Tools
I'm a closet elitist, but only on the phone, and only when calling for customer support, such as to a credit-card company or airline. I make a snap judgment when the attendant answers my call based on their voice. If I hear a slow drawl, or they sound like they're chewing gum or in any way have difficulty pronouncing/enunciating those few words they have been trained to repeat for every call, I hang up right away and hope to get someone smarter-sounding on my next try.
I feel guilty every time I do it, and I hope their supervisors don't take note of how much it might happen to them. I just don't want to spend the next 5 to 20 minutes of my life listening to "uumm" and mouth-breathing. Oh, and if your job entails answering calls, why oh why would you ever be eating or chewing gum at your station? That one I don't feel bad about at all.
Stranger Personals
And if you tell me to "have a blessed day," I'm filing a complaint. I don't care that you didn't mention God or the Lord. I know what you fucking mean, and I take offense.
Submit your unsigned confession or accusation
here.
Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
1
"Oh, and if your job entails answering calls, why oh why would you ever be eating or chewing gum at your station? That one I don't feel bad about at all."
Because companies do not pay their employees enough to be polite with assholes like you.
Because companies do not pay their employees enough to be polite with assholes like you.
2
i thought i was the only one?!?! do it all the time. i hear a voice familiar to those who NEVER want to help the customer, and only want to get back to playing solitaire or gabbing wit der homies...AND I HANG THE FUCK UP! try again. wait for that pleasant voice, and you will get better service garaun-fuckin-teed! sad but true. if you want any sort of real help on your cable or mobile phone service, wait for that pleasant voice. works every time. BAM!
5
Call center outrage. What an exasperating experience. I am so mad I can't stand it. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
...and then I wondered if any of the Stranger's columns (SL excluded- love ya Dan) were ever any good...
...and then I wondered if any of the Stranger's columns (SL excluded- love ya Dan) were ever any good...
7
It's a good thing you have an outlet with which to unburden yourself of this terrible secret.
Hey, since this IA was so lame, let's write our own! Here's mine:
To the guy at work in the next toilet stall. You maybe thought I didn't notice, but I did. I heard you wiping and wiping and wiping, until your ass must have been rubbed raw as hamburger. And I heard you not flush the toilet. And I saw the full toilet bowl you left behind. And I saw your shoes and the back of your head and I know who you are. And when you see me plug my nose when you walk by, you will know why I am doing it, Stinky. You stink.
Hey, since this IA was so lame, let's write our own! Here's mine:
To the guy at work in the next toilet stall. You maybe thought I didn't notice, but I did. I heard you wiping and wiping and wiping, until your ass must have been rubbed raw as hamburger. And I heard you not flush the toilet. And I saw the full toilet bowl you left behind. And I saw your shoes and the back of your head and I know who you are. And when you see me plug my nose when you walk by, you will know why I am doing it, Stinky. You stink.
12
Huh. I was on the other end of those calls, and when I would answer and hear your self-rightous tone and undeserved overconfidence, I too wanted to hang up. But I couldn't, because serving everyone - even assholes like you - was what I was paid to do. Ironic.
I can't decide for sure, but I think Weismann's picture above is a better representation of I Anon than the people they're complaining about.
I can't decide for sure, but I think Weismann's picture above is a better representation of I Anon than the people they're complaining about.
13
What a douche bag. Bigot is right but audio has nothing to do with it. Let's all thank ________(insert whomever / whatever you believe is responsible for your world so we don't offend the original writer by believing in God) that our world isn't completely full of this type of asshole who is certainly better than everyone else.
14
True story, I was on the phone last night with a software company's call center for an hour. When I heard the Indian voice I almost hung up but decided to be polite and patient. The end result? He upgraded me for free to the latest version. I ended up saving about $180 for being polite so suck it I,Anon!
15
In response to #7:
To people who get on the bus without having their money ready: @#$% you. What were you doing while waiting for said bus to show up? When you stand there fumbling with the change in your pocket, holding up better bus riders, you are selfishly ignoring the fact that you are also holding up the bus from continuing its course. This might not seem like much to you, but when some jackass does this at every stop, it makes everyone late for whatever it was they were getting to. Seriously, wake the fuck up and get some bus manners.
To people who get on the bus without having their money ready: @#$% you. What were you doing while waiting for said bus to show up? When you stand there fumbling with the change in your pocket, holding up better bus riders, you are selfishly ignoring the fact that you are also holding up the bus from continuing its course. This might not seem like much to you, but when some jackass does this at every stop, it makes everyone late for whatever it was they were getting to. Seriously, wake the fuck up and get some bus manners.
16
@ #14, I didn't say shit about Indian (or any foreign) accents so STFU. I wouldn't hang up on that, but you almost did. I hang up on people who can't manage the most basic spoken communication; people for whom English is their first and only language but still haven't gotten the hang of it.
18
What a waste of time, elitist. Do you really sit on hold for 10 minutes and then hang up and do it all over again?
19
16: If you go around eager for an excuse to think less of the wage-slave that is being heavily underpaid to pretend to respect you, then you shouldn't feel guilty. You should feel pathetic.
