, deal with it.

Be happy the universe has given you something so small to bitch about.
Posted by debug on January 30, 2013 at 2:49 PM · Report this
The Wild Sow 11
Maybe she has autism spectrum disorder and CAN'T talk to anyone she doesn't know. Maybe she's deaf or has a speech impairment. Maybe she doesn't speak English. Let it go, dude.
Posted by The Wild Sow on January 30, 2013 at 2:49 PM · Report this
12
@7: And yet, at no point does it become the business of anyone's outside of the couple.
Posted by treehugger on January 30, 2013 at 4:43 PM · Report this
13
@12: it becomes everyone's business as soon as it happens in public.
Posted by Kleginem on January 30, 2013 at 6:55 PM · Report this
14
Put a vibrator up your ass and try to time it so that you cum when she whispers in his ear. The question to elicit this particular whisper should be: "Did you want the extra foam?"
Posted by Fapulous on January 30, 2013 at 8:07 PM · Report this
15
I guess I have to be one of the few other than 7 who agrees with anon. It's one thing being cute and snuggly with your boyfriend, it's totally another when your "cute" behavior impairs your ability to interact with the rest of the world. This is only acceptable MAYBE when 1 is the first digit of your age. After that, if you want to nuzzle and kiss your boyfriend in public whatever, but at least don't hold up the freaking coffee line so you can show everyone how in LUUUV you are.

Is it possible that something else is going on, like 11 suggests? Of course. Is it probable? No. It sounds like anon has seen this pair enough times to know whether it's part of the cute act or a real issue.
Posted by DrReality on January 31, 2013 at 7:11 AM · Report this
Seattlebcc 16
They'll probably end up on the front page with the last line reading, "and then he turned the weapon on himself".
Posted by Seattlebcc on January 31, 2013 at 7:13 AM · Report this
17
I completely agree this type of behavior is nauseating if you are the person taking the order. Have a little common courtesy for the person taking your order. Im sure the people who stick up for this pathetic couple are the same people that talk on their phone, text, or otherwise ignore the "pion" taking their order. It's just common courtesy to engage the person who will be taking and serving your order! Most of us dont act this way beyond high school luckily. I doubt jealousy comes into play here, even when I was in high school this would have been vomit inducing! And if she has some sort of autism spectrum disorder..
doubt it with the overt displays of affection but just in case..someone tell her its inappropriate social behavior! Usually people with austism and social behaviors practice learning how to behave appropriately in society and are "trained" with responses and appropriate ways to respond by family, loved ones, professional. So yeah, no excuse for it! Bring it to the young couples attention I bet they will tone it down.
Posted by fomite on January 31, 2013 at 8:22 AM · Report this
18
Damn you guys. Sure, it's annoying, nauseating, idiotic, all of those things. But IA should really get the fuck over it. Like I said in comment #3, this is nothing compared to what people with jobs outside of the home have to deal with on the regular. Let it go. It's 2 minutes of your day. Make a drinking game of it. Who cares? The dumb couple have to live with their dumb relationship all day every day. It's their problem. Your problem is something else entirely and will hurt you more in the long run than this annoying daily encounter.
Posted by fido on January 31, 2013 at 8:53 AM · Report this
19
P.S. No,#15, I am not one to use my cell phone in line, or at all in public if I can help it. I make it a point to establish eye contact and listen during every little bit of personal interaction where ever I go. But if someone else was raised and is living differently, I don't get pissed and stay pissed and spread the pissy around. I have a little gratitude for what's right and enjoy that which is enjoyable. Instead of setting your brain to simmer when you see them in line, be glad you're not one of them. I just really hope IA didn't actually choose the headline "Get a Room and Kill Yourselves."
Posted by fido on January 31, 2013 at 8:58 AM · Report this
20
Turn your irritation to energy...to put boogers in their coffee.

P.S. Yes, I know spit would take less effort but you are making coffee in the open so boogers would be more discrete. Have some rolled up ready to go.
Posted by meb on January 31, 2013 at 10:01 AM · Report this
21
I agree all around with Fido. Be glad this is your biggest fucking problem, Anon. You're really grasping at straws on this one, especially when the world - especially your country - is in such a fucked up place currently. Why can't you find a cause to throw some of that passion at? You may accidentally make the world a bit better. And if you can't handle things like this, maybe you should kill YOURself.
Posted by Starmartyr on January 31, 2013 at 11:59 AM · Report this
TVDinner 22
Look, there's private space and there's public space. We do private things in private spaces and public things in public spaces. Why is this difficult? Snog at home, fer crissakes.

