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I suck at writing thank-you notes. Yes, I am a shitty self-involved human being for being a non-thank-you-note-writing person. You all talk about me behind my back for it, you all complain to my husband about it. Funny, none of you helped me pay for my wedding, and every single one of you had an opinion about where it should be held and what time of day it should occur. I don't want your gifts if I am going to be cast in a horrible light for not killing trees and wasting time on something that is going to be thrown away when you get it. And why do you not think my husband is the bad person for not writing the notes? Why is it always the woman's fault? 
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3
The killing trees excuse is a joke. If you accept the gifts (are you giving them back?) then it's only polite to thank people for them. Formally.
And yes, your husband is also at fault for not writing them. Both of you need to sit down and do it.
And yes, your husband is also at fault for not writing them. Both of you need to sit down and do it.
5
Wow! What a bitch?! Are you actually wanting other people to feel guilty and/or ashamed for being involved and enthusiastic about your wedding, then buying you a nice gift!?!
I think it's pathetic that you held a party to celebrate you and your husband, accepted gifts and love from your guests, and now can't be bothered to thank them properly.
Of course they feel alienated! That's really wrong and you need to CHECK YOURSELF!
I think it's pathetic that you held a party to celebrate you and your husband, accepted gifts and love from your guests, and now can't be bothered to thank them properly.
Of course they feel alienated! That's really wrong and you need to CHECK YOURSELF!
6
I totally and completely agree with you. My wedding experience was nightmarish, despite the fact I truly went out of my way to accommodate everyone and was the opposite of Bridezilla. Obviously, if I had been selfish and bitchy and overbearing, they would have treated me well. By the time the horror show was over, I wrote a few notes to a few kind people and said screw the rest of it. I hope they ALL still cast my name out there as the bride who never wrote thank you notes BECAUSE I DON'T GIVE A FUCK.
7
I totally agree with other posters. Boring - AND it's just plain good manners to send thank you cards for wedding gifts. If you're not mature enough to realize that you probably shouldn't be married.
8
Right now, darling, right now your new husband is reading this and he is realizing what a lucky lucky man he is.
9
I could write a book about all of the experiences I've had with my awful in laws (and have enough left over for a monthly magazine lol) but I still write them thank you notes if they send gifts. You and your husband need to grow up and show some fucking class!
10
Yes, it sucks that the husband doesn't take equal blame for not writing thank you notes – but he looks bad for marring a lazy woman with no manors.
HA! Killing trees is your excuse? Well, go green and send an email… just find some way to thank the people that spent money on you. Yes - you spent money on the guests at the wedding, and they repaid you with a gift, now it’s your turn to invest TIME in thanking them. Get over yourself.
HA! Killing trees is your excuse? Well, go green and send an email… just find some way to thank the people that spent money on you. Yes - you spent money on the guests at the wedding, and they repaid you with a gift, now it’s your turn to invest TIME in thanking them. Get over yourself.
11
A) You suck and you are a lazy piece of shit.
B) "Killing trees?" Why not buy recycled card asshole? If your friend don't recycle/compost the cards, then they are the tree killers. Send a fucking email.
C) I am sure all the packaging, that your presents arrive in, is not a gigantic waste of resources. If you really gave a shit about the environment you would not accept those types of gifts in the first place.
D) Your husband sounds like a lazy piece of shit as well -- you deserve each other. My wife made me write notes to my friends and family.
E) Wedding is for you and the reception is for your guests. Get over it.
B) "Killing trees?" Why not buy recycled card asshole? If your friend don't recycle/compost the cards, then they are the tree killers. Send a fucking email.
C) I am sure all the packaging, that your presents arrive in, is not a gigantic waste of resources. If you really gave a shit about the environment you would not accept those types of gifts in the first place.
D) Your husband sounds like a lazy piece of shit as well -- you deserve each other. My wife made me write notes to my friends and family.
E) Wedding is for you and the reception is for your guests. Get over it.
12
Granted, it's piss poor form to insult a person to her face -- or to her husband's face -- for not writing thank-you notes. The thank-you note is about courtesy and graciousness, and the gift-giving guests basically forfeit their higher ground when they decided to bitch publicly about it.
I can understand the fury in having to sit down *now* and write notes, as if those gossipy horrors were *correct* to harp on about this.
But yes, you should have written the notes in the first place. Sucking at it doesn't count. "Not killing trees" doesn't count. (If the environment is that much of a priority for you, maybe you shouldn't have a wedding? Social events of even moderate sizes generally aren't ecologically sound.)
I can understand the fury in having to sit down *now* and write notes, as if those gossipy horrors were *correct* to harp on about this.
But yes, you should have written the notes in the first place. Sucking at it doesn't count. "Not killing trees" doesn't count. (If the environment is that much of a priority for you, maybe you shouldn't have a wedding? Social events of even moderate sizes generally aren't ecologically sound.)
