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I, Anonymous

Happy Dead Mother's Day

I, Anonymous

Steven Weissman

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My mother died on March 27, 2010, in a car accident. She crossed the centerline and ran into a truck coming the other direction. It's Mother's Day weekend. I'm supposed to be grief-stricken. I'm just relieved.

My mom had me when she was 17. She always told me that having kids wrecked her life. (I'm the first of three kids.) When my youngest brother went to college, she announced that she was retiring from parenthood. She always drank heavily and used drugs. She encouraged me to drink and use with her when I turned 12. She gave me pot when I was 13 and heroin when I was 14. She let a friend of hers sexually abuse me when I was 11. When I told her that he was doing it, she beat the crap out of me for "trying to ruin a good man." She then sent me to spend the night with him and his wife (no kids my age) to prove to my dad that nothing was wrong. I knew better than to complain when he stuck his hand in my vagina and touched my breasts. She would have beaten the crap out of me again. When I tried to commit suicide via overdose when I was 14, she didn't even notice. She was in bed with a hangover. Three days later, my uncle noticed that I "looked sick."

When I quit drinking and went to AA, I cried for weeks because I knew that if I got straight, I would never have a good relationship with my mother. I quit anyway. She hated my sobriety. She hated my new life. She hated my husband. She hated it when I chose to be a mother. She hated my career. Every single choice I made she took as an indictment of the choices she made. She was probably right. My choices were probably a criticism of her choices.

She's dead. All I can think is, "Thank God." recommended

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Comments (58) RSS

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1
Congratulations on breaking the cycle - I'll bet you're a great mom
Posted by Yay on May 19, 2010 at 10:30 AM · Report this
2
You have to admit, if nothing else, it was thoughtful of her to bite it on Mother's Day. Now, at long last, you will have a real reason to celebrate that day.
(I am so not being sarcastic).
Congratulations, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing that stops the worst women from becoming mothers right along with the best.
Posted by DF on May 19, 2010 at 10:45 AM · Report this
3
i think howard zinn said 'family is the most elaborate prison devised by man' but i could be wrong. but hey, you're free! woot!
Posted by hmmmmmm on May 19, 2010 at 10:55 AM · Report this
hans millionaire 4
sounds like she needed a lot of help. maybe you could have got help for her
Posted by hans millionaire on May 19, 2010 at 11:36 AM · Report this
freesandbags 5
Good I, Anon.
Posted by freesandbags on May 19, 2010 at 11:51 AM · Report this
6
Jeez, he stuck his hand in your vajayjay? Child-fisting is far from acceptable.
Posted by jenc01 on May 19, 2010 at 11:58 AM · Report this
7
@4 Your suggestion is complete and utter horseshit. All my experiences with friends who got on the run away drug train were you can't help them; they have to help themselves. That usually involves them hitting rock bottom. Then, if they're still alive then they get help.
Posted by Hybrid Vigor on May 19, 2010 at 12:06 PM · Report this
8
Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table. - W.H. Auden

I am glad you are free of her.
Posted by xina on May 19, 2010 at 12:17 PM · Report this
9
Evil is unspectacular and always human, and shares our bed and eats at our own table. -W.H. Auden

I am glad you are free of her.
Posted by xina on May 19, 2010 at 12:19 PM · Report this
10
Hey! Hans Millionaire! Yes, I'm talking to you. Was she supposed to find time between healing from traumatic sexual abuse and when she decided to saver HERSELF by joining AA and reclaiming the life, her own life, that her mother never even valued in the first place? Was she supposed to forgo any measurement of happiness so that her mother, who clearly had absolutely no desire to help herself, could have one more person buffering her from the hard work she had to make herself better?

