Your Cheatin' Heart
We were amused when you started banging one of our (and your) coworkers just a few months after your big wedding. We were irritated when you spent all day on the computer chatting with your new BF instead of working. We were amazed when, after your dirty little affair got outed, you just denied the whole thing ever happened EVEN THOUGH WE SAW YOU GUYS TOGETHER. We laughed at the crocodile tears you shed to each of us about how you were innocent and truly in love with your husband. By the way, no one can look that poor sap in the eye when you bring him into the store. We were confused when you got busted a couple of weeks later making out with some dude (also not your hubby) just a few blocks from work. What the F? First-anniversary gifts are traditionally paper, and we know just what to get you when that special date rolls around this summer... a scorecard!! To recognize your slutty behavior and lying skillz, your coworkers have decided to name you official Store Skank. Your duties include humping on random dudes you're not married to and hiding out all day avoiding real work. Your greasy crown is in the mail.