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I, Anonymous

Registered Text Offender

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Steven Weissman

There is a name for your type: psychological vampire. You suck the lifeblood out of all those around you until you get your way. You never even ask how the fuck I'm doing. You're like a drug that is eating away at my soul. Want to fix this shit? Here's a place to start: Stop texting so fucking much. You abuse the incredible luxury that is text messaging with your incessant and aggressive texts. My phone vibrates dozens of times per day, the majority on account of you. I'm to the point now where I have anxiety just thinking about how my phone might vibrate. You text far more than is necessary for any normal interaction for which the text was devised. It is madness. Don't you have anything else to do with your life than sit around texting? Stop your incessant puerile texting, you dumb fuck!

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

Comments (45) RSS

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thatsnotright 1
You can block numbers, you know. Anon. Stop being so passive aggressive.
Posted by thatsnotright on May 1, 2013 at 9:48 AM · Report this
2
Jesus, what a whiner. Take charge of your life.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 1, 2013 at 10:13 AM · Report this
Spiffy D 3
My favorite part is the anxiety about your own phone, right before the criticism of someone else's "normal interaction."

The good news is that when your paranoia causes you to freak out, your phone will be easy to murder.
Posted by Spiffy D on May 1, 2013 at 10:19 AM · Report this
4
what a fucking pussy..why don't you clean the sand out of your vagina and turn off your fucking phone you pussy.
Posted by esp on May 1, 2013 at 10:23 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 5
Block the number, stop replying and then tell this person to fuck off. Why can't you take control of your life?

Posted by Theodore Gorath on May 1, 2013 at 11:04 AM · Report this
6
Wow, really? This is your biggest problem in life? Some narcissistic asshole texts you too much?

WAH!

Go develop a heroin habit or something- get some real problems, because that isn't a problem, that's just annoying. Much like you.

This might sound like a crazy idea, but have you tried telling this person TO THEIR FACE to stop texting you so much? Seriously, you Pacific Northwesterners and your passive aggression. How WOULD you survive without it?
Posted by twiggn on May 1, 2013 at 11:10 AM · Report this
7
Seriously, you Pacific Northwesterners and your passive aggression. How WOULD you survive without it?
Go the fuck back to California or New York or whatever shithole you escaped from.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 1, 2013 at 12:28 PM · Report this
8
I live in Seattle, douche
Posted by twiggn on May 1, 2013 at 1:01 PM · Report this
Simple 9
Why does heroin get such a bad rap?
Posted by Simple on May 1, 2013 at 3:08 PM · Report this
10
I live in Seattle, douche...
And apperently you came from somewhere else (and suffer from reading comprehension). To quote:
you Pacific Northwesterners and your passive aggression. How WOULD you survive without it?
Some again, go the fuck back to California or New York or whatever shithole you escaped from. "Douche".
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 1, 2013 at 4:03 PM · Report this
11
Could be that this person can't block them because there are extenuating circumstances e.g. there might be kids involved.
Posted by flyn on May 1, 2013 at 4:34 PM · Report this
lolorhone 12
Everyone in this thread is fucking touchy...
Posted by lolorhone on May 1, 2013 at 11:22 PM · Report this
JustSayGo 13
This IA is pathetic. And yes, people in Seattle are a bunch of passive-agressive, self absorbed, ridiculously self righteous douche nozzles. Last nights bullshit is a perfect example...

I bet if someone with an Ak-47 jumped out of the crowd last night and shot some of those protesters, they'd be crying to the police for justice instead of abusing them and destroying their own city ... Assholes...
Posted by JustSayGo on May 2, 2013 at 8:38 AM · Report this
14
Could be that this person can't block them because there are extenuating circumstances e.g. there might be kids involved.
Probably not, the "text abuser" doesn't sound like a present / ex Significant Other.

By the way "twiggn", a review of your post history indecates a high probability that you are a 20-something "douche" (as you like to say) who likes the "skinny jeans" and masturbates in front of a full length mirror.

Go back to LA or whatever cesspool you crawled out of, your kind is a blight on the Pacific Northwest.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 2, 2013 at 8:38 AM · Report this
growler 15
@12 - yeah, get out of the way of my I, Anon bashing!! I take great pride in hating on each and every I,Anon regardless of topic.

I FIND A WAY TO BASH!

I have no time for jokes or anecdotes or even relating to the Anon in any way! As a commenter, it's my job to immediately bash and hate and just be a negative black hole on the internet.

Posted by growler on May 2, 2013 at 10:08 AM · Report this
16
@15 You sound a lot like today's I, Anon... Just another whiny bitch who has to express her passive-aggressive hate behind the anonymity of The Stranger.

Pathetic.

Or as one of the "douche bags" above said, you're just another DOUCHE.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 2, 2013 at 12:46 PM · Report this
lolorhone 17
@15: Uh, I didn't bash I, Anon at all. I just noted everyone in this thread bashing each other. If I had called you a douche I might understand the rant, but seeing as how I didn't... WTF?
Posted by lolorhone on May 2, 2013 at 1:36 PM · Report this
18
Jesus, Lolorhone, why such a douche?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 2, 2013 at 1:49 PM · Report this
19
Arthur Zifferelli,
As a regular reader and very rare commentor on The Stranger articles,allow me to ask you a few questions.

How old are you? I cannot imagine anyone over the age of 18 engaging in the same, tired bicker-fests that you constantly start with other posters. Day after day.

Why do you clog up every I,Anon with your mean-spirited, silly drivel?

I am sure you will come back with some witty (in your mind only) retort. You exhibit bully/stalker tendencies. Worst yet, it is online, not face to face. How cowardly.