You, dear Hans, are what people refer to as a troll. And having grown up with a mother who was a heroin addict and who later died of it, I can tell you that you're meekish attempt at a seemingly innocent observation is cruel and stupid attempt at real conversation. She had a man SHOVE his hands in to her vagina when she was 11. Give her a fucking break.
Posted by shadowseventhesilverspoon on May 19, 2010 at 12:39 PM · Report this
11
Just FYI "DF", March 27th isn't Mother's Day.
Posted by The Id on May 19, 2010 at 12:55 PM · Report this
hans millionaire 12
all i'm sayin, she could have called the cops, a counselor, or child protective services at any time... saying thank god your mom died is cold hearted
Posted by hans millionaire on May 19, 2010 at 1:53 PM · Report this
dirac 13
actually, hans, relief upon the death of someone close is pretty common; telling an 11 year old abuse victim to call the cops is fucking insane. grow up.
Posted by dirac on May 19, 2010 at 3:18 PM · Report this
14
I don't think her saying "thank God mom is dead" is cold hearted. It's pretty obvious that she was abused in more than one way by her mother. And at the age of 11, how do you know who you can trust when you can't even trust the woman that brought you into the world?
Posted by dhop274 on May 19, 2010 at 3:33 PM · Report this
15
Hans, I'm happy for you that you are so far detached from the reality some children experience at the hands of their own parents. When you are aware, as I was and, it seems IA also may have been, that the one person you most expect to protect you in this world - your own mother - is throwing you to the dogs, it give you practically no faith at all in any outside support. If my MOTHER can't or won't protect me, why would anyone else. And we learn to rely on our survival instincts alone. Not always successfully, but we certainly can't be expected to get our crap mother(s) any help they don't want or deserve before helping ourselves.

Good for you for knowing none of this.
Posted by kmlalk on May 19, 2010 at 4:05 PM · Report this
16
see,anon,there is a god!
Posted by embarrassed in kentucky on May 19, 2010 at 4:18 PM · Report this
17
see,anon,there is a god!
Posted by embarrassed in kentucky on May 19, 2010 at 4:21 PM · Report this
TVDinner 18
Congrats, Anon. I hope you never feel guilty for the peace you've found. Honey, you've earned it.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on May 19, 2010 at 4:38 PM · Report this
hans millionaire 19
go on ahead, assume i know nothing about abuse or drug addiction or messed up families... still, i say never give up on your family or friends, never wish death upon anyone
Posted by hans millionaire on May 19, 2010 at 5:16 PM · Report this
20
@19

At 12, I had saved my mother from suicide 4 times, driven her to the hospital for overdose, cooked, cleaned, and took care of her 24/7, and regularly called social workers asking for help.

Their response? "If she's not beating you, you're better off where you are."

I had three friends die in foster care--one from lack of medical treatment for CF, one from drug overdose, one from suicide after she'd been raped by her foster dad.

Getting "help" is a laugh. Don't talk about what you don't know about, and DON'T patronize IA for this much-deserved sigh of relief.
Posted by Snickerdoodly on May 19, 2010 at 6:24 PM · Report this
growler 21
yikes, time for another diversion....

anybody listen to that new hold steady record yet? preeeeetttttyyy goooooooood. yup.
gonna pop that sucker in right now, and forget i read this crap.

baaaaa baaaa da da baaa da da da........
Posted by growler on May 19, 2010 at 8:18 PM · Report this
growler 22
By the Way, MARCH 27TH IS NOWHERE NEAR MOTHERS DAY!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......fake?
Posted by growler on May 19, 2010 at 8:28 PM · Report this
growler 23
By The Way, MARCH 27TH IS NOWHERE NEAR MOTHER'S DAY!

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm......fake?
Posted by growler on May 19, 2010 at 8:31 PM · Report this
24
@22 Not necessarily. She could have submitted it around Mothers Day and they've only just gotten around to printing it.

Getting back on topic, I don't think feeling relief at the death of someone who treated you worse than dirt and let others do the same is anything to feel guilty about, even if she was your mother. Good for you for breaking the cycle.
Posted by Electric Maenad on May 19, 2010 at 8:55 PM · Report this
25
She wrote the I ANON on Mother's Day weekend. Her mother died on the 27th. She isn't saying Mother's Day was the 27th.
Posted by mittens on May 19, 2010 at 9:40 PM · Report this
26
Many MANY choices are a criticism of their parents' choices. I know mine are. That doesn't necessarily mean the choices on either end are always good vs bad.

