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I, Anonymous

Why I Won't Date You

It's because you do yoga, but I can't tell you that. See, if we dated and hit it off, then you'd eventually pressure me into doing yoga, and I'm not doing yoga. So then it would become this big thing—a wedge between us because I don't want to do yoga and you do. I didn't do yoga before we met, so there's precedence there, but you won't understand that. So I just won't date you. Same thing for those who do outdoor sports. How can I go out with you? If we hit it off, then we'd eventually talk about moving in together, and we'd have to build a shelf in the garage for all of your gear. I can't date someone who owns gear. "And here's the shelf where all your gear can go, honey." That cannot and will not happen. So you're also out of the running. These are just a couple of automatic deal-breakers for me.

—Anonymous

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Comments (14) RSS

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Seattlebcc 1
Yowzaaaa, well, I guess this person can tell the future to their imaginary domestic partner when they're 100 years old!
Posted by Seattlebcc on December 23, 2014 at 7:12 PM · Report this
3
This I,anon sounds like an episode of Seinfeld. A bad one.
Posted by TheRob on December 24, 2014 at 9:09 AM · Report this
4
And this is why women are shocked to realize the man they married is secretly gay.
Posted by montex on December 24, 2014 at 11:13 AM · Report this
5
Once they come out with a vibrator that has a string you can pull to hear a compliment all of your problems will be solved.
Posted by MacGruber on December 24, 2014 at 12:01 PM · Report this
6
Get thee to a nunnery.
Posted by parisimo on December 24, 2014 at 1:11 PM · Report this
7
Something tells me that the weird vibe this person puts out will scare away all these pesky healthy people anyway. And then in ten years we can all look forward to a Savage Love letter from I, Anon wondering why he/she is just so darned lonely, won't that be fun?
Posted by RickFromTexas on December 24, 2014 at 3:20 PM · Report this
8
Anybody who only has 1 shelf for gear does not really "do outdoor sports". My wife and I have a whole room next to our garage for all our gear. So, feel free to date that person - chances are they will end up sitting next to you on couch watching TV anyway.
Posted by Seattleite2 on December 25, 2014 at 4:04 AM · Report this
9
How about a big mirrored glass table in the livingroom for the COCAINE and a small fridge next to her knitting chair for the MALT LIQUOR? Is that "OK"?

No?

I guess you'll have resign yourself to spending your evening with ladies from Craig's List or your Fleshlight...
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on December 25, 2014 at 3:26 PM · Report this
10
Seeing the illustration before reading this, I assumed a woman was writing this.

Agree the yoga pressure could be a deal breaker but the outdoor sports ban sounds sad.
Posted by cliche on December 26, 2014 at 11:32 AM · Report this
11
Wow, a partner who exercises and who wants to share activities and is likely to get you in better shape. What a fucking nightmare.
Posted by TheLastComment on December 26, 2014 at 1:47 PM · Report this
12
And I thought anal sex was a deal breaker...
Posted by kbatku on December 26, 2014 at 2:10 PM · Report this
Last of the Time Lords 13
So they are okay with fisting?
Posted by Last of the Time Lords on December 27, 2014 at 9:41 AM · Report this
14
God I hate people's sense of humor around here.

Who ever wrote this IAnon should be slapped. I don't usually advocate violence, but in this case I think it would be warranted.
Posted by Pointless Comment Maker on December 27, 2014 at 3:48 PM · Report this
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn 15
And here Savage is running around telling lonely people to "get out" of the house and "do things" so as to "have a life" whether they ever find a partner or not. And come to find out they don't want you if you "do things".
Posted by Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn http://youtu.be/zu-akdyxpUc on December 27, 2014 at 4:31 PM · Report this

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