13
Oh right, and your husband should be getting his fair share of notes. Should really go without saying.
14
I wonder how many thank you notes you could have hammered out in the time it took you to write this immature little rant.
15
For crying out loud, it's not rocket surgery! How hard is it to write a thank you note?
Dear So-and-So,
Thank you for the ________. It (/is lovely/is beautiful/is really unique/will really come in handy).
Take care/Love/Sincerely,
Blah J. Blah
----If you don't want to "kill trees" you could always email, text or say it on the phone.
Dear So-and-So,
Thank you for the ________. It (/is lovely/is beautiful/is really unique/will really come in handy).
Take care/Love/Sincerely,
Blah J. Blah
----If you don't want to "kill trees" you could always email, text or say it on the phone.
16
If you accepted the gifts, you have to write thank-you notes. If you didn't want to write notes, then you shouldn't have set up a wedding registry and you should have specified "no gifts" on the invitation.
You can't complain that the wedding etiquette that compelled people to buy gifts also compels you to thank them for those gifts. You had the option to short-circuit the process, and you chose to receive shiny gifts instead. Own up to it.
You can't complain that the wedding etiquette that compelled people to buy gifts also compels you to thank them for those gifts. You had the option to short-circuit the process, and you chose to receive shiny gifts instead. Own up to it.
17
I happen to despise thank-you notes, so I am not nearly as condemnatory of this I, Anonymous as most of you here.
However, I don't like gifts either. To me gifts and thank-you notes are part of the same set of social obligations that I hate. So I agree that you shouldn't have accepted wedding gifts if you didn't want to write (or your spouse didn't want to write) thank-you notes.
However, I don't like gifts either. To me gifts and thank-you notes are part of the same set of social obligations that I hate. So I agree that you shouldn't have accepted wedding gifts if you didn't want to write (or your spouse didn't want to write) thank-you notes.
18
@10
Wow, I love contextual misspellings...
"...but he looks bad for marring a lazy woman with no manors."
I'm sure glad he didn't maim a lazy woman because she wasn't rich enough to own more than one large house.
Wow, I love contextual misspellings...
"...but he looks bad for marring a lazy woman with no manors."
I'm sure glad he didn't maim a lazy woman because she wasn't rich enough to own more than one large house.
19
Consensus seems to be you are an a-hole. People went to a store with you in mind. That took at least an hour of their time. They probably spent at least $50. If you went through the formality and pomp and circumstance of a wedding, you can do the societally-prescribed thank you note.
20
Wow -- a passive-aggressive/hipster bridezilla, and after the event, too!
Look, I, Anon -- saying (or writing) "thank you" to someone who has given you something is called "politeness". If I were one of your friends who had spent the time and money to buy you a wedding present and didn't get so much as a *verbal* "thank you", you would be on my shitlist forever. As in never ever ever call me to help you ever again (ie, as in moving; jump-starting your stalled car in the middle of the night) because I'd have your number blocked.
Why? Because you're a self-centered asshole.
And @17: You're just as bad -- or even worse.
The only nice thing about the LW and @17 is they're going to die lonely and it will be their own damn fault.
Look, I, Anon -- saying (or writing) "thank you" to someone who has given you something is called "politeness". If I were one of your friends who had spent the time and money to buy you a wedding present and didn't get so much as a *verbal* "thank you", you would be on my shitlist forever. As in never ever ever call me to help you ever again (ie, as in moving; jump-starting your stalled car in the middle of the night) because I'd have your number blocked.
Why? Because you're a self-centered asshole.
And @17: You're just as bad -- or even worse.
The only nice thing about the LW and @17 is they're going to die lonely and it will be their own damn fault.
21
Oh, and I'm not usually this bitterly misanthropic -- it's just that the LW and @17 seem so *proud* of their selfishness and rudeness that set me off.
23
Two items:
1) You are a dumb twat and surely deserve the "behind the back" comments. No, guests did not help pay for your wedding but they surely paid for the gifts they gave you. Grow up and stop sucking at life.
2) Is this really the best I, Anonymous available for the week?
1) You are a dumb twat and surely deserve the "behind the back" comments. No, guests did not help pay for your wedding but they surely paid for the gifts they gave you. Grow up and stop sucking at life.
2) Is this really the best I, Anonymous available for the week?
24
God, people get so melodramatic here that it cracks me up.
I didn't write very many of my wedding thank-you notes either. I didn't have a registry or expect anyone to get us stuff, but of course they still did. After we married we immediately needed to focus on moving. And we are lazy. Horrible excuses, I know. But we are only human. I guess I am lucky to have a rational family and inlaws that won't hold that sort of thing against us forever, unlike the OP. It's a little rude to not write them, yes, but it is not a grave insult to the gift giver.
