I, Anonymous

Finders Keepers

I didn't need your money, and I'm hoping you didn't either. Did it fall out of your pocket? Were you on a bike and left your backpack open? Were you running from a drug deal gone bad? I really hope you're just a careless yuppie or, better yet, a drunk partyer "making it rain" out the sunroof of a rented limo. It couldn't have happened too long before I came along and spotted the rectangle of green that turned out to be a dollar. Once I found the first bill, my eye picked out the next and the next. The money was on both sides of the street, and even on the next block. Singles, tens, a couple twenties. I crammed them into my pocket. The people on the sidewalk and in the passing cars didn't seem to notice. No one even asked what I was doing walking around the middle of a busy avenue. Then a stranger crossing the street spoke to me, choosing me as the audience for a joke about how his friend was dragging him around. My mind, which had sort of turned off when I picked up the first bill, started up again. There was probably some money left, under cars or down the street, but I got on my bike and got out of there. You're probably someone who couldn't afford to lose that cash, and I'm an asshole who didn't wait around for even 10 minutes to see if you came back looking for it. To get rid of some of that bad karma, I'm giving the cash to YouthCare. Sorry you had a crappy night.


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Comments (23) RSS

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Who would you give it back to anyway? SNORE...

Go spend it on hookers and blow, that's probably where it was headed anyway.


The *REAL* question is, if you found a bank bag with a few G's and a clear mark of ownership, would you return it?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 3, 2014 at 7:15 PM · Report this
Posted by treehugger on June 3, 2014 at 7:19 PM · Report this
Don't say this often but I wish I were I, Anon.
Posted by meb on June 4, 2014 at 9:57 AM · Report this
AmyC 4
Back when I was broke-as-fuck, I drove up to the ATM to find $40 and a receipt sticking out of it. It was after hours on a Friday, which meant I had to wait all weekend with it burning a hole in my pocket before I could take it back to the bank and have the teller return it to the rightful owner. I REALLY could have used the money, but I figured if the owner was in a similar position as me, I couldn't bear to take it from them. When I returned it on Monday afternoon, the teller just looked at it, half-shrugged, and said, "Okay, thanks." I was disappointed that she didn't make a bigger deal of my generosity/lack of douchbaggery. lol.
Posted by AmyC on June 4, 2014 at 10:56 AM · Report this
Gern Blanston 5
I found a $20 bill on the floor of the Bartell Drugs in Magnolia not too long ago. I didn't see anyone looking around for it. I just figured some well-off retiree or rich little kid had dropped it. I may be stereotyping because it's Magnolia. Anyway, I pocketed the money and didn't feel too bad about it.
Posted by Gern Blanston on June 4, 2014 at 12:51 PM · Report this
Loose money is yours to keep. A wallet with I.D. is questionable, depending on the amount of money. The loser of a wallet or purse would probably be glad to have the I.D. back and forego the $. Personally if I lost my wallet I would forget the money and be glad to get my I.D. back.
Posted by longwayhome on June 4, 2014 at 8:09 PM · Report this
sissoucat 7
And this is why I, Anon will never become rich.

Because rich people have never needed an excuse to pocket other people's money. Even if it's still in their wallet, and that wallet still on their body.

Go ask the bankers.
Posted by sissoucat on June 5, 2014 at 3:09 AM · Report this
What? Did you shape the money into the form of a skull and stand in the middle of the street to deliver this snooze-fest of a soliloquy? Personally, I'd take Hamlet any day over this. Suicide! Sword-fights! Kenneth Brannagh if you want to watch his over-wrought version! This? You found cash. Next!
Posted by happy time on June 5, 2014 at 3:49 AM · Report this

A wallet with ID in it is not at all "questionable" to anyone who is not a complete sack of shit, regardless of how much money is in it. You leave it, or your return it, or you suck, period.
Posted by highside on June 5, 2014 at 10:19 AM · Report this
Money that fell out of someone's pocket that they were going to spend on COCAINE and MALT LIQUOR should be used to buy those things for yourself. That's what Jesus would say and why he brought you to those bills in the first place.
Posted by Pixelboy7734 on June 5, 2014 at 11:26 AM · Report this
I once found money in my ass. Still there.
Posted by parisimo on June 5, 2014 at 3:22 PM · Report this
@9 Excuuuuse Me!
Posted by longwayhome on June 5, 2014 at 8:10 PM · Report this
johnjacobjingleheimerschmidt 13
I do the right thing because I don't want to live with all the guilt/worry not because its right.
Posted by johnjacobjingleheimerschmidt on June 6, 2014 at 10:23 AM · Report this
mr. herriman 14
Sorry, @9, but @12 is right.
Posted by mr. herriman on June 6, 2014 at 12:54 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 15
Whoops, obviously that was supposed to be the other way around.
Posted by mr. herriman on June 6, 2014 at 12:55 PM · Report this
I once found money in my ass. Still there.
You're a male prostitute?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 6, 2014 at 7:31 PM · Report this
@9 How much cash do you carry around? $20.00? @40.00? You are the sack of shit. I would still forego the cash for my I.D. You must not have a lot of money, or be a republican to be so upset about someone taking your cash to return your I.D. Get your priorities straight, dude.
Posted by longwayhome on June 8, 2014 at 9:52 PM · Report this
So, Long Way, you have no problem lifting the cash out of a wallet that has the ID of the owner in it? Wow, what a dishonest sack of steaming shit you are.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 9, 2014 at 8:26 AM · Report this
O.K. Arthur. I'll amend my earlier post by saying that IF I found a wallet or purse with a substantial amount of money in it I would send it back to the owner minus the postage and my time to do the transaction. If it had $20 or $30 bucks in it I would still send it and keep the money. Is it worth $20 bucks to you to keep your personal I.D. intact? You have hurt my feelings again, Arthur. I thought that we had made our peace last week when I apologized to you for calling you out about ....something I can't remember. Anyway, a person loses a valuable item like a wallet or purse and an anonymous person finds it and returns the credit cards, the I.D. all but the $ it cost to return it. Why is that reason to call this person a dishonest sack of steaming shit? I'm disappointed that our relationship has deteriorated to this point. I though we had an understanding.
Posted by longwayhome on June 9, 2014 at 8:28 PM · Report this
... If it had $20 or $30 bucks in it I would still send it and keep the money...
You are lacking in morals and ethics.

If I've hurt your feelings by pointing out to you that you are no better than a thief, tough shit. It's the reality.

When you find an object where you can contact the owner, you let the owner pick it up, or send it on to the owner. If you feel like you need to recover the cost of postage, that's fine too, but automatically lifting $20 because "it should be worth it" to the owner definitely fingers you as a steaming pile of morally questionable shit.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 10, 2014 at 9:16 AM · Report this
Interestingly, I was at a popular fishing hole a few months ago, where I found an envelope containing $200 and a cahier's check for $350. I could have easily kept it all, the check had not been filled in with the recipient's name. But guess what? There was also a B of A receipt that indicated the owner's account number.

Guess what I did? Went to the bank, found the owner, and gave it all back, every single cent.

You know why? because it was the right thing to do.

Long Way, you're a douche bag.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on June 10, 2014 at 9:24 AM · Report this
It's all situational, isn't it, really? Cash, on the street, with nothing to ID its owner, is fair game IMHO. Unless it's a huge suitcase full and the bills are all sequential.. ;-)

Wallets, etc, you have to be a douche to do anything except due diligence, and give that shit back in it's entirety!!

Yes, I would have given all the cash that was in my wallet to the finder, just to get my stuff back last time I lost it, but wow, that's my call.
Posted by Chandira on June 10, 2014 at 10:05 AM · Report this
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