Columns

I, Anonymous

Don't Come Back

To the frat dicks waiting for a table outside of my place of work on Saturday night: I got a new pair of shoes and I work 60 hours a week. I had a blister on my toe that was fucking excruciating and so I was walking on my heel. When one of you fucks decided to mimic my gait as I was walking to the bar on break and you all started cracking up, I shrugged it off, knowing I'd be cooking your food, you piece-of-shit, Aqua Velva–drenched fucks. I told the staff: When these dicks come in, they're getting inedible bacon, small-ass hash browns, and burned eggs. I was stoked. But then you all decided not to come in when you realized I was memorizing your faces and you saw me through the window putting on my apron. I know your faces, you do not want to come back. Ever.

—Anonymous

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Comments (41) RSS

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The_Shaved_Bear 1
As a former restaurant worker, I'd have given them spitters. I've done it before. And worse. Don't shit where you eat.
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 6, 2014 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Madge 2
Darn! If only they'd seen you after inhaling their fool.
Posted by Madge on August 6, 2014 at 12:12 PM · Report this
3
@1, you are a disgusting person that gives all restaurant people a bad name. But given your attitude, you will not mind if a stick my finger up may ass and than handle your food. Just call it "extra flavor".

And once again, we see here a overly sensitive delicate flower having issues interacting with the general public. Maybe "customer service" is not I, Anon's forte?

Perhaps I, Anon needs to consider a career as a fucking NUN?

Yet another forgettable I, Anon written by some entitled douche bag Seattle Hipster.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 6, 2014 at 12:15 PM · Report this
4
Dick dick dick, there are dicks and cunts all over. Person up and learn to live with them all because you might not get another shot at this goofy column. Though you probably will.
Posted by parisimo on August 6, 2014 at 1:00 PM · Report this
JF 5
Look out! We got a badass over here and she don't care if you think she's too sassy!
Posted by JF on August 6, 2014 at 2:12 PM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 6
@3) A person such as yourself has DEFINITELY eaten a spitter before, I assure you.
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 6, 2014 at 2:14 PM · Report this
tike0vitz 7
@3 I think it's pretty clear I, anon is a cook. So customer service isn't his thing.
Posted by tike0vitz on August 6, 2014 at 3:27 PM · Report this
8
@6
A person such as yourself has DEFINITELY eaten a spitter before, I assure you.
Not a chance. As a former pastry chef at a large swanky Seattle hotel, and a former Chef De Cuisine at a swanky Portland hotel, I know how to treat my servers.

You, however, are an ass.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 6, 2014 at 4:51 PM · Report this
9
@7
I think it's pretty clear I, anon is a cook. So customer servidefinatlyce isn't his thing.
That may be so, but a a guy that started out as a dishwasher, went to CIA in Hyde Park, and worked my ass up to a kitchen job that paid the rent, I can tell you that kitchen staff is definitely "customer service". The customer is why we hare here.

My guess is that "The_Shaved_Bear" and possibly I, Anon work shit jobs in shit restaurants.

And yeas, "The_Shaved_Bear" I do want fries with that. Chop, chop. Or perhaps, "The_Shaved_Bear", I should ask you why you haven't washed my fucking French steels yet? Go have afucking smoke break.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 6, 2014 at 4:57 PM · Report this
10
Way to give the entire restaurant industry a bad name, Anonymous, makes me want to find a different city to dine in.

Big effin' deal, so you "discovered" at this late date that some people are dicks. And your solution is to become an even bigger dick? Let's hope you're fired soon, you're clearly not cut out for dealing with the public in any way.
Posted by RickFromTexas on August 6, 2014 at 6:13 PM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 11
Ziff - that spitter must have tasted terrible!
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 6, 2014 at 6:46 PM · Report this
12
25 years in BOH here, and I can tell you I have seen some folks "get served" for being shitty customers. That said...I would never do such a thing to anyone no matter how shitty they are being. I will tell you now: quit being such a fucking cry baby and grow some thicker skin. The fact is most customers are uninformed and annoying, but we have to serve them anyway. It truly sucks to have to deal with such an element, but perhaps this is your wake up call to find a better gig where these types don't come calling. Till then, STFU.
Posted by Forearm Burns on August 6, 2014 at 10:41 PM · Report this
13
Well, "The_Shaved_Bear" it's not my problem that you have shitty Customer Service skills, and are bitter because you work at some dead end shit-hole. I don't have to worry about "spitters" because I don't eat at places that hire assholes like you.