Frankly, her relatives sound a little bit off if they have nothing better to do than fume and bitch behind her back about not getting a thank-you note. Maybe she didn't have the greatest relationships with her prospective in-laws to begin with and that made things worse or something. And I agree that the husband is partly to blame, as is my husband for not participating in the writing.
I didn't write very many of my wedding thank-you notes either. I didn't have a registry or expect anyone to get us stuff, but of course they still did. After we married we immediately needed to focus on moving. And we are lazy. Horrible excuses, I know. But we are only human. I guess I am lucky to have a rational family and inlaws that won't hold that sort of thing against us forever, unlike the OP. It's a little rude to not write them, yes, but it is not a grave insult to the gift giver.
Frankly, her relatives sound a little bit off if they have nothing better to do than fume and bitch behind her back about not getting a thank-you note. Maybe she didn't have the greatest relationships with her prospective in-laws to begin with and that made things worse or something. And I agree that the husband is partly to blame, as is my husband for not participating in the writing.
25
You know what? A lot of those people probably didn't really want to go to your wedding. A lot of people hate weddings - but they went FOR YOU and they spent money ON YOU and you can't even be bothered to spend 30 seconds writing a thank you note? Fuck you.
26
You have got to be kidding me. How can you be so fucking self righteous about something like this? You were given gifts. Thank you cards need to be written. You write them? He writes them? You both write something sweet on the same card? People chose to do something nice for you. Their time. Their money. I'm assuming they cared enough about either one of you to do so, so go buy some cards, grab a pen and grow the fuck up.
27
what a fucking bitch. i agree with what anonymous is saying about her husband and him being at fault also. but you know what, you're friends who are telling your husband-and not you-are probably doing so because they consider him to be the more approachable of the two of you. and that's probably true since clearly you are a bitch and don't value your friends...if you don't want to send thank you notes for the presents you claim to not want why didn't you just fucking tell people when inviting them that this is a no-gift wedding? oh yeah, i know why. it's because you are selfish.
29
I'm with the non-TY-writers. At certain events, people just give you gifts and like the letter writer, I'd rather get no gifts than be expected to pay for them with thank you notes. Time is money but really, I'm just that lazy. I guess I'll just start asking people not to give me gifts, even though that (or returning the gifts) is also considered very rude. I'm not mean but I honestly don't like forced social contact like that. But don't say I'm morally decrepit or unfair for not writing the notes when I didn't want the damn gifts to begin with or I told people not to get me anything -- and when returning them is viewed as even more rude. Also, I expect thank you notes from nobody. Eventually, though, if you don't write the notes, those who require thank-you notes for their gifts will 'punish' you by not giving you any more gifts and staying out of your social circle, so it works itself out.
And yes, it is usually considered the woman's duty to write the notes -- in this day and age! Bullshit.
And yes, it is usually considered the woman's duty to write the notes -- in this day and age! Bullshit.
30
Also, if the friends are close friends, you give gifts reciprocally over the years and thank each other in person, so I don't think notes are required. And if the 'friends' aren't close -- why are you giving me gifts, you creep? Stop your passive-aggressive attempts at making me your friend!
31
Hey listen, your guests' feelings are valid. You really should thank them for their gifts. Do what I did and write one per day until they are all written. Mail them off in batches once per week. If you want your husband's help, COMMUNICATE with him, sit down together for 5 minutes each night, write a note each. Soon you will be done.
32
Mel, you should thank family for their gifts, especially for events like a wedding. If you know that your friends don't expect a note, fine, don't give them one. And if someone makes any attempt to be your friend, have some compassion for them. You should appreciate that they are offering friendship. You don't sound like a very kind nor caring person.
33
you and your husband BOTH suck for not saying thank you for your gifts. how f*cking ungrateful can you be???? if you wanted to save trees you should have at least emailed or called everyone to thank them. your attitude is so sh*tty i doubt your marriage will last long you negative creep.
34
If you want to get married and don't want to write thank-you notes, you have a quiet ceremony with a justice of the peace in front of the necessary witnesses. You don't bother with a typical wedding. You bought into the social obligations that come with that when you held a typical wedding. Deal with it.
36
Bloody hell - good manners cost nothing! The time you spent writing this bitter passive-aggressive crap could have been better employed sending a round robin, tree-preserving e-mail to your wedding guests just saying: "Thank you all for the presents".
37
It's tedious and tiresome, but it really should be done. Get however many cards you need. Write on each of them, "Thank you for your lovely wedding gift. It was greatly appreciated." Or whatever. You get all this done by spending about 3 minutes per card, maximum. You don't have to be sincere, particularly personal or anything else. Just get it done. People remember when they don't get notes. It matters. Do it, you stupid woman. You had the wedding, got the gifts and it's now your duty. You want hubby to help? Fine, make him. But the duty is yours.
