I, Anonymous

I Tried to Laugh Off the Burning

I’m going to call you Iowa, but you know who you are. What you don’t know is how to grow up. I thought I might unearth some hint of humanity in you if I sat with you for morning coffees in the office kitchen, or invited you to shoot pool after work, or kept my mouth shut about your weakass George Michael facial hair. I didn’t. Then you went and ruined my going-away party with the old hot-sauce-in-the-Jell-O-shot shtick, and I realized you were irredeemably 14 years old. I tried to laugh off the burning, but on the on the inside—my literal insides—I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital. So here’s some news, Iowa: (1) Fuck you; (2) Yeah, that is a drinking problem; and (3) Good luck finding anyone else at work who is as good at pretending to like you as I was.


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Comments (23) RSS

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lolorhone 1
A practical definition for "douchebag": one who cannot differentiate between pulling an appropriate prank and being a childish asshole.
Posted by lolorhone on April 10, 2013 at 10:55 AM · Report this
That was an asshole move. But it is much more fun to mock the anonymous of the week. I have nothing. Anyone?
Posted by Cletus on April 10, 2013 at 11:32 AM · Report this
This IA sounds like a self-esteem project, at best. George Michaels is definitely a DB but then why's IA hangin out with him? A DB hanger-onner can be worse than DB hanger-onnee.
Posted by jenc01 on April 10, 2013 at 11:32 AM · Report this
Looking For a Better Read 4
I, Anonymous is abbreviated IA. The postal code for Iowa is IA.

Posted by Looking For a Better Read on April 10, 2013 at 4:22 PM · Report this
The solution is obvious - I Anonymous, you need to learn to swallow. Swallowing makes for flowwery heartfelt happier endings. So swallow, swallow, swollow, and swallow dammit. Swallowing turns the world around. Have a fine and dandy swallowing spring Seattle day everyone!!!
Posted by World Be Frenchy on April 10, 2013 at 4:44 PM · Report this
Sounds like you're going away anyway. Why are you giving this nobody even a second more of your time?
Posted by treehugger on April 10, 2013 at 4:57 PM · Report this
debug 7
Is it possible he picked up on your condescending feelings toward him over time and decided to give you the hot-sauce trick as a FU?
Posted by debug on April 10, 2013 at 5:50 PM · Report this
The hospital for hot sauce? Seriously?
Posted by EarnYoKeep on April 10, 2013 at 6:01 PM · Report this
Anyone else think this was gonna be an "I, Anon" from Joan of Arc?
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 10, 2013 at 6:05 PM · Report this
Iowa is a friend of mine, and yes he is a bit of an ass but it's part of his charm. And yeah he fucked with you but at least he did it to your face rather than over an anonymous post. Besides you shouldn't act like your "friendship" with Iowa was a one way street when you have spent quite a few nights, new years included, with me, Iowa, and all our friends. Learn to take a joke you passive aggressive ass.
Posted by sdot on April 10, 2013 at 8:19 PM · Report this
Tricking someone into drinking hot sauce is about as funny as tricking someone into macing themselves.. . you have to be an a**hole to appreciate it. It sounds like Iowa and Iowa's friends are a**holes. Now you know.
Posted by mostsociallymaladjustedpeopletravelinpacks on April 10, 2013 at 11:55 PM · Report this
You sound like a two-faced coward for maintaining this false friendship with your co-worker. You probably deserved to drink hot sauce.
Posted by display name on April 11, 2013 at 8:04 AM · Report this
Lighten up, Francis.
Posted by bkski on April 11, 2013 at 8:41 AM · Report this
I'll bet the I, Anon is a real blast at parties. Or maybe she's just another up tight douche bag.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on April 11, 2013 at 8:59 AM · Report this
15 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
I was hoping this would be about venereal disease.
Posted by thy name here on April 11, 2013 at 5:58 PM · Report this
Ballard Pimp 17
IA, you worked with George Michael? But I thought he had retired to Moldova!
Posted by Ballard Pimp on April 12, 2013 at 9:03 AM · Report this
Who serves jello at a party?
Posted by bakatya on April 13, 2013 at 9:22 AM · Report this
C'mon 18 posts?

Perhaps Iowa meant for you to consume COCAINE (hot sauce) in your MALT LIQUOR (Jello Shot).

You're welcome.
Posted by Ram Punchington on April 13, 2013 at 3:01 PM · Report this
@ 10: Last time I checked, being an ass and charm are two very different things. I'm fairly certain they cannot coexist, like McCarthy and Commies.

While, in general, I find the type of people who attempt to find the good in everyone tedious, I can't fault them for their efforts. Good for IA for trying.

But still, don't beat a dead horse. At some point, you just become a frickin moron for not realizing that this guy is an ass who has neither intention nor desire to be a better person. Not your problem. Cut your losses and move on to a friendship with a person who doesn't suck.
Posted by twiggn on April 14, 2013 at 12:29 PM · Report this
Texas10R 21
@ 10
Lucky Iowa. This "charming" asshole could have been arrested for battery. What a schmuck.
Posted by Texas10R on April 14, 2013 at 7:58 PM · Report this
Foghorn Leghorn 22
All the I, Anon's are way more interesting if you imagine them in a schizo, Tyler Durden way.
Posted by Foghorn Leghorn on April 15, 2013 at 8:41 AM · Report this
You're calling someone juvenile because he ruined your... Jell-O shots? Surely you jest, please?
Posted by giacomojoyce on April 17, 2013 at 3:00 AM · Report this

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