21
@19: Exactly. I think the folks he/she is hanging up on are the real winners here for not having to put up with such a pathetic and miserable human being.
Oh, and @2: You win the "Overt Racism While Attempting Subtlety Award" for: "gabbing wit der homies." Congrats!
Oh, and @2: You win the "Overt Racism While Attempting Subtlety Award" for: "gabbing wit der homies." Congrats!
22
@21 and the rest; what the fuck ever...
i can't count how many times i get 'jasonda' or 'toshinda' or 'laquisha' smacking their gum in my ear and not helping at all(and yes of course there are shitty service people named joan, and steve). i am patient, and have tried to accomodate. usually doesn't work.
but none of you passive aggresive pussies can admit to anything. you've never had bad customer service. you fuckers love to rip the I,ANON every week, but never try to be honest and relate. you'd rather poke holes and judge.
there are people who suck shit at thier job, and couldn't give a fuck if they help anyone. i made the 'subtle yet overt racist comment' because IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. but no, i'm a crazy racist who lumps everyone together and MUST be wrong because......well because you all are right, of course!
i can't count how many times i get 'jasonda' or 'toshinda' or 'laquisha' smacking their gum in my ear and not helping at all(and yes of course there are shitty service people named joan, and steve). i am patient, and have tried to accomodate. usually doesn't work.
but none of you passive aggresive pussies can admit to anything. you've never had bad customer service. you fuckers love to rip the I,ANON every week, but never try to be honest and relate. you'd rather poke holes and judge.
there are people who suck shit at thier job, and couldn't give a fuck if they help anyone. i made the 'subtle yet overt racist comment' because IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. but no, i'm a crazy racist who lumps everyone together and MUST be wrong because......well because you all are right, of course!
23
#7 has the best idea ever. We should all write real confessions when the I Anon blows. I would start the chain, but I've been the death of no less than 3 Catholic Priests and 2 Army Chaplains when I have unburdened my debauchery and depravity upon them. So... I guess I'll just listen. Go in peace.
24
You know what happens when someone hangs up the moment I rattle off my customer support greeting? I shrug and enjoy the moment of peace I get from an asshole I don't have to deal with.
25
Not to further indulge in regional stereotypes, but those slow drawls often belong to people who were raised with that whole outdated notion of Southern politeness. I have gotten amazing customer service from drawling folks who sound like sweet old Aunt Bessie or Uncle Ralph (including an older gentleman with a heavy drawl who fixed a major problem I had with the IRS).
26
Hot damn to the last bit. XD Sure it's a dick move, but I almost wish I had the brass balls to be that militant.
27
Not long ago, I was having some trouble with my sattelite TV system after installing a new TV.... I called tech support and after about 10 minutes on hold, much to my surprise, I heard "Buenos Nochas" and what I assume was the standard "Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"
Hmm, somehow my call had been routed to the Spanish option.... Mi no habla Espanol, and I said so, dreading the further delay while my call was correctly routed. The young male voice at the other end promptly (in perfect English with a charming accent) apologized, expressed confusion about the routing error and sorted my problems out in record time, advised me of an upcoming special and knocked 5 bucks off my bill for the "inconvenience" of the mis-routed call.
Hanging up, which I might have done but for being too surprised to do anything but blurt that I did not speak the language, would have only screwed me out of a productive, efficient customer service experience.
When you DO get a chump, the more effective method is to tell them "Look, Darlin', you have a very unhappy customer here and you're not getting paid enough to deal with me today- Why don't we save both of us some frustration and get me to a supervisor?"
Hmm, somehow my call had been routed to the Spanish option.... Mi no habla Espanol, and I said so, dreading the further delay while my call was correctly routed. The young male voice at the other end promptly (in perfect English with a charming accent) apologized, expressed confusion about the routing error and sorted my problems out in record time, advised me of an upcoming special and knocked 5 bucks off my bill for the "inconvenience" of the mis-routed call.
Hanging up, which I might have done but for being too surprised to do anything but blurt that I did not speak the language, would have only screwed me out of a productive, efficient customer service experience.
When you DO get a chump, the more effective method is to tell them "Look, Darlin', you have a very unhappy customer here and you're not getting paid enough to deal with me today- Why don't we save both of us some frustration and get me to a supervisor?"
28
@27 If you've worked in a call center, you know that the supervisor knows far less about (insert subject here) than the person still answering phones. Call center supervisors are the former phone jockeys who really sucked, but kept coming back for more, often working free overtime to enhance their call stats. 10 hours of calls for an 8 hour shift will make you look like a superstar to the moron supervisor who either used the same trick or is related to the VP.
29
I've found the following a good set of policies:
1. Be polite to everyone, no matter how (in)competent, and remember their name.
2. If I get a particularly helpful person, I ask them to forward me to their manager so I can compliment them on the good job they did.
3. If it's a technical call, I immediately go over the most sophisticated details of my troubleshooting process - I usually get passed to a higher up tech person, and don't have to waste time answering questions about whether my modem is plugged in (I understand those questions - I'm sure they get their fair share of idiots)
1 and 3 help my problems get resolved. 2 is just a nice thing to do, and hopefully brightens the day of someone who has helped me.
