Columns

I, Anonymous

What You're Doing Is Wrong

I don't blame you for ratting me out to the cops. And I don't care that you don't want to ever talk to or see me again. You can hate me, disown me, and never ever forgive me. Those are your feelings and opinions, and you are entitled to them. I fucked up, and I know that. I let a drug addiction ruin my life, and I made some terrible decisions and did some really stupid things. But what I can't forgive you for, big brother, is that you won't talk to our brother anymore because he let me crash at his place for the week before I turned myself in. Nor can I forgive you for stopping talking to our mom, refusing to return her calls or texts, and not even allowing her to speak to or see her grandkids (not even to wish them happy birthday or merry Christmas), simply because she wouldn't set me up or incriminate me any further than you already had. You turned your back on and cut off your own family, even the woman who gave birth to and raised you on her own, for the crime of doing what families are supposed to, which is be there for each other. If it were only me you ostracized, I wouldn't care. In fact, I'm even grateful for what you did. You forced my hand, making me turn myself in, which was just the wake-up call I needed to get me to change my life and get clean. But making our mom and our family suffer because of something I did isn't fair. It's fucked up, and no matter how justified and morally superior you may feel, it's wrong and you're wrong for doing it. I hope that when you finally get your wake-up call (for being a pompous dick), your loved ones aren't as self-righteous and unforgiving as you.

—Anonymous

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Comments (21) RSS

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Slam1263 1
Always someone else to blame.

Since when did the 'Sorry, not sorry' excuse become acceptable?
Posted by Slam1263 on July 8, 2014 at 11:57 PM · Report this
2
You can't be ratted out for not doing anything wrong, and yet here you are acting as though your sibling was in the wrong. Get over yourself.
Posted by treehugger on July 9, 2014 at 6:00 AM · Report this
3
No, he's saying his brother is being a dick to the rest of his family, and that's wrong. The poster even acknowledges that being turned in was a good thing in the end.
Posted by BakerB on July 9, 2014 at 7:20 AM · Report this
4
Had a similar situation happen in my family. I won't go into all the details but siblings ended up not speaking to each other and moving out of state, hearts were broken, and so on. And before there was a chance for some kind of reconciliation, our mother died.

Acting this way destroyed our family and played a significant role in our mothers death.

All we have left now is the bottomless hole that her passing left in our lives. That's where this kind of pain takes you, to a place where the one thing in life you wish for the most, like having just 5 more minutes more with mom, can never, ever happen.
Posted by RickFromTexas on July 9, 2014 at 12:55 PM · Report this
5
I know what you are all thinking: What does Arty Ziff think about this?

I, Anon fucked up, and apparently has not fully (though somewhat partially) accepted responsibility.

However, Asshole Brother seems> to be just that. Most people understand that it is very difficult for a mother to walk away from a child gone bad, and his response (may be) excessive and damaging to everyone involved, especially the grandkids. I, Anon has a point, if things are as he says.

But I think there is a lot more to this story than we are getting.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on July 9, 2014 at 1:17 PM · Report this
6
Anon, your brother's relationships with other family members are none of your business. You messed up, and got other family members to coddle you and possibly harbor you as a criminal fugitive, if I'm interpreting your letter correctly. Your brother has children he needs to protect. That is his first priority. Mom is an adult and can fend for herself. If he thinks your criminal-harboring mother is a bad influence, it is his right to protect his kids. Maybe you should have thought of the consequences of your actions before you got your family members involved in your criminal activity.

And maybe, just maybe, your brother might choose to mend fences with your relatives in the future if you STFU about it and back off! If you want a project to work on, look in the freaking mirror.
Posted by Diagoras on July 9, 2014 at 1:49 PM · Report this
7
@Arthur Zifferelli, as a parent I can tell you that if any aspect of the situation made the brother feel like he had to choose between mom and the safety of his kids, I could see mom getting the boot.

It might also just be an initial reaction. Maybe brother will calm down later, but if his junky, criminal Anon tries to make an issue out of it, there is no hope of that, which is why I think Anon should butt out. He's done enough damage.
Posted by Diagoras on July 9, 2014 at 1:54 PM · Report this
8
@7
...as a parent I can tell you that if any aspect of the situation made the brother feel like he had to choose between mom and the safety of his kids, I could see mom getting the boot.
Permanently? I think that's excessive.

Also, apparently (from the story) Brother already turned I, Anon in and wanted Mom and Brother Number Two to add to the indictment.

Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on July 9, 2014 at 2:06 PM · Report this
keshmeshi 9
I can't help but wonder if the enabler members of the family were pissed off at the "asshole" brother for ratting the addict out, and that's the real reason for the bad blood. The addict sibling would only be privy to the enablers' side of the story since "asshole" brother won't speak to him/her.
Posted by keshmeshi on July 9, 2014 at 2:45 PM · Report this
10
This is a tough one. Who knows, maybe Mom let the addict around the kids when righteous brother forbade contact... I can see cutting off contact for putting the kids at risk. But if the guy's in jail already, or treatment, righteous brother should calm down a little and at least start talking to mom. If she owns any bad behavior that compromised the kids, that's a start, but it can't happen without a conversation.
Posted by portland scribe on July 9, 2014 at 2:48 PM · Report this
11
This hits so close to home. My brother is an extremely abusive alcoholic, who has made his forays into crack & meth.
He has stolen from everyone in the family, including my son's gaming systems (plural) & all of his dvd's & games. As a single mother, i couldn't exactly afford to replace these things. He has physically & emotionally abused everyone in the family ~ badly!
My mother's response, however, has been to protect him. When he was physically assaulting her daughter, & when he was doing it to her grandchild.
Co-dependency seems like such a benign word when talking about this shit. It goes waaay beyond that into the land of..idk. i have had my brother put in jail 3 times now, for abusing me & for abusing my father. Each & every time she has stood by his side. To the point of blaming me for being abused. Not saying that this is what's going on here, but...
I,A, i do appreciate that you are really trying to take some responsibility for what you have done. But, you seem to miss the fact that, our actions have far-reaching effects. Particularly within a family. If you hurt your brother, in any way, stole from him, lied to & betrayed him, when your mother stands up for & defends you, not only does it feel like a slap in the face, but it shows that she is not a safe person to be around. Because that same behavior will extend to your nieces & nephews.
While it may feel that your family members are being unjustly targeted, since you were the perpetrator of the wrongs, try to understand that, whilst done on your behalf, wounds were created that are only between them. You cannot heal them. Your mother created a wound with your brother. That is between them. And it is up to them to heal. All that you can do, really, is keep on trying to grow & be aware, & to never forget how deeply our actions affect those around us.
Best of luck to you.
More...
Posted by sadness on July 9, 2014 at 9:00 PM · Report this
12
One more thing ~ When one person in a family is sick, it can make the whole family a part of that sickness. It's fucking toxic. Choosing to step away from that sickness & toxicity, & in particular to keep his children away from it, is, for some people vital. The last thing that any parent wants is to bring their children into a toxic environment. And, aside from you, i find it really sad that your mother can't understand that. i find it sad, but not surprising. Since she has no problem with her other children being brought into the fold of addiction & codependency. Get some family therapy. Seriously.
Posted by sadness on July 9, 2014 at 9:14 PM · Report this
13
Sometimes one just looks at one's parents and thinks, You guys raised a herd of idiots. And, then continues to chew on one's tongue.
Posted by mizmojo on July 10, 2014 at 2:31 AM · Report this
14
Why don't you nix this column and put a link here to X-Tube and we can just watch people masturbate.
Posted by parisimo on July 10, 2014 at 7:18 AM · Report this
15
Wow, we're all busy making judgments on a person we don't know, who says he's cleaned up and shows remorse, what message does that send?

Anon, I think that was a good letter. Well done for cleaning up, and owning your shit, and for wanting to see your family put back together.

Posted by Chandira on July 10, 2014 at 10:39 AM · Report this
16
I can't believe how callous these responses have been. Well, if we weren't on the Internet I wouldn't be able to. This dude isn't attempting to blame his brother or his family for his problems. By his language, he turned himself in, served his time, and has straightened himself out. But he hates seeing his family fall apart, and there is nothing ignoble about that. Maybe don't judge people so quickly, it would be horrible to meet them in the afterlife and learn that your judgmental mentality made you a worse person than their addiction that they actually defeated, eh?
Posted by Stop_being_so_damn_judgemental on July 10, 2014 at 5:47 PM · Report this
yucca flower 17
Dear Anon,

You and mummy are toxic turds. I know this because I too had to cut off the toxic DNA-sharing turds in my own family to preserve my safety and sanity. Your brother does not miss your selfish, self-serving bullshit. Nor your butt smooching mommy. Trust me on this one. Stop trying to guilt brother into forgiving your shit. You aren't a victim. Neither is your butt smooching mother.
Posted by yucca flower on July 10, 2014 at 5:49 PM · Report this
18
@16 But brother gets to make his own decisions about what's good for him and his family. And I think Arthur is right. I get the feeling there's a lot more to this story than brother just randomly cutting off two family members. Two family members who seemed to be enabling Anon's addiction and bad behavior.
Posted by msanonymous on July 10, 2014 at 10:32 PM · Report this
19
Dear #17, seek therapy.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on July 11, 2014 at 10:14 AM · Report this
20
@8, we don't know it's forever. People threaten that but then change their minds a few years or even a few weeks later. But you gotta give people time and space to make their own decisions.

@16, but don't you think Anon is being judgmental toward his brother? Why doesn't he just stay out of it and let brother and mom work things out when the brother is ready to?
Posted by Diagoras on July 11, 2014 at 2:43 PM · Report this
yucca flower 21
@ 19,

I did. That's why I no longer put up with toxic, selfish assholes and their enablers.
Posted by yucca flower on July 19, 2014 at 1:02 PM · Report this

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