Columns

I, Anonymous

You're Too Good for Me, Baby

I fell into excitement with you. I said I wanted to marry you, and then seized by panic, I dashed. I did this same shit for a very long time, until you finally let me go and stopped allowing me back. We sat next to each other on a bus recently, unexpectedly. Your courtesy might have been a cover for hurt or anger you still felt, or maybe you were far past it. For my part, I feel deeply sorry for what I did to you. I wish I could repair it. But you seem to lead a happier life without me.

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

Comments (24) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
I should start riding the bus more. So many things happen on buses.
Posted by GGuy on February 12, 2014 at 9:20 AM · Report this
2
This could be the great opening scene to a ball gag kink porno. Bravo!
Posted by KinksterFromBallard on February 12, 2014 at 9:22 AM · Report this
AmyC 3
Oh, god, that illustration. Brilliant.
Posted by AmyC on February 12, 2014 at 9:58 AM · Report this
danewood 4
You need to get your shit together, Anonymous.
Posted by danewood on February 12, 2014 at 11:08 AM · Report this
Godzilla1916 5
Good for her, him? Either way your a foot note now wanker.
Posted by Godzilla1916 on February 12, 2014 at 1:09 PM · Report this
6
Steven Weissman says, "IA, you are a piece of shit!"
Posted by meb on February 12, 2014 at 3:39 PM · Report this
yucca flower 7
What are the odds are Anon's ex didn't actually recognize them and just thought Anon was some rando creeper hitting on them on the bus? Has anyone else been hit on by an ex they didn't recognize because they aged really poorly? Because that kind of happened to me.
Posted by yucca flower on February 12, 2014 at 8:33 PM · Report this
8
The I'Anon is a narcissist. Think of me. Listen to my story and feel sorry for me. Forget about my - associations - THINK ABOUT ME.

Seriously, I'Anon, commit suicide, or get your shit together.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on February 12, 2014 at 8:59 PM · Report this
9
I can't believe I actually agree with Arthur Zifferelli! I'Anon, learn the difference between lust and love. Don't propose until the thought of spending a life together with a particular person sounds like a good idea even when you're someplace happy but apart.
Posted by Diagoras on February 12, 2014 at 10:46 PM · Report this
10
You need to get your shit together, #4
Posted by joemomma on February 13, 2014 at 12:30 AM · Report this
emor 11
I feel like I'm pretty sure this person is a friend of mine.
Posted by emor on February 13, 2014 at 6:47 AM · Report this
debug 12
The poo looks like it is standing in blood. Is he "sawwy" after he murdered the girl on the bus?
Posted by debug on February 13, 2014 at 9:55 AM · Report this
JustSayGo 13
What contrived drivel. All a manipulation to try to "do it to me one more time."

You just can't stand that they won't play the game with you anymore. They won't entertain you by falling into your trap again.

The cat stops pawing when the mouse stops twitching, then they walk a way... hoping the mouse is faking it and they they will be able to mount a fresh attack just when the mouse thinks it will be able to sneak away.

You are a true POS.
Posted by JustSayGo on February 13, 2014 at 11:19 AM · Report this
14
We sat next to each other on a bus recently, unexpectedly.

Welcome to Stalkerville, population, I Anon.
Posted by MacGruber on February 13, 2014 at 8:53 PM · Report this
15
@7 This happened to me. I stopped dating a girl cause she discovered how much she liked meth. A year later I didn't recognize her at first when I saw her at a party. Meth is bad, kids!
Posted by Hybrid Vigor on February 14, 2014 at 1:24 AM · Report this
16
@12 Sowwy is standing in a "shit shadow". This is a manipulation/situation control thing. It will go away, just like you, anon.
Posted by longwayhome on February 14, 2014 at 4:14 PM · Report this
17
Why can't people seem to not be sorry for things but still live in the moment? fuck, ive made mistakes.. no one wants to hear "I'm sorry" because it really doesn't do anything? Panic is never a good feeling tho..
Posted by droughtsville on February 15, 2014 at 9:06 AM · Report this
reverend dr dj riz 18
the rule. although it prolly sounds better on paper,never ever say 'i shoulda dated/married/fucked you but i was a turd...etc'. they knew you were a turd even when you didn't.you're only talking to yourself. suck it up and move on.
Posted by reverend dr dj riz on February 15, 2014 at 12:37 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 19
I love the apologies designed to benefit the feels of the apologizer, never the person who's better off without them and deserves to be left alone.
Posted by undead ayn rand on February 15, 2014 at 1:19 PM · Report this
Canadian Nurse 20
Anon's one positive is doing this as an anon instead of doing it directly, where it might cost the ex.
Posted by Canadian Nurse on February 15, 2014 at 2:19 PM · Report this
delirian 21
@8: You are a horrible person.
Posted by delirian on February 15, 2014 at 3:24 PM · Report this
Texas10R 22
@3
The illustration is, in my view, often the best element of this column.
Posted by Texas10R on February 15, 2014 at 6:24 PM · Report this
yucca flower 23
@ 15,

For me it was morbid obesity and hair loss and alcoholism. I've seen guys age into looking older than their dads practically overnight. Ironically the guys worst affected by this phenomenon are the ones who are super shallow and judgmental about other people's looks.
Posted by yucca flower on February 15, 2014 at 9:13 PM · Report this
24
If u really care about someone so much and u truly love them and u know it could wrk don't let go.. Sometime when people hurt they push the one thing they need away.. No one like to feel pain..
Posted by Noi on February 17, 2014 at 7:44 AM · Report this

Add a comment