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I, Anonymous

My Dingo Ate Your Babies

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Steven Weissman

Okay, I get it. You are a horny couple who either can't wait to get home to get it on or (more likely) don't have a home of your own to get it on in, so you pull over in Interlaken Park to do the nasty, as if you were members of your grandparents' generation. And, having had your fun, you choose to dispose of the evidence out your car window onto the street. Guess what? I have a dog I walk past that spot every day, and for three days now, I've been tight-leashing him as we walk past your damn condom lying there. Well, yesterday he managed to surreptitiously snap it up. Ask me how I know, you disgusting copulators. What goes in must come out, and I pick up my dog's poop. Also, he had diarrhea for the rest of the day. I hate you both, and next time I see a car parked in that spot with steamed-up windows, I am going to introduce you to my dog, and then to the always-charming Seattle Police Department.

—Anonymous

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Comments (27) RSS

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Godzilla1916 1
You gotta get laid more IANON and stop hating on the love sick litterbugs.

HODOR!
Posted by Godzilla1916 on April 2, 2014 at 9:42 AM · Report this
2
At least they are using protection, IA.
Posted by twiggn on April 2, 2014 at 9:56 AM · Report this
3
Christ, have neither of you any sympathy for IA and his now spooge-breathed pup? Fuck! This one makes me crazy! Litterbugs are the worst, and this is the worst kind of garbage to chuck. IA, I will help you pound on their windows and interrupt their fun, hand them a bag and say "Pardon the coitus interruptus, but if you take your nasty used condoms with you when you leave, and I won't have to do this again. Otherwise, see you next time."
And BTW, what the fuck is wrong with dogs???
Posted by portland scribe on April 2, 2014 at 10:20 AM · Report this
4
Now that I've vented, may I say the headline is freaking brilliant.
Posted by portland scribe on April 2, 2014 at 10:21 AM · Report this
5
#4 You're right, the headline is better than the complaint.
Posted by Hoopty-Doo on April 2, 2014 at 10:30 AM · Report this
6
Likely a crack ho just makin some money- the CD is just a few blocks up the street after all - oh was that offensive?
Posted by woofy on April 2, 2014 at 12:49 PM · Report this
7
Can you get your pet tested for std's?

If so, I'd suggest you do, Anon.
Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 2, 2014 at 1:50 PM · Report this
8
BTW...I hope we someday see an "I, Anonymous" column titled "The Babies Ate My Dingo".

Posted by AlaskanbutnotSeanParnell on April 2, 2014 at 1:51 PM · Report this
9
Alaskan: I'd rather see a column titled, "The Dildos Ate My Baby!". Mwahahahahahaha.... that would be awesome sauce!
Posted by DrummerGrrl on April 2, 2014 at 3:08 PM · Report this
10
@3 (& @4) portland scribe: 3 for 3 this week alone! You are SO consecutively spot ON! Bravo!
This week's I, Anon headline truly is a winner.
Hmmmm.. how about "Castration Ate My Fetus Fanatics"?
Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaawwww!!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 2, 2014 at 11:25 PM · Report this
11
p.s. @3: Agreed! Your added BTW is one of many reasons why I'm more of a cat person, myself.
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 2, 2014 at 11:29 PM · Report this
12
Or how about this-five pounds of your dog's feces chucked through their window when they roll it down.
Posted by TheBadSeed131313 on April 2, 2014 at 11:32 PM · Report this
Seattlebcc 13
I suspect this weeks whinner was too busy wathching their iphone rather than watching their Bingo, especially if they knew what to expect and where to expect it!
Posted by Seattlebcc on April 3, 2014 at 4:21 AM · Report this
14
Seriously, I, Anon, you knew the spooge-filled party favor was likely to be there, and yet you walked right to it (probably to satisfy your own perverted desire to look at spooge-filled party favors) and *let* your leashed dog schnork it up? Maybe you should be paying more attention when you walk your spooge-loving dog?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on April 4, 2014 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Allyn 15
I am generally in favor of and fully support car-based nookie in semi-secluded areas. That said, eeeeewwwww. Put your fucking-condom in a real garbage.

But seriously, IA, you knew about the potential for splooge-filled latex in that spot - wth? Watch Pookie a little closer.

And do NOT let him lick your mouth EVER again.
Posted by Allyn on April 4, 2014 at 3:06 PM · Report this
seattlestew 16
First World Problems.
Posted by seattlestew on April 4, 2014 at 3:13 PM · Report this
17
@14. My dog is a mastermind at getting to cigarette butts no matter how vigilant I am. Please don't tell me you expect this person to change their walk for a couple of idiots. That's how we get Celebration, Florida. Ewwww.
Posted by the new danger on April 4, 2014 at 3:34 PM · Report this
Dougsf 18
A tenuous—at best—segue to people knocking up their dogs, but I've still totally got the Fall stuck in my head now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fagF6Pek…
Posted by Dougsf on April 4, 2014 at 3:36 PM · Report this
crap bag 19
Haha! Stupid dogs.
Posted by crap bag on April 4, 2014 at 3:40 PM · Report this
20
Welcome to living in the city. Welcome to owning a dog (that you clearly have no control over).
Posted by psychic, powerless... on April 4, 2014 at 4:23 PM · Report this
JonnoN 21
Classic I,Anon: both sides suck, and a hilarious headline!
Posted by JonnoN http://www.backnine.org/ on April 4, 2014 at 4:50 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 22
Yeah, if only that one condom hadn't been there, dogs could be walked without a care in the world, because there's never anything else disgusting that they'll try to eat.
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn http://youtu.be/zu-akdyxpUc on April 4, 2014 at 5:56 PM · Report this
23
Is it a Cocker Spaniel?
Posted by MacGruber on April 4, 2014 at 9:51 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 24
Calling the cops on gross people throwing condoms out in public, sure. Threatening to have your dog maul them, creepy.
Posted by undead ayn rand on April 6, 2014 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Bonefish 25
Fucking Seattlites and their dogs.

You know, if Rick Santorum turns out to be right about people eventually marrying their dogs, Seattle is where it'll start.
Posted by Bonefish http://5bmisc.blogspot.com/ on April 6, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
26
50-50 really. I mean, I know you can't always 100% control dogs, (despite what other non-dog owning people say about that), but wow, you also can't always control other people's coital interactions, either.

Glad I have never had a dog though.. That's nasty.

And I hope the dog's ok.
Posted by Chandira on April 10, 2014 at 4:06 PM · Report this
27
@26 Chandira: Agreed. Seriously, I'm with portland scribe @3, too----what IS it about dogs?
Posted by auntie grizelda on April 20, 2014 at 3:45 PM · Report this

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