Dearest sister-in-law: It's been three years since you've been married into my family. Congrats on the baby news—I hear you'll be a new mother in June. I'm happy for you, but worry for your child's safety. I hope you haven't forgotten my father is still a pedophile. It would be fair to say he got to me by the ripe ol' age of 3 with some light finger banging to start. God willing, his body will be riddled with cancer and he'll be too weak to molest his grandchild, but I wouldn't rely on that. Feel free to decline on the gratuitous child-care offers from my father. Please be careful.