Next time, barista, give 'em decaf.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on January 31, 2013 at 12:32 PM · Report this
mtnlion 23
@21, and everyone with "if this is your biggest problem, you fucking suck" sentiments: Have you never complained about something just to vent? Just to say "hey, your behavior is not acceptable to me, it's annoying and not precious like you think it is, FYI." I'm sure it's not anon's *BIGGEST* problem in life.

Also, if anon's complaint is *YOUR* biggest complaint, I'd turn those sentences right back around onto yourselves. BOOM.

As a former food service worker, I totally empathize with anon. This shit is not cute. It's infuriating.

Posted by mtnlion http://radicalish.wordpress.com on January 31, 2013 at 4:16 PM · Report this
24
@16 lulz.
Posted by wretching on January 31, 2013 at 5:16 PM · Report this
25
I LOVED this. What the hell is wrong with you people? What if you're in line behind these a-holes? Is it only a problem if it bothers YOU personally? GEEZ! All you food service folk, remember--never complain! You're lucky to have a job.
BTW, Anon, "the sweet so-much-in-love pixie that you imagine you are" is PERFECT.
Posted by portland scribe on January 31, 2013 at 5:18 PM · Report this
mtnlion 26
So many of you are total assholes.
Posted by mtnlion http://radicalish.wordpress.com on January 31, 2013 at 9:24 PM · Report this
Sandiai 27
I don't really like people who do this either; They're involving me (granted, in a small way) in their intimate sexy moment and I didn't really ask to be there. Despite that, I don't think their offense to my sensibilities is actionable, you know?
Posted by Sandiai on January 31, 2013 at 9:40 PM · Report this
28
@20 meb...you are my hero. I couldn't have said it better myself.

As for those of you getting your panties in a bunch about whether or not the LW should just get over him/herself, thanks for the laffs! What's described her is definitely nauseating behavior, and thankfully I,A is a forum to vent about the assholes one encounters in daily life.
Posted by Snarky on January 31, 2013 at 11:12 PM · Report this
29
@20 - Spitting or putting buggers in their coffee is a good way to get sued - haven't you seen the news?
http://www.seattlepi.com/local/article/W…
But if I, Anon *must* go that way, I suggest that she dump some COCAINE in the brew, and serve it with a tall frosty glass of MALT LIQUOR... Then call the cops and tell them you have a problem with some drunk customers.

OR... You could stop being a jealous douche and get your own girlfriend. It's not their fault you're a lesbian.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on February 1, 2013 at 8:40 AM · Report this
30
O'fer Krisakes. To all my colleagues serving the pie holes of both the gems and dregs of humanity, please... please... please perfect your "PUHLEEZ FACE."

It is enough to convey the message to everyone who sees it, yet not enough to get you into trouble.

You'll find a diagram on page 142 of your "Shoulda Nodda Godda Theater Degree" manual.
Posted by Paddy Mac on February 1, 2013 at 10:22 AM · Report this
31
somebody is wearing her gwumpy pants :)
Posted by bob the voter on February 1, 2013 at 11:47 AM · Report this
32
@13: Nope, not even then.
Posted by treehugger on February 1, 2013 at 2:50 PM · Report this
33
@17: You're making assumptions, and yet the only person you're making look like an ass is yourself. I hang up my conversations and give my complete attention to order takers. However, as an order taker myself, I try not to have explosive hissy fits when people don't follow my invisible rules. Not everybody is going to live their lives according to your comfort level. I suggest you learn to deal with that fact.
Posted by treehugger on February 1, 2013 at 2:55 PM · Report this
34
@23: It doesn't matter if their behavior is acceptable or not to the order taker. What they are doing is not illegal. They can do deep breathing or whatever will help them make it through those two whole minutes that they have to deal with the kissy couple.
Posted by treehugger on February 1, 2013 at 2:58 PM · Report this
35
@29, duuuuh.

