Dear Officer Overly Friendly
I couldn't help but notice that you spend a lot of time chatting with all the young white girls in the bars on Capitol Hill, especially me. Shouldn't you be doing your job, like looking for criminals? When you asked me for my phone number, I felt really creeped out—because not only are you way older than me and married, you are on the clock as a public servant. You are supposed to be watching for trouble, not watching my ass. I don't know if you think that badge is a turn-on or that girls won't turn you down 'cause they're afraid of a cop, but seriously—get a fucking life and go home to your wife!