38
Seconding @34! You have a wedding that is more than going to the courthouse, people want to give gifts. You get to write thank you notes.
Those few minutes of your time acknowledges the time and expense your guests went to in coming. As much as giving a wedding can be expensive, attending one is not necessarily cheap either: hotel room, gift, driving or flight/rental car, days off work if you are far away. I spent over $1200 going to a friend's MONDAY (2 days off work) wedding and would have been PISSED to not get a card.
We had a small wedding and still managed to get to write 40+ notes. I did 5 a night, made the husband address, stamp, and seal them, and we were done in a few weeks. We spent maybe 20 minutes a night on it since he wanted to read what I wrote (not sure why, they were all variations on "TYVM for coming to the wedding, it was special. The gift is cool too. <3 us")
Those few minutes of your time acknowledges the time and expense your guests went to in coming. As much as giving a wedding can be expensive, attending one is not necessarily cheap either: hotel room, gift, driving or flight/rental car, days off work if you are far away. I spent over $1200 going to a friend's MONDAY (2 days off work) wedding and would have been PISSED to not get a card.
We had a small wedding and still managed to get to write 40+ notes. I did 5 a night, made the husband address, stamp, and seal them, and we were done in a few weeks. We spent maybe 20 minutes a night on it since he wanted to read what I wrote (not sure why, they were all variations on "TYVM for coming to the wedding, it was special. The gift is cool too. <3 us")
39
If you give someone something with an expectation of something in return, I'm pretty sure that it's not a gift. Isn't that how buying stuff works?
40
Anon, I'm surprised that you can find the I, Anon section, type up a few sentences, and send it off.
Because you failed to find the many, many online services which will auto-send thank-you notes for you. You can even select from pre-written messages and have their name auto-filled. Just upload your wedding RSVP list, select a card, a message, put in your credit card info, and press send.
You could be done with this in 20 minutes. Here's one site that came up on Google, but there's many others. http://www.us.popcarte.com/special/postc…
Suck it up and be thankful--- it's a skill you'll need in your marriage.
Because you failed to find the many, many online services which will auto-send thank-you notes for you. You can even select from pre-written messages and have their name auto-filled. Just upload your wedding RSVP list, select a card, a message, put in your credit card info, and press send.
You could be done with this in 20 minutes. Here's one site that came up on Google, but there's many others. http://www.us.popcarte.com/special/postc…
Suck it up and be thankful--- it's a skill you'll need in your marriage.
41
Look, you self-involved little harpy, the only time you can get away with not sending a thank you note is when you received no gift. Period.
If you are concerned about trees, get your sorry, selfish ass to a proper stationer and buy some good paper made from ragstock and recycled paper.
I pity your new husband for having married a woman so disinterested in making others feel appreciated.
If you are concerned about trees, get your sorry, selfish ass to a proper stationer and buy some good paper made from ragstock and recycled paper.
I pity your new husband for having married a woman so disinterested in making others feel appreciated.
42
Let me clarify- Husbands are not exempt from needing to say "Thank you". I singled out the husband for pity because she actually wrote this incredibly bitter, petty rant not because he should not have had to write notes.
43
Wow. I remember after my bat mitzvah, when I was 13, my dad made me sit down and write thank you notes for all my gifts. It was tedious and hellish and I obviously wanted to just go outside and be 13 (my bat mitzvah was over summer break). But now I really appreciate it. I write thank you notes for every gift I receive; if for some extreme reason I don't have time, I definitely make a quick phone call. It is just decent behaviour! People give you gifts to show they care and appreciate knowing that you give a shit about them too. Geez.
44
@39: Not really. Plenty of cultures engage in gift economies, which are often just nice ways of redistributing resources or establishing social peace.
The idea that "a real gift comes with no strings" is sort of a recent, lovey-feely invention, and also used as a bullshit excuse by passive-aggressive hermits to be rude. Really? "Thank you" -- not an owed favour, not future gifts -- is now a "string"?
The idea that "a real gift comes with no strings" is sort of a recent, lovey-feely invention, and also used as a bullshit excuse by passive-aggressive hermits to be rude. Really? "Thank you" -- not an owed favour, not future gifts -- is now a "string"?
45
I actually don't see a problem with not writing thank you notes. If you give a gift, are you doing so under the condition that you will be praised and thanked?
Gifts are not conditional in my opinion. Thank you note, or not. Maybe these people shouldn't have given the gifts is the attention is what they were looking for.
Gifts are not conditional in my opinion. Thank you note, or not. Maybe these people shouldn't have given the gifts is the attention is what they were looking for.
46
Dear people who took the time and spent their own money to purchase gifts and attend my wedding, presumably because they are friends or family and love or care about me:
Fuck you!
signed,
Anonymous.
Fuck you!
signed,
Anonymous.
