I, Anonymous

This Could Be Addressed to Him

I, Anonymous

Steven Weissman

But it's not. It's addressed to you. He roughed me up during sex, he said I couldn't be respected because I was a slut, he told me I was immature, and he said he only liked to have me around because I was convenient and I laughed at his jokes. He made sure it was difficult for me to tell anyone, and it already was, because we shared a best friend, who was you. How could I tell you what he did? I was so afraid I would lose everything. And you know what? I was right to be afraid. Because I told you, and you said you would rather not know. Because when I was hurt, you chalked it up to me being obsessed and in love with him rather than very hurt by someone with a lot of power who scared me and threatened to take away my friends. And so I reached out to other people, and they were confused, so they asked you... and you said that you had no idea what I was talking about. You allowed me to become a crazy bitch liar for the sake of your "best friendship" with a man who was abusive and cruel to me. And I sat with you through your depression and anxiety a couple years ago, while he never even bothered to ask what was going on.

Him, you, and our former group of friends—people I once cared for—are the most spineless, shitless, disgusting asswipes I have ever met in my life. And I'm sorry I spent any time with you.

But it's all my fault, right? I trapped him into this. That's what you meant, right? I trapped him into being rough with me. You're totally right: I should really take responsibility for what I've done. The problem was me. recommended

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Comments (36) RSS

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Sat'n 1
There's nothing more useless than a shitless asswipe.
Posted by Sat'n on May 26, 2010 at 10:10 AM · Report this
Sat'n 2
Or wait: the shitless asswipes are the ones you want. Oh, Anon, you have me so confused.
Posted by Sat'n on May 26, 2010 at 10:13 AM · Report this
Ooh, ooh, I call next to rough you up- I have my strap-on ready!
Posted by jenc01 on May 26, 2010 at 10:19 AM · Report this
Think it was supposed to be shiftless? I, too, am confused by the Ghost-wipe.
Posted by jenc01 on May 26, 2010 at 10:21 AM · Report this
violet 5
I had a "friend" like yours once. The guys called her a 'gateway girl'.. that is, she hooked them up (no matter how big a douche said guy was.. she didn't care) with her friends in exchange for her being their favorite gal-pal. Sucks finding new friends, but it sounds like the best option for you (twas in my case).
Posted by violet on May 26, 2010 at 12:42 PM · Report this
TVDinner 6
"You allowed me to become a crazy bitch liar."

Uh, nope. You made some choices, girlfriend. Now choose your ass away from these destructive pieces of shit and get some real friends. Those are people who actually care about your well-being and put that before their own agendas.
Posted by TVDinner http:// on May 26, 2010 at 1:20 PM · Report this
I knew a chick who was known as a "gateway girl" too, but it was because her vagina was so loose a person could drive a truck through it.
Posted by Schick on May 26, 2010 at 1:21 PM · Report this
This I anon resonated with me.

I've been in your shoes. I've experienced someone using their social power/ties/allies to get away with damaging someone in their circle, with the power that no one wants to know about the bad stuff. Loyal friends don't want to hear that one of their friends can actually be mean.

These assholes who know they're so fucking safe with their non question asking, drama avoiding allies can get away with the most inhumane acts of emotional and social violence, and put you in a situation where you can either speak the truth, and look like a crazy bitch, or suffer in silence as you lose your own allies.

And boys always stick together.

YEah, I liked this I anon. Just by telling the truth here you're doing something good for yourself. Thanks I anon.
Posted by Madonna on May 26, 2010 at 4:40 PM · Report this
@8: Boys don't always stick together, and saying otherwise is an unfounded, broad generalization. To say that most boys stick together may be true, but don't lump us all in with the assholes. Thanks.
Posted by Not a dick on May 26, 2010 at 9:03 PM · Report this
Painfully boring. So you allowed yourself to be used and we're supposed to give a shit? I think I hear the Aurora Bridge calling your name. Also, WTF is "emotional and social violence"? Is that violence, but without the hitting? In other words, not violence?
Posted by Rip City Hustle on May 27, 2010 at 8:59 AM · Report this
DTMFA anyone?
Posted by sockman on May 27, 2010 at 11:32 AM · Report this
2+2=5 12
"he said I couldn't be respected because I was a slut, he told me I was immature, and he said he only liked to have me around because I was convenient and I laughed at his jokes."

