Hey vegans: How about you spare us vegetarians your tireless rants about animal rights? NEWSFLASH, BITCHES: WE'RE ON YOUR SIDE. Just because we like a little Parmesan cheese on our fucking quinoa-and-flaxseed-tempeh sandwich doesn't mean we're the devil! I've never killed a cow to drink its milk, SO CHILL THE FUCK OUT. If I have to listen to one more friend tell me that I don't respect animal rights because I like to eat yogurt in the morning I will drag that pussy-ass vegan bitch to the slaughterhouse myself. Face it: Your furry-friend-loving ways are almost as fundamentalist as the jihadists. PETA borders on ecoterrorism. And most of all, the hippie movement is dead. DEAL WITH IT.