47
Oh get over yourselves, isn't saying "thank you" at your wedding enough? Who the fuck needs a thank you note to feel duly appreciated besides the shallow? Get real, you give someone a gift, they say "thank you!" and you feel good about giving it. Sitting around waiting for a piece of paper and then talking shit if you don't get one sounds a lot lamer than someone who doesn't want to buy a pack of fucking pre-written cards and fill them out for no other reason than to soothe your apparently fragile ego. Sorry! ^_^
48
Holy shit, I dont think I've ever seen so many commenter's in such agreement on any "I Anonmyous" before. Kinda neat.
Yes, you are fucking selfish, it's not that hard to write a thank you note. In taking the gifts you essentially agreed to standard wedding etiquette. Get busy sista'.
Yes, you are fucking selfish, it's not that hard to write a thank you note. In taking the gifts you essentially agreed to standard wedding etiquette. Get busy sista'.
49
@46 FTW. What a privileged bitch! "How dare you guys not pay for my wedding! How dare you expect thanks for your gifts! Thanking you is a waste of my time and trees!!!!"
50
First of all, the thank you note is socially determined to be a must, so yes if you have a wedding and gifts/registry is a part of it, you must send the notes. I agree it's a pain in the ass, but you can't shirk your part of the bargain. A traditional wedding is ridiculous anyways -- i have no sympathy for those that do it and then complain about the hassles. It's not like there isn't plenty of examples to judge the experience by.
Secondly, I could not agree with you more about the stupidity of those who criticize you but not you husband about the notes. But again, it's part of the gender-disparity at the heart of a traditional wedding. A friend of mine got married, got lots of gifts. Her husband was unemployed at the time. I called the house shortly after to talk to her, he answered, and without me saying a single word about gifts, weddings, notes, he said to me "Sorry, J---- hasn't got those thank you notes out yet, she's been busy." I immediately came back with "Well why don't you do them? You're not working." He was caught off guard, laughed, and said he'd let her know I called. Total loser.
Secondly, I could not agree with you more about the stupidity of those who criticize you but not you husband about the notes. But again, it's part of the gender-disparity at the heart of a traditional wedding. A friend of mine got married, got lots of gifts. Her husband was unemployed at the time. I called the house shortly after to talk to her, he answered, and without me saying a single word about gifts, weddings, notes, he said to me "Sorry, J---- hasn't got those thank you notes out yet, she's been busy." I immediately came back with "Well why don't you do them? You're not working." He was caught off guard, laughed, and said he'd let her know I called. Total loser.
51
I wouldn't talk about you behind your back for this. I would walk straight up to you and tell you that you are a piece of trash. People spent money buying you gifts and time attending your wedding and you are not even going to formally thank them? I wonder what kind of a trashy-ass wedding you had, given your stance on doing the proper, classy thing. Entitlement is quite an ugly thing - displayed in its sincerest form here. Good luck with your marriage.
52
wow...ungrateful...no wonder your friends are backstabbing you..clue in and write the Thank yous already!
53
Also? When I don't receive a thank-you note I wonder, "Was my gift not received? Was it lost in the mail? Stolen at the reception? Separated from its gift card so the bride and groom didn't know who it was from?" These are all situations I'd like to be aware of. There's a practical aspect to writing thank-you notes in addition to basic, simple, common fucking courtesy.
54
Admittedly, I did not send thank you notes after my wedding, but I did a big thank you during our wedding dinner to thank everyone from the cockles of my heart for flying to Vegas and partying down with us.
I think that if you say a heartfelt thank you to people face to face, you can forgo the thank you cards.
However, you don't get to have a shitty poor-me attitude about it when people call you out for NOT having at least SAID "thank you." That is just assy behavior.
I think that if you say a heartfelt thank you to people face to face, you can forgo the thank you cards.
However, you don't get to have a shitty poor-me attitude about it when people call you out for NOT having at least SAID "thank you." That is just assy behavior.
55
Loved @8.
Newsflash if you bred and have a baby shower you are going to need to write thank you notes again.
Newsflash if you bred and have a baby shower you are going to need to write thank you notes again.
58
Why does a person give a gift? If it's a tit-for-tat thing, then fuck 'em. People who give a genuine gift don't need the recognition and should understand all the different pieces swirling in the air surrounding two newlyweds (especially if they both just planned and executed their own wedding). "Thank you"s are a polite gesture, but, yes, they will be recycled almost immediately after arriving, and I think it's the same people who send that send holiday cards (i.e. traditional freaks). Take a load off. No biggie.
59
When someone sends you a gift, you send a nice thank you card. That's just the way the world works. Get over it (and yourself).
61
Wow, lady, got the hint yet?
I agree, you are selfish to not thank them formally. You sent out invitations, no? They gave you the gift thinking you were one type of person, the type that APPRECIATES them for their efforts, like showing up to your wedding and welcoming you into their family.
