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I, Anonymous

Why Can't You Make Fucking Aioli?

Oh, you have worked in kitchens for five years and you have been a sous-chef in two "fine dining" restaurants? THEN WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE FUCKING AIOLI??? You are not "classically trained," and it is obvious that you don't even know what that means. You are not worth training unless you are humble, respect food, love cooking, and, yes, are humble again. There is nothing worse than an overconfident cook. I will take someone who doesn't know shit but has a good attitude over you any day. Fuck you, Seattle cook. You are not willing to put in the time and effort to be as good as you imagine you are. Learn how to season something before you throw micogreens and fennel pollen on everything.

—Anonymous

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Comments (31) RSS

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1
What kind of asshole needs those surrounding them to be humble (twice over), especially in order to deign to "train" them?

Seattle cook may be a bad chef and a bad person, but we all know who Anonymous outed as the truly deficient waste of space in this scenario.
Posted by Refined Pallet on March 6, 2013 at 9:11 AM · Report
2
Amen, Anon.
Posted by Just Another Opinon on March 6, 2013 at 12:23 PM · Report
3
Fennel pollen? Please explain. I will confess: I'm among those that don't know shit.
Posted by TBne on March 6, 2013 at 1:19 PM · Report
4
Someone's getting an extra serving of snot rocket.
Posted by Cletus on March 6, 2013 at 2:22 PM · Report
5
I just buy the alfredo sauce in a jar. No one complains.
Posted by drinkup on March 6, 2013 at 2:34 PM · Report
6
Fennel pollen is best smoked. As in inhaled from a pipe, not as in "smoked sea salt," whatever the hell that is.
Posted by turtlemilk on March 6, 2013 at 2:42 PM · Report
7
You're more than welcome to stop eating their food if it displeases your palette.
Posted by treehugger on March 6, 2013 at 3:10 PM · Report
Seattlebcc 8
I think ill save my money and benedryl and eat at home!
Posted by Seattlebcc on March 6, 2013 at 6:46 PM · Report
9
So the humble thing to do, then, is post anonymous complaints on the internet about how one's own knowledge of cookery, and of "classically trained" cookery in particular, is superior to that on display in local restaurants?
Posted by robotslave on March 6, 2013 at 7:31 PM · Report
10
@7 treehugger: You beat me to it for the win!
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 6, 2013 at 10:07 PM · Report
11
I think it's written by a coworker, not a customer
Posted by dond on March 6, 2013 at 10:31 PM · Report
Sea Otter 12
I used to be a cook. This I.A. may sound whiny to those unfamiliar with the restaurant industry, but believe me when I say that it's a completely fair assessment of what a certain type of young aspiring chef is like. Outsized egos, reliance on fancy ingredients, and a risible lack of basic cooking skills...Yup, sounds just like some of my coworkers. The chef I apprenticed with complained about this type all the time too. (Not that all my coworkers were like that though! There were plenty of honest, hardworking, humble ones who knew how to cook really tasty food, and those people are fucking royalty and live in my heart forever.)
Posted by Sea Otter on March 7, 2013 at 2:59 AM · Report
Looking For a Better Read 13
@3 - well then apparently you have quite a future in food prep! Go forth and conquer (but remember to remain humble).
Posted by Looking For a Better Read on March 7, 2013 at 12:20 PM · Report
14
@12 Sea Otter: IA didn't sound whiny to me, either. Actually, I see both your point as well as treehugger's (@7).
There are some incredible chefs whose cuisine is truly to die for. Working in the restaurant business is indeed, a hard, stressful job! Kudos to you and others for doing it well.
Nobody should have to eat--or pay for---bad, over-spiced, under-cooked, and inedible slop conjured up by someone whose arrogance overrides his or her extreme lack of basic cooking skills. I think this is what @7 meant.
It's after the fact, doesn't matter now, and I have no idea who the chef was who prepared my order way back then, but I once had an abysmal New York steak like this, and haven't gone back to that restaurant since.
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 7, 2013 at 11:41 PM · Report
15
12 fucking nailed it. And sadly, that type is starting to outnumber real cooks in the restaurant industry. And, again sadly, the problem is particularly prevalent in Seattle. Probably because most of the truly talented aspiring chefs end up leaving for NYC, SF, Vegas, etc. The wage scale in this town for cooks SUCKS compared to other similarly-sized cities, so you have to be a sucker who's willing to work your ass off for peanuts just because you'd rather be poor in the PNW than killing it anywhere else. I know, because I'm one of those suckers.
Posted by Rip City Hustle on March 8, 2013 at 9:47 AM · Report
16
Well said Anon. I feel your pain.

Alot of folks get into cooking now adays for all of the wrong reasons. They see it on TV and they all want to be rock stars. They see all of the sexy stuff happening at Bouchon or Alinea and they want to do that instead of focusing on the basics.

Whats that? You made a sous vide omelet?

Cool story bro.

I dont need an omelet though.

I need you to make a beurre blanc. I need you to break down this side of lamb...and I need you to do it consistently.

If you dont know; I NEED YOU TO ASK ME HOW TO DO IT, instead of winging it and deciding that you know better than anyone else does...especially people that have a 10 year head start on you.
Posted by SaucedDoc on March 8, 2013 at 12:39 PM · Report
17
Well said Anon. I feel your pain.