And that's when you punch him in the nuts and go about your merry. Yea, you may be made out to be a crazy bitch, but that is happening anyway. The question is are you are crazy bitch doormat or just a crazy bitch?
Posted by 2+2=5 on May 27, 2010 at 12:47 PM · Report this
Pictures or you lie.
Posted by Nerdherder on May 27, 2010 at 1:10 PM · Report this
You didn't deserve to be abused, but your post-breakup actions pretty much guaranteed you wouldn't get to keep any of your common friends.

Whenever a couple splits up, the friends usually tend to stay with the person they've known the longest, as well as believing that person's version of events leading to the breakup.

By publicly voicing that he was abusive to you, it was essentially an instant call that they choose a side, and they chose to believe him over you. I'm not entirely sure where the "best friend" fits into this - since you only told him what happened and he didn't witness the abusive acts, if anyone asked him about it, you shouldn't be surprised when he says he has no idea what really happened.

However, if it's any consolation, if your old boyfriend abuses a new girlfriend, his friends will be more likely to believe her because you've spoken out about it in the past.
Posted by El Brucio on May 27, 2010 at 7:21 PM · Report this
@6 I don't think she meant she was or became a crazy bitch liar because of the "best friend". I think she meant that because this person pretended to have no idea what she was talking about, people assumed that she must be.

People make assumptions like that. Especially when you're friends with ASSHOLES. Make better friends, Anonymous.
Posted by Clara on May 28, 2010 at 1:55 AM · Report this
bunckycrack 16
WOW..........your gonna stay in a shitty relationship so you dont lose your friends...........I think its time to find a fast movin train and throw your self in front of it
Posted by bunckycrack on May 28, 2010 at 5:16 AM · Report this
Some men don't want to publicly admit that their friends are abusive, because they don't want their own abusive behavior to get out.

I, briefly, dated someone who threatened to rape me when I didn't want to have sex after the third date.

He was a foot taller than I was, and about 100 pounds heavier, so I calmly told him that if he did rape me, he'd better not fall asleep afterwards because I had a kitchen full of knives.

And if I didn't get him then, I knew where he lived, and worked.

That sent my would-be rapist running.

When I later told a male "friend" about the rape threat of the guy he worked with, my so-called "friend" chastised ME, for not keeping the would-be rapist's secret.

I no longer speak to that so-called friend, and I'm better off without either of them.

So are you, and please ignore the misogynist asswipes in these comments, they've got a bad conscious about their own treatment of women, no doubt. And they're trying to deflect that by attacking you.

Like your ex-friends, and mine.
Posted by judybrowni on May 28, 2010 at 3:41 PM · Report this
I failed to catch the part where Anon was shackled to the wall and unable to pick her sorry ass up and walk out the door. Boo hoo, you weren't treated with all the respect your princess ass thinks you deserve, but you like the attention your vagina brings when you hand it out like candy. He's right, you don't deserve any respect. Now, quit yer bitchin', suck it up, go find some friends, and get some self respect.

Tired of the self-serving whining.
Posted by NotBuyinTheBullshit on May 28, 2010 at 3:51 PM · Report this
El Brucio @14.
Interesting insight there. I guess friends do choose sides when there's a rift between exes. sad but common.
Posted by Madonna on May 28, 2010 at 4:26 PM · Report this
Boys always stick together? Dumbest thing ever written. Comments like that are always written by people who think men are some mystical, weird, creatures who cannot be fathomed. Of course, guys aren't really much difference from women. In reality, girls get between best guy friends all the time. Trust me, it's the story of almost every ex-best friends' life, male or female, gay or straight.
Posted by sociallyappropriate on May 28, 2010 at 10:24 PM · Report this
I guess I'm not surprised to read so many comments blaming this person for the abuse she received "you should have left- I wouldn't have put up with that... why would you be afraid to leave? ... you deserved it, because you sound annoying."

It doesn't matter how stupid/obnoxious/unlikealbe someone is: they don't deserve to be abused.

The insidious truth about receiving abuse is that it changes you; you think you deserve it. So you can't and don't leave.

That's the abusers' fault; they deserve the scathing reviews.
Posted by Brittany on May 29, 2010 at 7:32 AM · Report this
Anonymous: don't be surprised if your friends who are unsympathetic now are running to you in a year with tales of woe of what your ex has done to them. I'll tell you from experience that while your temptation might be to reconnect with those friends because you optimistically believe they've "seen the light", don't. They'll screw you over on some new issue.
Posted by TedCrack on May 29, 2010 at 8:15 AM · Report this
Vince 23
What a fucking cry baby!
Posted by Vince on May 29, 2010 at 12:04 PM · Report this
At least you can leave these people. Sometimes the abuser is a family member and the one calling you a crazy liar bitch is also a family member. Count your blessings and find some new friends.
Posted by 12589 on May 30, 2010 at 8:29 AM · Report this
What does "abusive" mean? That could be anything from physical violence to refusing to buy you steak with your lobster at the most expensive restaurant in town. Since you can't be bothered to define what being "rough" and "abusive" were exactly, you cynically let everyone's imaginations run wild, thus serving your own selfish desire to vilify a man who may or may not deserve it.