How you receive a gift say a lot about you too, your graciousness, class, etc... and, obviously, how you will be received by your new family.
This letter is chock full of undue resentment. Lighten up!
I agree, you are selfish to not thank them formally. You sent out invitations, no? They gave you the gift thinking you were one type of person, the type that APPRECIATES them for their efforts, like showing up to your wedding and welcoming you into their family.
How you receive a gift say a lot about you too, your graciousness, class, etc... and, obviously, how you will be received by your new family.
This letter is chock full of undue resentment. Lighten up!
62
You're all idiots. A spoken, or called, thank you, or why the fuck not a thank you in person upon recieving the gift, is fine. No one keeps thank you cards, people don't even like them, they're just a fucking checkbox.
63
"Funny, none of you helped me pay for my wedding..."
WTF? Since when is it someone else's responsibility to pay for your wedding?
Even if it was family and they had opinions about what you should do, who cares? You do what you want and what you can afford. End of story. And then you (along with hubby) write your damn thank you notes!
WTF? Since when is it someone else's responsibility to pay for your wedding?
Even if it was family and they had opinions about what you should do, who cares? You do what you want and what you can afford. End of story. And then you (along with hubby) write your damn thank you notes!
64
Entitled bitch. You probably registered a pile of the most expensive crap at the most expensive store and then invited 300-500 people (some of whom you barely know or have barely spoken to in years) to "score" the most cash and prizes. Now you're bitching and whining because the people who lugged their butts to "your special day" expect you to say thanks for the time, expense, and trouble they went to so you could be a "princess".
Yeah, it's unfair they're not on your husband too, but you still owe everyone who came or sent money or a gift a 'thank you'. Sit both your butts down and write them...and don't send some passive aggressive crap, either. Make it a real, sincere thanks because if you don't you'll regret it...as soon as you have your 300-500 person baby shower and nobody shows.
Yeah, it's unfair they're not on your husband too, but you still owe everyone who came or sent money or a gift a 'thank you'. Sit both your butts down and write them...and don't send some passive aggressive crap, either. Make it a real, sincere thanks because if you don't you'll regret it...as soon as you have your 300-500 person baby shower and nobody shows.
65
People respond to things based on how they were raised---their own family dynamic. Note the people who say, "Calm down, it's no big deal" because it is, in fact, no big deal in their family. Note the people that are like "Bitch, it's just common decency" often follow that up with an anecdote about how they were taught to do it, at some point, by their parents.
The latter are taught that etiquette is a minimal sign of human dignity, or of class. Like it or not---and rebel against it all you want---but gestures like these will always be a reflection of class.
The real problem with etiquette is that when you DON'T do it (for whatever reason, you don't know, or it's utter BS, etc.) you can sorely offend the person who was taught it is important.
So the issue with weddings is that you're inviting people from OTHER family dynamics and beliefs. You know about the expectation, and that it's a big deal to some, so you feel the pressure, and have to make a decision. Do you want to spin the wheel and find out if they hate you forever over something so dumb/meaningless to you?
If it is daunting: Ignore the crippling layers and just make a decision. But try to stop blaming other people, or "society", for your own neurosis.
The latter are taught that etiquette is a minimal sign of human dignity, or of class. Like it or not---and rebel against it all you want---but gestures like these will always be a reflection of class.
The real problem with etiquette is that when you DON'T do it (for whatever reason, you don't know, or it's utter BS, etc.) you can sorely offend the person who was taught it is important.
So the issue with weddings is that you're inviting people from OTHER family dynamics and beliefs. You know about the expectation, and that it's a big deal to some, so you feel the pressure, and have to make a decision. Do you want to spin the wheel and find out if they hate you forever over something so dumb/meaningless to you?
If it is daunting: Ignore the crippling layers and just make a decision. But try to stop blaming other people, or "society", for your own neurosis.
67
Manners matter.
It is how we treat one another daily that maintains civility. Once that erodes what are we left with? Snarling hostility that degenerates as the mood of communities becomes more rancorous, unpleasant, resentful and inconsiderate.
So congratulations Anonymous, you made the world a worse place by not acknowledging the kindness and generosity of your guests: you are the barbarian at the gate.
It is how we treat one another daily that maintains civility. Once that erodes what are we left with? Snarling hostility that degenerates as the mood of communities becomes more rancorous, unpleasant, resentful and inconsiderate.
So congratulations Anonymous, you made the world a worse place by not acknowledging the kindness and generosity of your guests: you are the barbarian at the gate.
68
This bride needs to be kicked hard in the box! What a lazy selfish twat! I doubt the people who will attend her next wedding ( the present husband will wise up to what a lazy freak he married ) will so forthcoming with getting her gifts.
