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I, Anonymous

Did You Say "Pussy"?

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STEVEN WEISSMAN

Thank you for a moment of cognitive dissonance. I once heard a jazz musician explain in an interview why he liked to play abrupt dissonances in the middle of tender ballads: It was his way of setting a bright-orange billboard against a blue sky. It felt like that while you and I were messing around in that dark cubby in that sex club, with my hands all over your nice big furry chest, and my tongue finding your left nipple, when you whispered, "You're making my pussy wet." Not a shock, really, just "Huh?" And then you pulled my hand down behind your balls (nice balls, too!), where my fingers felt an unexpected little valley, a small, perfectly aligned slot. And then you said you were nervous and pulled up your pants, and I gave you a quick kiss on the lips, and we both smiled, and we separated.

For a full day, I've been trying to think of the right label. Are you an FTM with a very convincing dick? A hermaphrodite? I have never touched a pussy, so I don't know what a pussy is supposed to feel like. But I realize it doesn't matter. I've come across guys before in sex clubs (literally) with unexpected body forms—missing fingers, green hair. They don't need labels. They are awesome being exactly who they are. That's how it goes in an anonymous sex club. Each guy is unique, and so is each experience. Thanks for an interesting one.

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

Comments (24) RSS

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devinderry 1
awwww...
Posted by devinderry on June 19, 2013 at 9:40 AM · Report this
2
"It's what I have to work with." -- Hedwig
Posted by twinkie223 on June 19, 2013 at 10:28 AM · Report this
Pope Peabrain 3
Waiter! I ordered steak! You brought me fish!!!
Posted by Pope Peabrain on June 19, 2013 at 11:44 AM · Report this
Dougsf 4
I don't mean to imply an ounce of charity when I say this is sweet letter.
Posted by Dougsf on June 19, 2013 at 12:22 PM · Report this
5 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy
debug 6
As a straight man I feel a little left out at never once receiving commentary positive or negative on my balls.
Posted by debug on June 19, 2013 at 1:53 PM · Report this
7
@2 LOVE that movie, wish someone would do the show somewhere nearish to me.
Posted by KateRose on June 19, 2013 at 1:53 PM · Report this
Hawke 8
@6 Well, bring your balls to me and I am sure I can find something positive about them. It would require an oral inspection.
Posted by Hawke http://facebook.com/thehawke on June 19, 2013 at 2:48 PM · Report this
SeaNative07 9
Some guys have all the fun, some guys do nothing but complain...
Posted by SeaNative07 on June 20, 2013 at 12:37 AM · Report this
Theodore Gorath 10
Is it just me, or does anyone else wish there was an option to read banned comments?

I mean, reading some of the stuff they allow makes me really wonder what is so bad even The Stranger feels it must be pulled.
Posted by Theodore Gorath on June 20, 2013 at 8:08 AM · Report this
11
"Sex club"? Good grief.

And seriously, this is just porn.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 20, 2013 at 8:34 AM · Report this
12
@11: I really, really don't need to know what gets you off. Seriously.
Posted by treehugger on June 20, 2013 at 9:15 AM · Report this
13
I really, really don't need to know what gets you off. Seriously.
So, you're saying that stream-of-conciousness prose about sweatly ball handling in some "sex club" is just, you know, coffee shop conversation?

And no, it doesn't "get me off".
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 21, 2013 at 8:06 AM · Report this
14
This is so incredibly sweet! Anon is a lucky person. (I just can't fathom the part where you didn't ask for contact info, but that's just where I would be coming from.) How rare to read an anon not written by a total dipshit- this is easily one of the best in the past year or two. xo
Posted by sweet g on June 21, 2013 at 9:58 AM · Report this
15
Yes, that's right, Sweet G, picking up random guys, whose name you don't remember, in a sex club, fondling their nut sack and than writing about it in The Stranger is perfectly normal and “incredibly sweet”...

Please enjoy your complimentary Sexually Transmitted Disease...
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 21, 2013 at 1:59 PM · Report this
16
And, I just want to say that if I could cup Justin Bieber's sweaty balls in a dark "sex club", my life would be complete.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 21, 2013 at 8:16 PM · Report this
17
But what about the vagina? Isn't anyone curious? I read through this whole thing to find an explanation and all there is are balls comments and jokes. C'mon people--explain!
Posted by crone on June 22, 2013 at 1:49 AM · Report this
18
What sex club? Where??
Posted by kbatku on June 22, 2013 at 3:52 PM · Report this
19
ick.
Posted by haroldlamont on June 23, 2013 at 2:08 PM · Report this
20 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
OutInBumF 21
@17- of course we're curious! But without further info??? What do you think?
Posted by OutInBumF on June 23, 2013 at 9:58 PM · Report this
22
@18, JCPenney's, in any of the "occupied" dressing rooms. Ask one the store personnel for the secret knock. Be extra-explicit when asking or they won't think you're ready.
Posted by MacGruber on June 24, 2013 at 9:05 PM · Report this
23
@18, JCPenney's, in any of the "occupied" dressing rooms.
It's true. I like to masturbate in the dressing room for the benifit of the security team. I usually shoot my hot load all over the mirror, let it dribble down on to the carpet, and just leave it for the next "customer".
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 26, 2013 at 8:40 AM · Report this
24
Really?...... at JCPenny's. Damn it! I was gonna start shopping there for really awesome clothes because where else can one buy great clothes with out having to worry about whether the mirrors are cum riddled or not and that the security guards are visually pleased. Shit that ruins that idea. Good clothes there too .... now what.?
Posted by mammothpro on June 27, 2013 at 8:46 AM · Report this

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