Alot of folks get into cooking now adays for all of the wrong reasons. They see it on TV and they all want to be rock stars. They see all of the sexy stuff happening at Bouchon or Alinea and they want to do that instead of focusing on the basics.

Whats that? You made a sous vide omelet?

Cool story bro.

I dont need an omelet though.

I need you to make a beurre blanc. I need you to break down this side of lamb...and I need you to do it consistently.

If you dont know; I NEED YOU TO ASK ME HOW TO DO IT, instead of winging it and deciding that you know better than anyone else does...especially people that have a 10 year head start on you.
Posted by SaucedDoc on March 8, 2013 at 12:51 PM · Report
18
Old saying: "When the cat's blind, the mice bark." Chef, this dude's talking to youuuuuuuuuuuuu.
Posted by Paddy Mac on March 8, 2013 at 4:10 PM · Report
OutInBumF 19
Amen, Anon. I'm also growing weary of trendy new places serving concoctions of god-knows-what for high prices, all in the name of Trendy. Sometimes a steak is just a steak- no need to be 'smothered in smoked fennel cous cous ala bloated ego', thanks.
Posted by OutInBumF on March 8, 2013 at 4:13 PM · Report
20
I used to have a cool Fennel shirt. But it was wool and when I washed it it shrunk. Now my little brother owns a cool fennel shirt.
Posted by Arturo Bandini on March 8, 2013 at 5:18 PM · Report
21
All these ridiculous cooking shows have made EVERYONE think they're a 'foodie' and have some idea of what they fuck they're talking about. I could NOT go out to eat with the ex without him analyzing every fucking bite..."You know, this could use some Mediterranean smoked piper cub exhaust with just a dash of orangutan jizz, imported from Malaysia...". And having worked kitchens with chefs that had more ego than talent, I know EXACTLY what anon is talking about.
Posted by cattycat on March 8, 2013 at 7:25 PM · Report
22
Oh, and allow my arrogant spelling/grammar nazi self correct the following: 'palate' (palette is something you use in painting, or a colour scheme), and alfredo and aioli are completely different. Aioli is basically garlic mayonnaise. Alfredo is easy to make, though. Butter, a little garlic, cream, boiled gently to reduce, hit it with Parmesan shreds, mix with hot pasta...
Posted by cattycat on March 8, 2013 at 7:28 PM · Report
23
@22: STOP it! You're making me hungry!
Posted by auntie grizelda on March 8, 2013 at 11:17 PM · Report
24
The letter writer has also described half the bicyclists in Seattle.
Posted by Unbrainwashed on March 9, 2013 at 12:11 AM · Report
25
The letter writer has also described half the bicyclists in Seattle.Most of whom are also food snobs who work in trendy restaurants for shit wages. My secret ingredient is genuine Columbia COCAINE and some good old fashioned MALT LIQUOR.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on March 9, 2013 at 11:01 AM · Report
26
@Anon, yes, a little humility goes a long way.

@22, Aioli is garlic mayonnaise, but it's also one of the best pasta sauces of all time. Olive oil, red pepper flakes, capers, and an assload of garlic, toss on pasta and add plenty of freshly grated parmesan. Nummity num.

Posted by portland scribe on March 11, 2013 at 1:13 AM · Report
27
True cooking mastery comes with the simple repetition of the basics to the point where it becomes a part of you. Greatness doesn't come with the ability to correctly season a steak with salt and pepper and cook to the correct temperature just four or five times, but rather a THOUSAND TIMES. This goes for every basic cooking skill in the kitchen from julienning peppers to prepping simple risotto. This requires humility and the patience to work through the "mundane" tasks in the kitchen to gain consistency. It is this consistency that is the halmark of a good chef. To be a GREAT chef, one must start with this base and this base only, and ten explore coking with the more refined ingredients to explore a wider variety of flavors with the discipline necessary to do them justice.

One must do this under the guidance of someone far better than them to understand and accept the criticism necessary for their own professional evolution. This requires humility and discipline...something severely lacking in the Seattle food scene.
Posted by worldcitizen on March 11, 2013 at 10:52 AM · Report
28
How fortunate we are that all of these seasoned, knowledgeable, and 'humble' gourmands have gathered together on one anonymous comment board on the internet to better pass judgment on other anonymous people who may or may not actually be cooks, foodies, etc. I have learned so much from you all that I never would've learned from reading six pages of an Anthony Bourdain book or watching the first thirty minutes of Ratatouille.

@26 - the dish you described is literally the ingredients of aioli minus the egg, with capers and red pepper added. So why bother with aioli at all?
Posted by johnjjeeves on March 11, 2013 at 12:47 PM · Report
29
omg,, I know.. it's like having twelve recycle bins and still mixing #2 and #6 plastics.
Posted by teater on March 11, 2013 at 6:25 PM · Report
Mo 30
Listen, chef dick; Aioli should fuck you in the ass, make you humble.
Posted by Mo on March 12, 2013 at 7:00 PM · Report
31
Funny the comments here re: cooking and foodies. I am a tattooer and believe me, it's the same thing- all these retarded tv shows on tattoos has made everyone an expert or become a tatter. Rock star, money, pussy? Hell yeah.
And girls that tattoo? Oh, man- even better gimmick.

At least with a bad meal, you can vomit it up and vow to never return, but those bad shitty tattoos? You're screwed.

Mmmm, aioli!
Posted by aeros66 on March 20, 2013 at 10:57 AM · Report

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