69
In this part of the world, writing thank you notes will be an insult....we warmly thank the guests at a marriage for their presence and a prompt phone call thanking them for their lovely/unique/ gift
70
Pour a glass of white wine, pop in a DVD of some TV show you need to catch up on, and write the damn notes. And no, you do not get points for pulling the feminist card.
Real feminists make their fiancees sit down and address the invitations with them....and later on, expect help with thank yous, Christmas cards, gift wrapping, and helping the kids dye their Easter eggs. If you establish that it is your responsibility now, and that is what you are doing by not pressing him to share in the tasks, then you are looking at decades of drudgery in the future. Unless you are like me, and actually find happiness is thanking people, wrapping their presents, in which case his sloppy use of scotch tape will just drive you mad.
Real feminists make their fiancees sit down and address the invitations with them....and later on, expect help with thank yous, Christmas cards, gift wrapping, and helping the kids dye their Easter eggs. If you establish that it is your responsibility now, and that is what you are doing by not pressing him to share in the tasks, then you are looking at decades of drudgery in the future. Unless you are like me, and actually find happiness is thanking people, wrapping their presents, in which case his sloppy use of scotch tape will just drive you mad.
72
When I was seventeen, I wrote all my relatives thank-you notes for Christmas. (I have a huge family, and I hated doing it because of that.) Two weeks later, my father showed me an email from my aunt — it was scolding all of her nieces and nephews, saying "Mom send out gifts to all of you, and she received only one thank-you note."
Now I always write my thank-yous.
Now I always write my thank-yous.
73
After reading some of the comments and thinking about some of my own situations (and not being married), here are my own humble conlcusions about the appropriateness of Thank You notes:
1) If the gift-giving event is small, informal, and includes only close friends and/or family (ie, a birthday party), and the gifts are opened on the spot, then a verbal TY is sufficient.
2) As a corollary to #1, if the [small, informal] event is in celebration of something that does not/should not occur annually (ie, wedding, anniversary, baby shower), then a TY note in addition to the verbal TY would be very nice.
3) At certain events (ie, large wedding, baby shower for a first child, a milestone wedding anniversary) it is OK to give a generic verbal TY, but individual TY notes should follow.
4) If an invited guest cannot attend the event and still sends a gift, then a TY note is REQUIRED.
1) If the gift-giving event is small, informal, and includes only close friends and/or family (ie, a birthday party), and the gifts are opened on the spot, then a verbal TY is sufficient.
2) As a corollary to #1, if the [small, informal] event is in celebration of something that does not/should not occur annually (ie, wedding, anniversary, baby shower), then a TY note in addition to the verbal TY would be very nice.
3) At certain events (ie, large wedding, baby shower for a first child, a milestone wedding anniversary) it is OK to give a generic verbal TY, but individual TY notes should follow.
4) If an invited guest cannot attend the event and still sends a gift, then a TY note is REQUIRED.
74
1. I am amazed how many people care about this (especially enough to call the writer some pretty horrible names...we are pretty desensitized when being "impolite" warrants branding someone a whore...seems to me that the name-callers are pretty impolite and disproportionate in their abuse).
2. It costs money and a lot of effort to throw a wedding: the bride is clearly frustrated with having put in a lot of effort and hearing through the grape-vine that the last little thing which she didn't get to is being used as the basis of gossip against her. The appropriate thing would be for a friend or family member who viewed this as important to talk to her directly saying that many other friends and family would probably appreciate a note AND offer to help her ("Stationary is fun, and I'd love to help out by picking up some great recycled blah blah blah.")
3. When you are about to buy a gift or commit to go to a wedding, ask yourself whether you will be seething with rage if you are not given a pat on the back when it is received: if the answer is yes, then don't buy it or go to the wedding. If the pat on the back is all that is holding you back from resenting the giftee/person whose occasion is being celebrated, opting out will be better for you and better for them.
2. It costs money and a lot of effort to throw a wedding: the bride is clearly frustrated with having put in a lot of effort and hearing through the grape-vine that the last little thing which she didn't get to is being used as the basis of gossip against her. The appropriate thing would be for a friend or family member who viewed this as important to talk to her directly saying that many other friends and family would probably appreciate a note AND offer to help her ("Stationary is fun, and I'd love to help out by picking up some great recycled blah blah blah.")
3. When you are about to buy a gift or commit to go to a wedding, ask yourself whether you will be seething with rage if you are not given a pat on the back when it is received: if the answer is yes, then don't buy it or go to the wedding. If the pat on the back is all that is holding you back from resenting the giftee/person whose occasion is being celebrated, opting out will be better for you and better for them.
75
Also, it gets a lot harder to write a sincere thank you note when you know someone was trashing you behind your back. I would have a pretty hard time not writing some super sugary passive aggressive stuff. Best of luck, I anon.
