April 8, 2010

Columns

I, Anonymous

THANKS FOR STEALING MY HUSBAND

by 

No, seriously. Thanks! I mean, first off, if he's the sort of guy who leaves his wife for a disease-ridden bitch because she makes out with women for show, has enormous tits, and says she's a model (funny how I've never seen your picture in any of the ads of the places you say you work for, isn't it?), then good riddance. Secondly, he's the world's biggest douchebag, with his "ironic" beard and his black Kangol hat and his George Lucas lumberjack plaid shirts, smoking pot out of a hookah and hanging out with gay guys for the sole purpose of looking really tolerant and cool. He gained 100 pounds during the five years I knew him. I gained (and then lost, thankfully) 30 pounds just from being with that fuck.

You deserved him, too, you psycho hobag. You screamed at me in the street, followed me for two blocks while I tried to ignore you, insulted my disabled brother, and told me you would "destroy" me—and then you pulled my hair and ran away. Also, good job letting my ex catch you sucking that stranger's dick behind a toolshed. I hear you didn't even take the cock out of your mouth to say good-bye. You're the best dirty whore ever. recommended

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Comments (33) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
wondergus 1
First
Posted by wondergus on April 7, 2010 at 11:07 AM · Report
wondergus 2
Who'd you hear about the good-bye from behind-the-shack from? Sounds to me like she was only being courteous to the first person she met back there.
Posted by wondergus on April 7, 2010 at 11:22 AM · Report
3
We have a winner!
Posted by ghast on April 7, 2010 at 11:41 AM · Report
4
Um, where does the bareback and pregnant come in?
Posted by Roc on April 7, 2010 at 12:08 PM · Report
growler 5
who shot who in the what now?
Posted by growler on April 7, 2010 at 12:51 PM · Report
6
Tsk, tsk. Such an irritating set of affectations like the "ironic" beard, whatever that is, and the rest of it ... makes you wonder how it impressed anon so much for five years. Sounds to me like anon is still pissed about losing this stud.

And wondergus - well done at being first ... it demonstrates such "alpha" qualities .. I see you being a vice-president in five years ;-)
Posted by truck on April 7, 2010 at 1:17 PM · Report
hans millionaire 7
now these are ironic beards:

http://partyends.com/blog/wp-content/upl…

Posted by hans millionaire on April 7, 2010 at 2:33 PM · Report
hans millionaire 8
let me quess who stole your man, the notorious "pike street slut"??
Posted by hans millionaire on April 7, 2010 at 2:41 PM · Report
2+2=5 9
I couldn't imagine spending five years with the worlds biggest douchebag. Guess that makes her the worlds biggest nozzle.
Posted by 2+2=5 on April 7, 2010 at 3:07 PM · Report
10
so you've met my ex wife sunshine have you? well isn't she an impressive slut. as for "stole" from you. i don't think she stole him , i think she did you a favor. maybe if you wanted to keep him you shoulda done some dick suckin behind the wood shed your self , and got a boob job. i'm just sayin! p.s. love the toon this week!
Posted by gillettebret on April 7, 2010 at 3:28 PM · Report
Baconcat 11
It's so sad when beards don't know they're beards.
Posted by Baconcat on April 7, 2010 at 4:29 PM · Report
12
You should buy her a stuffed SMURF doll and a sweet little card with children playing on the beach, then give them to her. Tell her that you're both "on the same side now" and that sistah's gots to look out for each othah. Then make sure the ex husband sees the two of you making out in public. Then squat and take a shit right in front of them both and pull a SMURF doll out of your purse and leave the SMURF sitting there on turd mountain for them to look at.
Posted by make the most of each moment on April 7, 2010 at 8:23 PM · Report
13
I agree with @12
Posted by cool on April 7, 2010 at 8:59 PM · Report
14
I think it's fake.
Posted by notfromaroundhere on April 8, 2010 at 1:17 AM · Report
15
Love shack Baby!!!
Posted by Fred Schneider on April 8, 2010 at 3:03 AM · Report
16
@7 - Well, I log in from Austin, TX to read the Seattle weekly and see a pic of my 4 blocks down the street neighbor! Small world. Don't know about the other two, but the beard in the middle isn't ironic, just years of hard work.
Posted by sweet g on April 8, 2010 at 6:30 AM · Report
wondergus 17
#6
If you accompish very little, being the first post on I Anon suddenly becomes meaningful.