There is usually at least one regular brave-only-when-behind-a-keyboard sad fool in every online forum with a comment section. You are that person for I, Anon. Congrats!
Posted by Fo Sho on May 2, 2013 at 2:03 PM · Report this
20
The internet: a place where everybody vents the hostility they're too afraid to work through in therapy.
Posted by aaaaaaaaaaaaaa on May 2, 2013 at 2:17 PM · Report this
debug 21
LOL, this week seems to be the Great I Anon Douche Off.

Who is the douchiest? The Anon, the Vampire friend, or any one of the commenters?

I guess I'll throw my hat in the ring for shits and giggles.

signed, S. E. Massengill
Posted by debug on May 2, 2013 at 2:33 PM · Report this
lolorhone 22
I hope you're joking, Zifferelli. 'Cause I'm not even trying to debate shit with anyone, let alone get into a pointless back-and-forth.
Posted by lolorhone on May 2, 2013 at 3:52 PM · Report this
23
Swear to god I've seen the real life version of the cartoon creepin on cap hill
Posted by EarnYoKeep on May 2, 2013 at 4:36 PM · Report this
24
What's with all the bold italics? Is it the new way all you Twitter Twaddler roll now?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 2, 2013 at 5:25 PM · Report this
growler 25
@17 ugh....sarcasm is what I did there. Every single week this comment section is blasted immediately with people bashing the I,Anon. Every. Single. Week.

@Arthur Zif - same as above. Totally whiffed, man.

Ahem, (using NO sarcasm) to the same bunch of A-holes who bash the I,Anon every single week just to be a hateful prick.....

IT'S BORING. At least think of something funny to post. Anything. Lighten up!
Posted by growler on May 2, 2013 at 7:31 PM · Report this
26
I'm a douche, and I'm damn tired of being stigmatized.
Posted by turtlemilk on May 2, 2013 at 8:07 PM · Report this
lolorhone 27
@17: I knew it was sarcasm but it seemed like it was directed at me. I agree that I, Anon has some of the most outlandishly judgmental commentators. All I was saying was that I'm not one of them.
Posted by lolorhone on May 2, 2013 at 8:41 PM · Report this
28
Anonymous isn't responsible for this person's shitty behavior. The texter is clearly oblivious to basic social cues, and its no one's responsibility to spell things out for them. Unless Anon IS responding to them, in which case, stop. Immediately. You're only encouraging them.
Posted by uhhmmm on May 2, 2013 at 11:37 PM · Report this
doloresdaphne 29
@19. Like his commentary or not Arthur Ziffrelli is an institution within I anon. I, like many others, am a sucker for repetition, and I get a little down if an I Anon has no reference to COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR.

(I don't even know why - cause it means nothing. It just presses on my "haha wtf" button I guess).
Posted by doloresdaphne on May 3, 2013 at 3:25 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 30


Let's see if this fixes our little problem here...
Posted by Theodore Gorath on May 3, 2013 at 5:48 AM · Report this
31
I dont understand as a habitual over texter myself i get that some people dont
Want that sort of offhanded communicstion that i enjoy
But
If the texter is "like a drug eating away at my soul" then isnt the receiver addicted to the attention? So wtf's the problem.
Posted by grace on May 3, 2013 at 10:51 AM · Report this
32
@31 The "I, Anon" is addicted to bitching, moaning, and complaining for attention. The "i, Anon" is a totally passive aggressive attention seeker that would be just as happy and fulfilled complaining about how she purchased a Smart Phone, and nobody wants to interact with her.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 3, 2013 at 1:02 PM · Report this
33
Thank you zifferelli. Agreed.
Posted by grace on May 3, 2013 at 2:51 PM · Report this
34
You're allowed to not answer people's texts, you know. You can also try telling them this to their face instead of hiding behind text yourself, much less text they're not likely to read anyway.
Posted by treehugger on May 3, 2013 at 3:02 PM · Report this
35
@8: If you hate it here, then pack your sad ass up and LEAVE.
Posted by treehugger on May 3, 2013 at 3:04 PM · Report this
Cascadian Bacon 36
@6/8

Get the fuck out!

I am tired of The Northwest getting all douched up with asshats from The Least Coast/Failifornia.
Posted by Cascadian Bacon on May 3, 2013 at 8:54 PM · Report this
37
Italicize this!
Posted by MacGruber on May 4, 2013 at 12:25 AM · Report this
38
Drive a stake through the heart of your cellphone.
Posted by Crash on May 4, 2013 at 10:36 AM · Report this
39
Nobody over the age of 12 complains about anything eating away at their soul. Brain, yes. Liver, certainly. Pubic region, I pray tell.

[Sent from my iPhone.]
Posted by Paddy Mac on May 4, 2013 at 1:41 PM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 40


I just cleaned up this fucking mess. Close your tags, ya dickbags.
Posted by Theodore Gorath on May 6, 2013 at 9:31 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 41


Dammit, it was underlined too? Christ.

Posted by Theodore Gorath on May 6, 2013 at 9:32 AM · Report this
42
I've fallen asleep.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on May 6, 2013 at 2:34 PM · Report this
43
you can turn your phone off. You can turn it to vibrate. You can put it in flight mode. You can just stop returning their texts the minute they come in. That's usually enough to get someone to stop.
Posted by MinnySota on May 7, 2013 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Canadian Nurse 44

Stop being a formatting jerk.
Posted by Canadian Nurse on May 8, 2013 at 11:12 AM · Report this
undead ayn rand 45
@10: The main constant with people who whine about "THE SEATTLE FREEZE" is that they're passive-aggressive themselves, I've encountered just as many natives as transplants who complain about passive-aggressives here. I honestly don't think the east coast is any better, from having spent the majority of my life there.
Posted by undead ayn rand on May 8, 2013 at 9:03 PM · Report this

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