76
wow. some people need to lay off. I completely get where you're coming from! Nobody needs to be talking shit behind your back for not writing thank you notes. On the other hand it is nice to get a thank you. so for those ppl in your everyday life, maybe a quick personal "thank you" in person makes more sense, but yeah! why take the time to write out a bunch of unsincere thank yous that ppl will eventually be thrown away!! there's no need for ppl to complain about it. I mean it is your wedding after all. ppl need to grow up!
77
Thank you voiceofreason. I couldnt help but chuckle at the irony of the above comments berating the woman for her lack of civility and class yet at the same time feeling it appropriate to identify someone they have never met as a lazy bitch and a whore. Take heart anonymous, Im sure your wedding was beautiful day for you and your guests and I hope you and your husband have a long and happy life together.
81
I find that the only thing that makes me feel better when I feel slighted is to rise up, dust off my petty disdain and do the right thing. I've watched my mother sink down into a sour, selfish unhappy woman who has alienated all her friends and relatives because she felt slighted because they told her what to do or didn't immediately return her call. It's all everyone else's fault, and always will be. The only person whose behavior and happiness you can affect is yours. So write the fucking notes already, you will feel like the better person.
83
I strongly support this bride. Thank you notes are a huge waste of time and should not be mandatory. Do them if you enjoy them, but don't do them out of some fucked-up sense of obligation, especially if the relatives in question are clearly assholes as in this case. After putting in a lot of work for this wedding so everyone else could get drunk and eat free food, and having to deal with starting a marriage, the last thing she should be worried about is writing letters that will get thrown out 30 seconds after they're opened.
84
Then return the gifts, you ungrateful slut.
Voila! No need for those damned, pesky thank you notes.
Voila! No need for those damned, pesky thank you notes.
85
@83, it's not like having a big wedding is mandatory. Mine only had 25 guests. If your wedding is so big that you can't even think about thanking people for gifts (even on the phone, email) then you should have scaled it back to something manageable.
86
I don't give repeat gifts to people who don't acknowledge them. If you're not happy with notes written on paper, then use email, telephone, telegram, carrier pigeon or whatever, but get busy thanking the people who thought enough of you to go through the effort and expense of sending you a gift. It's not optional, and you'll damage relationships by refusing to do it. Corral the husband, put in a DVD, pour the wine, and start writing some short but sincere notes. You managed to send out the invites, right? Then the thanks should be no problem.
87
@83 Thank you notes are not about the enjoyment of the writer, they're about the enjoyment of the receiver.
This woman is saying "Oh, you'd like me to acknowledge your generosity? Well, fuck you!"
And I don't get it.
This woman is saying "Oh, you'd like me to acknowledge your generosity? Well, fuck you!"
And I don't get it.
88
Wow some of you people just amaze me....you are rude and sling derogatory names at someone you don't know, and then turn around and call THEM immature and lacking class? really?
Personally I hate the whole wedding “tradition” a reason I avoided it in the first place. First you send a save the date card, then an invitation, then you spend months planning a wedding that is NOT for you but for everyone else, they buy a gift and then YOU have to again write out a stupid card.
And it’s the 20th century – why is everything still have to be the women?
I’ll give you a gift for a wedding present – please don’t send me a thank you note, it just gets tossed in the trash….
Personally I hate the whole wedding “tradition” a reason I avoided it in the first place. First you send a save the date card, then an invitation, then you spend months planning a wedding that is NOT for you but for everyone else, they buy a gift and then YOU have to again write out a stupid card.
And it’s the 20th century – why is everything still have to be the women?
I’ll give you a gift for a wedding present – please don’t send me a thank you note, it just gets tossed in the trash….
89
My grandmother would always cut these huge birthday checks for us, being that we are twins obviously we got them the same day. 16th birthday I get my check, which was enough to buy a car (like a piece of shit 500 car but nontheless) and my sister gets jack. She figures hers gets lost in the mail and calls grandma up, and my grandma tells her, you were too busy to write me a thank you card last year, well this year I'm too busy to write your check. Now before anyone thinks my grandma was some evil witch, my sister eventually did get her birthday check with a nice letter from my grandmother explaining why in life such little things are so absolutly important. People might think such things are a waste of paper and unessacary, and I do think in some situations a email is sufficient. But trust me, people remember not getting a thank you, it's just tacky not to do so.
90
Then maybe you shouldn't invite anyone to your next wedding. And considering your selfish attitude, it sounds forthcoming at some point - the world is populated beyond you, but you don't yet realize that, do you?
91
I accept invitations to weddings. I attend a ceremony, and, afterward, a party at which I am served a meal and booze and dance my ass off to a band or DJ, *all on someone else's dime.* The gift I brought is the thanks that *I* owe to *them* for including me in the festivities.
Anon and her spouse accepted gifts from people who accepted a free meal and free booze; sounds even-Steven to me.
Anon and her spouse accepted gifts from people who accepted a free meal and free booze; sounds even-Steven to me.
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