I'm sure you get tired of dropping the fry basket, and count the minutes between breaks when you can go out back by the dumpsters and smoke a bowl.

I would suggest you try to be less "passive / aggressive", but that would require that you get a life, and that's clearly not in your cards.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 7, 2014 at 9:51 AM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 14
Ziff - I could buy your whole lame family and sell them as 3rd rate hog feed. I guess the definition of the word "former" didn't come up in phonics class before you flunked out of special ed. Read my post, you IDIOT... "...former restaurant worker..."

And why do you hate fast food employees?
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 7, 2014 at 11:04 AM · Report this
Sabotage 15
"No, I'M more pretentious." "NO I AM!!!!111"
Posted by Sabotage on August 7, 2014 at 12:27 PM · Report this
16
'These dicks think I walk funny. Let me make them think I'm terrible at my job too!'

Makes perfect sense.
Posted by madcap on August 7, 2014 at 12:38 PM · Report this
17
This is weird revenge fantasy, like these assholes wouldn't just turn around and make the servers life a living hell when they didn't like their dumb breakfast? Also, how did you know they were frat guys? Were they all wearing ol' timey sweaters with the greek letters on the front, like a barbershop quarter?
Posted by JiggleBonesJones on August 7, 2014 at 1:08 PM · Report this
18
Sounds like hipster service that's all so common in Seattle. $15 an hour? Those who do it right make much more. Those that do it the was IA lists... take your $10 and be grateful.
Posted by z00maz00m on August 7, 2014 at 1:20 PM · Report this
19
I could buy your whole lame family and sell them as 3rd rate hog feed.
I sense that although you are a "former" fast food restaurant employee, you spend most of your time these days on-line while masturbating. I assume it is your girlfriend who pays the rent while you sit all day in you underwear?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 7, 2014 at 2:07 PM · Report this
20
I want to have sex with this guy
Posted by Angrybeaver on August 7, 2014 at 2:26 PM · Report this
21
I want to have sex with this guy
With a name like "Angry Beaver", maybe I want to have wild "Angry Beaver" sex with you! On the roof. At midnight... "The_Shaved_Bear" on the other hand, is a douche bag, and who except s perv fucks a douche bag?
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 7, 2014 at 3:31 PM · Report this
22
Angrybeaver meant sex with I, Anonymous.
Posted by Angrybeaver on August 7, 2014 at 3:50 PM · Report this
23
Has no one here seen Waiting? People who have worked in any restaurant knows at least one person working there that has done this. Don't act so surprised, especially when you know how terrible some customers can be. Thought this was common knowledge...
Posted by erly on August 7, 2014 at 6:49 PM · Report this
24
The lack of empathy for anyone working any customer service job that deals with people treating them like they're sub-human like all fucking day long is disgusting. The conversation shouldn't be: You should grow thicker skin because people are dicks. It should be: Why do people think it's okay to treat customer service people (or anyone) like this? Alleviating these cunts of their responsibility to be decent fucking human beings is mind-boggling to me.

If you're a grown-ass adult and you openly mock the person making or serving your food, not only are you a mean-spirited, ugly piece of shit, you're a goddamn idiot for not thinking there might be consequences for treating someone like total shit.

If you remove the customer service aspect of this and let's say your walking down the street with someone you care about a whole bunch and that person you care about is in pain and that pain is affecting the way they walk and here comes a group of shit heads mocking your beloved, would you just let it go? Would you say something to them? Would you do something?