That said, by being sober and by forming caring relationships, you are opening a whole new world to your child(ren) and giving them the best you are able. That's a HUGE part of good parenting. More power to you.
Posted by work/in/progress on May 19, 2010 at 10:03 PM · Report this
27
Good on you, Anon. I worked in Child Protection for a while, and one of the worst things was hearing about the thoughts and lives of children trapped in circumstances like this, because they accepted it as normal in so many ways and carried so much on themselves. You accomplished something amazing by escaping from that hell--especially conquering your own drug and alcohol abuse--and by providing a safe and loving home for your own children. Kudos, and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for being happy she's gone. Just keep living your life on your own terms, the way you are now, and congratulations.
Posted by Peri on May 20, 2010 at 12:59 AM · Report this
28
Dear Anon writer,

Life dealt you a sh*tty hand when you were born and it totally sucks. How horrible. I hope you can find peace and that you are able to have the fortune of healthy relationships the rest of your days.
Posted by Menacing Muffin on May 20, 2010 at 8:28 AM · Report this
29
Hans, you have no clue what you are talking about. Kids growing up in abusive homes accept the abuse and neglect as normal. Although this may not apply to the Anon, abused kids sometimes are even told "I only hit you because I love you." And if they are afraid of, and can't trust their parents, how likely are they to trust strangers? I think most abused kids have at least a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome, especially if their parents display any positive emotions toward their kids in between bouts of abuse.

I, Anon - I'm so glad you broke the cycle of abuse. Many of us do have to think about what mom or dad would do and then do the opposite to avoid their mistakes! Not every parent is a good parent, sadly.
Posted by Diagoras on May 20, 2010 at 9:05 AM · Report this
gr8lakesgrrl 30
Congratulations, Anon, you are finally free! You are not alone. I sometimes worry that when my mother dies, my primary emotion will be an overwhelming sense of relief, and my experience pales in comparison, but she still manages to make my life miserable. I guess it's time to stop letting her do that.
Posted by gr8lakesgrrl on May 20, 2010 at 9:38 AM · Report this
Sat'n 31
Is it too late to say, "Let's have a hand for Anon's mother dying!"
Posted by Sat'n on May 20, 2010 at 10:34 AM · Report this
32
Congratulations on your survival of a hideous upbringing and remarkable resiliance.
I hope your husband is wonderful, your children marvelous and your career thriving and fulfilling and now that she's gone the way of all flesh, I hope that you can, perhaps with the help of a therapist, manage to leave behind you the toxic waste dump she created in your one and only precious life.
All my very best wishes to you and yours.
Posted by Shana on May 20, 2010 at 10:35 AM · Report this
keshmeshi 33
While I never suffered that kind of abuse, I can relate. My life has been on a consistent upward trend since my father bit it. My only regret is not cutting off contact with him much earlier.
Posted by keshmeshi on May 20, 2010 at 12:25 PM · Report this
34
My dad died April 9th big sigh of relief for my sister and me. I'm not glad he's dead, just glad I don't have to fear the hatred and abuse he bestowed on us. Just saying...
Posted by NANAK82003 on May 20, 2010 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Moderate 35
Keep coming back. I know how you feel. AA 2.4 years, happy joyous and free.
Posted by Moderate on May 20, 2010 at 2:31 PM · Report this
growler 36
i hate it when i post something stupid. especially twice. ugh.
Posted by growler on May 20, 2010 at 8:40 PM · Report this
37
It's hard hating your parents. Not only is there all the bullshit of being at war with people who are supposed to be supporting you, but most other people have no fucking idea what it's like; when you say your mom died and it's the best news you've gotten all week, they just get uncomfortable and judge you -- even if they say they aren't judging you. Having had that experience with my dad's death many years ago, I just want to say, I Anon, that some parents have it fucking coming, and admitting to yourself that your mom deserved your antipathy and that you're glad she's dead is a morally correct and healthy thing to do, and you should keep doing it until it all just fades into the background. Your mother is something you survived, like a mugging, and you don't owe her a fucking thing. Past that, your only duty is the one she utterly failed to fulfill: taking care of you.