What may be "rough & abusive" to you may be simple kink to others. Kink that is invited and welcomed. I think your motives are less than innocent when you decide to let people fill in the blanks.
Posted by montex on May 30, 2010 at 3:44 PM · Report this
Posted by HO STOMPER on May 31, 2010 at 2:22 AM · Report this
25 - If it was just kinky sex, that would imply it was consensual. "Rough & abusive" implies that it was not.
Posted by DJDeeJay on May 31, 2010 at 8:32 AM · Report this
Some of you males need to check your misogynistic attitudes out. You only heard one side of the tale and your knee jerk reaction is to blame HER? you fucking commentors make me sick. Glad you found your way out girl. Learn and move on!
-A decent man
Posted by Man on May 31, 2010 at 6:56 PM · Report this
this is quite a rather confusing and meandering piece of writing I have ever seen. It was hard to follow and it wasn't until the end did I under stand who "he" was and "you" was and why this guy who roughed you up was part and parcel with all of your friends.

Jeez louise, get some better friends. Stop feeling so shitty about yourself that you've allowed yourself to be bullied by an obvious no brain asshole - and then get sucked into all this drama about these friends and their opinion of you. Damn, that's you're problem right there. Who gives a crap what these people think.

And for the love of god, take some writing courses!
Posted by LZito on May 31, 2010 at 8:29 PM · Report this
ok, the amount of callousness and cruelty in the reply section here is actually disgusting. an abusive relationship is in part defined by the victim's inability to leave the relationship, due to whatever reason (lack of social network or financial stability, feelings of inadequacy and helplessness, plain and simple fear of violence or threats of reprisal). if the victims of dv could leave, then there would be no violent relationships (people don't just choose to remain in those situations for fun).

nearly one in three women has been in an abusive relationship, and one in ten men. think about that statistic when you think about your friends and family, people you care about. odds are, at least one of them has been in a similar situation to this, and yet why have you not heard about it? because your jokes and insensitivity have precluded even a one of those people to feel comfortable opening up to you about his or her situation. hope that brings it home to you.
Posted by asdfqwer on June 1, 2010 at 12:39 PM · Report this
Dear Anonymous: If you happen to read these comments, please don't listen to the angry, mean-spirited people here who have nothing better to do than heap verbal abuse on a stranger who had a bad experience. You were in a terrible, abusive relationship and turned to someone you trusted for help. He failed you. Your former friends failed you. It's not your fault. Ignore the bizarrely hate-filled people who say it was. Abusive relationships are notoriously difficult to leave. You were traumatized, and you deserve loving relationships, just like every human being. If you can, go and see a therapist, and perhaps do some healing work with EMDR. Whatever you do, please recognize: It's not your fault.
Posted by anony on June 2, 2010 at 3:28 AM · Report this
Yeah, LZito, cause you're a fucking literary genius. Check out that perfect syntax & punctuation!
Posted by zerbo on June 3, 2010 at 1:27 PM · Report this
Thank you to asdfqwer & anony and others who've posted support for Anon.
I used to expect better from Stranger readers than spite & abuse & shaming directed toward a person who could be closer to them than they realize.
Abuse happens. It's mind-numbingliy shitty. You deserve help, safety, and respect, Anon. And you deserve love. Take care of yourself.
And thank you for being brave enough to call out abuse when you lived it.
Posted by zerbo on June 3, 2010 at 1:36 PM · Report this
Sorry this happened to you, Anon. Glad you got out.
Posted by MichelleZB on June 6, 2010 at 7:57 PM · Report this
yucca flower 35
Wow, there's a whole lotta douche up in this thread! Slog must be being trolled by teabagger dicks.
Posted by yucca flower on June 9, 2010 at 7:15 PM · Report this
yucca@35, yes, all these self-rioghteous assholes telling her to do what she, in fact, has already decided to do, learn the lesson she, in fact, has already learned.
Posted by ellarosa on July 7, 2010 at 10:52 AM · Report this

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