To my best friend, who I just discovered had a three-year affair with my wife.

Thanks for being such a pal. For years, my family has suffered because of some mysterious lack of connection between my wife and me. I could only get her to touch me once every three months—while you were having your way with her every Thursday or Friday, whichever fit your busy legal schedule.

Ugh. Both our families have young kids. And now that you have ended it with my wife, you already have yet another woman?

You're a hairy-backed pig. I find it only fitting that you resemble John Edwards both physically and ethically. Now, about your beautiful wife... Do I tell her? She is my friend, you know. One of my best friends.