#12
A creative solution, to be sure, but a solution to what?
Posted by wondergus on April 8, 2010 at 8:51 AM · Report
18
@#7, how did they adhere such a thick beard to that lovely young lady's face on the left side of your photo??
Posted by PDX_Paulie on April 8, 2010 at 10:31 AM · Report
19
I,Anon is sometimes great, but lately it's been way too fixated on cheating.
And this one in particular, Christ, why don't we all just watch Jerry Springer?
Posted by geyser on April 8, 2010 at 11:27 AM · Report
20
Geyser- there are big differences between having respect for those in our everyday lives and then acting out in anger when they disappoint us VS finding some sort of sick enjoyment out of other peoples stories of pain and disrespect on television. In your case maybe the former makes the latter more enjoyable, it sure does feel good to knock other people down when ur too chicken to take your problems into ur own hands. I anonymous serves the purpose of empowering these people, not solely for your entertainment, that's why u have Jerry :)
Posted by horseskull on April 8, 2010 at 11:58 AM · Report
21
It's not too late to work things out with this guy! The two of you just need to talk.
Posted by kungfujew on April 8, 2010 at 8:52 PM · Report
luvzhappyboy 22
Sista, YOU are the lucky one! Don't be raggin' on the ho. She did you a favor.
Posted by luvzhappyboy on April 9, 2010 at 7:51 AM · Report
23
Can I have a non-ironic beard? I hope so. I like having beards.
Posted by presently out on April 9, 2010 at 8:56 AM · Report
24
"I,Anon is sometimes great, but lately it's been way too fixated on cheating. "

Because the Broads need the drama or they get stale.

It's good for business.
Posted by Blather on April 9, 2010 at 12:30 PM · Report
growler 25
@20 aka horseskull;
what the hell are you talking about? there is no difference between people reading these alleged grievances and people watching jerry springer. THEY ARE ONE IN THE SAME! i'll spell it out for ya. group A has a problem with group B. the problem is displayed for those interested to view and comment on. get off your highhorse and keep on enjoying your beloved I,ANON aka the print version of the jerry springer show.

Posted by growler on April 10, 2010 at 3:00 PM · Report
26
Enough with the scruff! A-men.
Posted by bwizard on April 12, 2010 at 1:09 PM · Report
Nico-la 27
This is amazing.
Posted by Nico-la http://twitter.com/strangesindex on April 12, 2010 at 1:50 PM · Report
28
LMAO! Thanks for the biggest laugh I've had in weeks, but special thanks go to Baconcat.
Posted by DavidBowieFan on April 12, 2010 at 4:15 PM · Report
Incredible 29
Damn excellent job here! *This* is how it's done: fashion report, cock-sucking hijinx, weight problems, disabled relatives, street melees...it's like you have a checklist.

Other IAs leave me distilling tears for a few precious drops of comedy hooch, but you could bottle this one. I'm dying.
Posted by Incredible on April 13, 2010 at 7:59 AM · Report
30
CLASSY
Posted by native_prideJOE on April 13, 2010 at 1:57 PM · Report
31
It's poetic...as in poetic justice. Sometimes you really are just better off alone.
Posted by Diagoras on April 13, 2010 at 4:34 PM · Report
mebematt 32
Stay classy Seattle; I miss you.
Posted by mebematt on April 13, 2010 at 6:58 PM · Report
wondergus 33
#29

+1
Posted by wondergus on April 14, 2010 at 11:14 AM · Report

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