Of course you would get in trouble if you are caught. But you pretty much have to be caught in the act. They can't tell if there are boogers in their coffee. Spit, maybe, but you can always stir.
Posted by meb on February 1, 2013 at 3:20 PM · Report this
36
@20, @28, @29, and @35: Your comments are why I'm so glad I brew my own drip coffee at home.
Posted by auntie grizelda on February 2, 2013 at 2:17 AM · Report this
37
I do like how only one commenter has speculated that the lady in question might have some issue which is compelling her to lean so heavily on the man who does her speaking for her. I once knew a lady -- a modern career woman, no less -- who required me to make all of our reservations for dinner and other social occasions. Why? Because I was the man, and her parents had raised her to believe a gentleman handled all such details for his lady. (She and I would always make a mutual decision on where to go and what to do, but actually executing it was my job.)

The nastiness and intolerance on display here says a lot more about Anonymous and the unpleasant commenters than it does about the couple.
Posted by tensor on February 2, 2013 at 4:49 PM · Report this
38
@37: the situation you described is so clearly not what is happening here.
Posted by jack chandelier on February 3, 2013 at 8:37 AM · Report this
39
I offer no defense for the cloying nuzzling, since I was raised that that kind of behavior, in public, was not done. As for having the male give the order, whether it be for food or drink, it's partly generational and partly geographic. I watched my parents do it that way - Dad always ordered for Mom even if we were in a truck stop.

My man was raised in the deep south. He does the same thing. It's a politeness thing as well as a seriously old fashioned role definition thing. We're ancient, so you have my permission to ignore us, but that's our pattern.

And yes, he also happens to be my master. It floats our collective boat. =)
Posted by HappyLeftist on February 3, 2013 at 2:28 PM · Report this
40
I, Anon is a pathetic douche bag living a pathetic life of a pathetic barista with a degree in English Lit.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on February 3, 2013 at 7:14 PM · Report this
ALWAYS Clear Your Cache!!! 41
Ignore her. Talk to him. Move on.
Posted by ALWAYS Clear Your Cache!!! on February 4, 2013 at 6:55 AM · Report this
42
Good god does this fill me with empathy! I can feel the blood boiling in Anon's veins the same way mine does when I see this sort of behavior. In the service industry there are oodles of stereotypes (on both sides) but for anyone that has had to deal with this kind of inane and immature behavior it must be said that its one of the worst. Nothing compares to the cute cuddly couples getting coffee holding up the line. Hurry please, because the single folk behind you. who havent had their caffeine yet are now filling their tanks with pure, rich, and steamy ire for you and yours.
Posted by WallaceV on February 4, 2013 at 9:36 AM · Report this
43
Treehugger should just go hug a fucking tree
Posted by JimmyCap on February 4, 2013 at 11:32 AM · Report this
mtnlion 44
@34, "It doesn't matter if their behavior is acceptable or not to the order taker."

If that's your attitude towards life and existing around other people, I assume you are insufferable to be around.
Posted by mtnlion http://radicalish.wordpress.com on February 4, 2013 at 5:43 PM · Report this
mtnlion 45
@33/34, also, nobody asked for your suggestions. You think we should all just accept the annoying, obnoxious, shitty ways that people act around us, because heywhatcanyado?

Bullshit. Some people act in ways that are ridiculous. And we should say something about it, or else people will think it's just fine to behave a certain way, and before you know it we're a bunch of moronic assholes who can't read social cues or understand public boundaries. We're already on our way there; don't make it worse by encouraging us to "just deal with" the fact that people sometimes act like idiots. Also, venting is good for your soul and blood pressure.
Posted by mtnlion http://radicalish.wordpress.com on February 4, 2013 at 5:55 PM · Report this
46
Oh get over yourselves. Those people are fucking annoying, and we should all make fun of them while drinking MALT LIQUOR and snorting PILES OF COCAINE.
Posted by Caralain on February 5, 2013 at 6:10 AM · Report this
47
I'd give a year off my life to have that kind of all encompassing love again for a week.
Posted by TheOtherWoman on February 5, 2013 at 7:05 PM · Report this
48
fuck with their minds. if she's going to pretend you don't exist, then pretend she doesn't exist, and flirt with the boyfriend (just smiles and ambiguous eye gestures and voice inflections. we don't want you lying and telling him he is anything but an insecure douchebag. and you don't want to give him your number). and repeat the order back to him for confirmation, but get it wrong so they have to keep repeating it.

seattle is the worst place in the world for insecure couples who have to show off how in love they are. you can't even walk down the sidewalk without getting clotheslined by couples holding hands walking down the street who decide to go off in different directions without letting go of each other, and expecting everyone else to walk 3 or 4 feet to get around their inconsiderate asses.
Posted by jussmbdy on February 13, 2013 at 11:10 PM · Report this

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