And just as a tip: go ahead and have her buried someplace, with a grave marker of some kind. My dad was cremated and his ashes were scattered in the ocean, and one of my only regrets after he was gone was that he didn't have a grave I could piss on, as the urge would come upon me from time to time.
Posted by Judah http://www.suoxi.net on May 20, 2010 at 10:49 PM · Report this
38
now that the hug fest is over , congrats on your moms death. i am sure she's proud of the spiteful , whiney person you've become. so what if your a mother , anyone with a vagina can do that. what do you want a medal? suggestion :place a toilet on your moms grave so you can squat to pee more comfortably, don't forget to wipe!
Posted by GilletteBeck on May 21, 2010 at 12:59 AM · Report this
39
I hate your mother. I'm glad she's dead. The only thing her existence left as a mark is you. And look at yourself, you are amazing. I wish I could believe in religion and be comforted by the idea of her roasting in hell. Every good thing you do leeches her power. I want you to come to a point where she has none anymore, then she will truly be washed away like dirt.
Posted by Midwest Guy on May 21, 2010 at 2:19 AM · Report this
40
Hey, speaking of dead mothers! How's yours, GilleteBeck, you worthless shit-guzzling drunk!
Posted by Schick on May 21, 2010 at 7:33 AM · Report this
41
@ the people commenting on March 27th not being Mother's Day- She isn't saying that that's mother's day, she's saying her mom died on that date and that she is writing this I, anon piece on mother's day weekend as she thinks about her.
Posted by sweet g on May 21, 2010 at 7:36 AM · Report this
42
Anon is not sad because she grieved her mother long ago, when she finally realized that her mother would never change and that she was never going to get the love and support she needed from mother. Resenting a child's happiness because it contrasts with the parent's failings is truly selfish and small.
Posted by OneTrickPony on May 21, 2010 at 8:01 AM · Report this
biffster 43
@19 - hans,

ever heard of interventions? that's what they do when the family is ready to give up on the user/abuser. if they don't want the help then they're on their own.

it would be nice not to give up on the mom, but only if there was even a chance of saving her. from the sound of it the chances were nil.

and i wish you were dead, hans
Posted by biffster on May 21, 2010 at 12:03 PM · Report this
44
Good for you. I have been clean and sober for 20 years. I never could have "saved" either of my parents. They were drunks, and were beyond salvaging. I don't have to live that life. I always say we make our own families, if the ones we are born into are not good. I have no regrets. My many wonderful friends are my family.
Posted by Gay Movie Fan on May 21, 2010 at 1:40 PM · Report this
45
@ the people commenting on the people commenting on march 27th not being mothers day.

the people commenting on march 27th not being mothers day are responding to #2, not to IA.
Posted by AK on May 21, 2010 at 4:06 PM · Report this
pales 46
First of all: eff you, Hans.

Dear IA: I am so happy you feel relief. I won't go into detail but I had a similar upbringing to yours, and the best thing my mother ever did for me was to provide an example of how NOT to live my life.

And @44: My friends are my family, too. I couldn't have chosen a better bunch!
Posted by pales on May 21, 2010 at 4:10 PM · Report this
47
This is the kind of I anon that we keep reading for.

I anon, I'm happy you're going forward and helping yourself when your mother wouldn't, and being strong and positive, (and clearly resilient) and building a life for yourself out of the inadequate, and damaging childhood that your mother subjected you to.

The old empty cliches that society imposes on us that all mothers love us and we should love them, and that death is always a tragedy... bullshit. who decided that those blanket statements were true and always true. Getting pregnant and giving birth to another human being doesn't make a person instantly good or worthy of the love of their children. A lot of people don't want to hear the ugly truth that not all mothers are good, and that the death of a mother isn't always something worthy of grief and mourning. mourn the horrid life she lived, and mourn what she put you through instead.