Point is, you needlessly and cruelly fuck with someone, your chances of being fucked with back are a lot higher than if you'd just shut the fuck up and not been a stupid fucking asshole.
Posted by garbagehumper on August 8, 2014 at 1:00 AM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 25
Ziff - now you are having fantasies about people you have never met masturbating in underwear?? And fantasies that these people are fast-food workers? That spitter must have done a number on your sorry ass. Get some counseling.
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 8, 2014 at 8:59 AM · Report this
26
Blaw, blaw, blaw...
The bottom line, "The_Shaved_Bear", is that *you* are the douchebag that admitted to spitting in customers food.

Say what you will about me, but I would *never* spit in customers food, as you have admitted to doing.

You are clearly a douche bag.
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 8, 2014 at 10:19 AM · Report this
Fish Wrench Asteroid 27
Yes, let's all shame working Americans. If you're not a hedge-fund manager, you are a loser, and should be ashamed of yourself.

1. Don't make fun of people for things that are outside of their control.

2. Be forgiving of others' occasional pettiness. Every single one of us has been a jerk (Some of us in this very thread) The guy making fun of you was probably insecure, and a little drunk and took the short road to increasing his status among his friends by mocking you.
Posted by Fish Wrench Asteroid on August 8, 2014 at 10:44 AM · Report this
Fish Wrench Asteroid 28
Oh, and @24, Yes. Thank you. You rock.

A society that doesn't respect cooks doesn't deserve to eat.
Posted by Fish Wrench Asteroid on August 8, 2014 at 10:47 AM · Report this
Slam1263 29
I support hanging anyone that taints food.
Posted by Slam1263 on August 8, 2014 at 10:53 AM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 30
Ziff - I had the flu one time a spitter was ordered and watered down his LIT, too. It was a ball to watch him scarf that down. Assholes, such as yourself, are lousy tippers who get spitters... hey, that rhymes!
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 8, 2014 at 12:19 PM · Report this
31 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy
32 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy
33
Get a room
Posted by Kid Dynamite on August 9, 2014 at 1:24 AM · Report this
Griffin 34
Reads like it's the comment section that needs more malt liquor and less cocaine this week.
Posted by Griffin on August 9, 2014 at 6:59 AM · Report this
35
Wait. isn't this all about poorly fitting shoes? If Anon wore shoes that fit better we would not be having this discussion.
Posted by Imelda on August 10, 2014 at 8:30 PM · Report this
36
I anonymous already won and doesn't realize it; They saw him as the possible cook of their meal, realized their douchebaggery had opened the door to payback, and slinked away.

Posted by OWU497 on August 10, 2014 at 9:09 PM · Report this
37
The_Shaved_Bear: "tipper" and "spitter" do not rhyme. Ziff: That video wouldn't be allowed on YouTube. Both of you: Please stop commenting for at least a month so the rest of us can enjoy this rag without your ridiculously petty and immature pissing contest (which is not winnable, by the way) ruining it.
Posted by jack chandelier on August 11, 2014 at 12:22 PM · Report this
38
@24 for the win. Shorter version: Don't be a dick and don't be a pussy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5YZ9Cttz…
Posted by Outoftouch on August 11, 2014 at 3:02 PM · Report this
The_Shaved_Bear 39
@37 Looks like Ziffy is having himself a wittle tantrum with his cock fantasies. Take a nappy, wittle Ziffy. Brush your teeth to get that spitter out. mommy comes home soon and she will play with your wittle cocky.
Posted by The_Shaved_Bear on August 11, 2014 at 3:11 PM · Report this
40
@23: I would take this comment with a grain of salt. It is, after all, coming from somebody who hasn't worked in a restaurant, but they have seen Waiting!
Posted by treehugger on August 11, 2014 at 8:26 PM · Report this
41
This anecdote obviously happened at Beth's.
Posted by rbuzby on August 15, 2014 at 5:27 PM · Report this

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