I know why you had to put this on I anon instead of just saying it freely to the world. People don't know how to respond to the ugly truth you just wrote. wishing you strength and happiness and a positive new life that you'll build for yourself. And if it's not too much to say this.... may you be happy.
Posted by Madonna on May 21, 2010 at 7:35 PM · Report this
48
Hey, I'm glad she's dead, too! Happy Mother's day, muthas.
Posted by Crash on May 22, 2010 at 2:15 PM · Report this
49
I swear, somebody at the Stranger just wrote this based on the movie "Precious: Based on the novel Push by Sapphire". They did it because they watched the DVD and realized Mother's Day was coming up...
Posted by SaraJean on May 23, 2010 at 5:30 PM · Report this
50
I understand where you're coming from to a certain degree. While my life was not nearly as bad as yours, my mother never supported and gave me unconditional love. She disowned me for 8 years because I'm gay and she was a right-wing fundamentalist christian. She died in mid-February of this year and I don't find that I miss her much. It constantly broke my heart that she would never accept me and my partner. I was very loyal to her until the end, even helping her out financially for the last 6 years of her life. I can't tell you all of the birthdays and mother's days that I labored over what card to get her...none of them fit...

I'm so sorry for the pain and suffering your mother inflicted on you. I wish you the best in this life and good for you for persevering.
Posted by Robin in PA on May 23, 2010 at 8:01 PM · Report this
51
ah. Congrats. Happy dead mothers day. I'm glad she's dead too. She sounded like nothing be a blight to society. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Cause who the hell else is going to do it?
Posted by LZito on May 24, 2010 at 6:22 PM · Report this
52
Fuck off and die, Hans.
Posted by notfromaroundhere on May 25, 2010 at 9:20 PM · Report this
53
I can't tell you how many times (growing up, and still) I've wished my step-father was dead. For similar reasons (abuse, drugs, being an ass). When it happens I will finally have a reason to CELEBRATE father's day; or as I'll call it, "Today the World is a Better Place" Day.
Posted by Stargazer on May 28, 2010 at 4:48 AM · Report this
bunckycrack 54
holy shit..........the mother of tha year award goes to..........you should have followed the menendes brothers lead!!!!!!!time to take out the trash with a 12 gauge.....and people say parent licenses are out of the question
Posted by bunckycrack on May 28, 2010 at 5:32 AM · Report this
55
Wow. Something I may be writing someday as well. My mom is also a narcissist and has abused and sabotaged me for my whole life. Lately she's taken to helping my ex try to turn my daughter completely against me and custodial interference. She is married to a pedophile who abused my daughter. She covered up for him in two separate trooper investigations though she admits she knows what he did. Initially she claimed that she was staying with him to avoids other children getting abused. Based upon her nonchalance when he is around children I now suspect that she may be in on it - quite sick. I am fighting like hell to keep my daughter safe. Sad that I must spend so much of my time and energy in life fighting this evil woman as I am actually rather intelligent and talented. To anyone who has a mother like this: RUN, run like hell! Things will only get worse, no matter how much you try to please her. The only reason I am still here is that I must protect my children from that woman and my abusive ex. Amazingly my mom has an entirely different public persona as an educator. If only people knew....
Posted by Penn on June 5, 2010 at 11:21 PM · Report this
herbitual bagel 56
@55: How old might your daughter be? If she is 8 or above she should know better than to side along with her so called "grandmother" on custodial difference. Though if she is aware of the horrid situation she may help you in court (if tooken that far) eh?
@IA: Enjoy the weight off your shoulder, sounds well deserved.
Posted by herbitual bagel on June 23, 2010 at 10:52 PM · Report this
57
Your mother sounds like mine. And I too am glad she's dead. Thanks but no thanks for the crappy childhood.
Posted by WyomingDiva on January 26, 2011 at 8:30 PM · Report this
58
Your mother sounds like mine. And I too am glad mine's dead. I don't ever have to listen to her crazy and abusive crap. Thanks but no thanks for the crummy childhood.
Posted by WyomingDiva on January 26, 2011 at 8:36 PM · Report this

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