1. Be polite to everyone, no matter how (in)competent, and remember their name.
2. If I get a particularly helpful person, I ask them to forward me to their manager so I can compliment them on the good job they did.
3. If it's a technical call, I immediately go over the most sophisticated details of my troubleshooting process - I usually get passed to a higher up tech person, and don't have to waste time answering questions about whether my modem is plugged in (I understand those questions - I'm sure they get their fair share of idiots)
1 and 3 help my problems get resolved. 2 is just a nice thing to do, and hopefully brightens the day of someone who has helped me.
30
I don't hang up on customer support people because I don't want to wait but I pretty much agree w/ everything anon says here.
31
Here's hoping that in the next life- or say, maybe your next job, because of the recession- you have to work in customer service. Then you will quickly figure out how even the nicest, most polite people can turn into mouth breathing coffee swillers when broken down by the onslaught of calls from customers with attitudes like yours. An education does not prepare one for the hell that is working in customer service.
32
Hate to burst everyone's bubble but call center people don't get paid that poorly. Believe it or not you need to pay people competitively to put themselves through customer service jobs willingly. THey also have high turnover so you can imagine that they don't invest quite to much in training. It's depressing how few people realize that they exacerbate this problem by being nasty and rude to other human beings whose job revolves entirely around helping YOU.
33
I totally agree on that "Have a blessed day" bullshit. Like we all don't know that's code for "I'm a smarmy Christian."
34
Who has time to keep calling back until you like the sound of someone's voice? My priority is usually getting the hell off the phone.
35
This week's IA does indeed suck, so here is my own accusation which is way better:
To the dude I saw texting while pissing in a urinal, that's great that you washed your hands, but how about washing your phone too, dumbass.
To the dude I saw texting while pissing in a urinal, that's great that you washed your hands, but how about washing your phone too, dumbass.
36
@22, I'm sure you have been treated poorly by 'jasonda' or 'toshinda' or 'laquisha'. Maybe it's because you expect to be. I was on the phone today with a black girl who gave me the super secret fax number so I wouldn't have to wait another day to find out if another department had received my paperwork. Generally speaking, I get treated really well by customer service people. That's because I treat them like people and not the punch line of a joke. The golden rule applies to phone communication too. If you want special treatment (and I do) then treat people special. Use their name. Ask nicely. Engage them. Give a shit.
37
Am I one of those atheists who just can't give a shit about people respecting my non-religion when it comes to bland niceties? Do Christians get pissed when I wish them a "good" day instead of a "blessed" day? Come the fuck on. I'd be the last person to describe myself as "laid-back", but, ugh, pull the stick out of your ass.
38
I enjoyed this more than the typical pissing and moaning about stupid whores fucking the wrong idiot on meth and dealing with the regret, etc etc etc etc etc.
More informative is that most of the Seattle-brand of lame-ass pseudo-hipsters love to read about emotional retard's masochism, their bad lame sex the subsequent a lifetime of regret. It's just so old and tired...
More informative is that most of the Seattle-brand of lame-ass pseudo-hipsters love to read about emotional retard's masochism, their bad lame sex the subsequent a lifetime of regret. It's just so old and tired...
39
@23, so basically what you're saying is that when you tell your story, people off themselves? That's practically a super power, perhaps you could find some way to harness it?
@7 I love the idea, I just have nothing to confess, except that I've still been unable to rub one out while thinking of Christine O'Donnell. Not giving up though! ;-)
@7 I love the idea, I just have nothing to confess, except that I've still been unable to rub one out while thinking of Christine O'Donnell. Not giving up though! ;-)
40
@7: Okay, I'll throw one in.
To my two closest friends: yes, I know this initial foray into poly dating is exciting. I know how much you want to excitedly show me the profile of the couple you found after only a week. But I've been looking for five years now, with very little luck. I'm also still recovering from the crushing disappointment of falling for our mutual friend and having my feelings returned, only to find out circumstances make a relationship impossible.
So stop bragging about how amazed you are that you could find potentials so quickly and how much you hope this is it. It's annoying.
To my two closest friends: yes, I know this initial foray into poly dating is exciting. I know how much you want to excitedly show me the profile of the couple you found after only a week. But I've been looking for five years now, with very little luck. I'm also still recovering from the crushing disappointment of falling for our mutual friend and having my feelings returned, only to find out circumstances make a relationship impossible.
So stop bragging about how amazed you are that you could find potentials so quickly and how much you hope this is it. It's annoying.
41
The only people in this country who are underpaid are most teachers and all undocumented immigrants. Whatever marketable skills you have, get the job to match. You'll be paid what those skills are worth. Can't find that one job that matches your very specific/limited set of skills? Take a lesser job while you keep looking and/or acquiring new skills. You will be paid what that job is worth. If you have a job and you think you're underpaid, prove it and demand a raise. If you're right, you can quit and work for someone who pays fair wages. If you suck at your job, it's not BECAUSE you're underpaid. The fact that you have a job at all and still suck at it is testimony to the litigious nature of entitled, lazy drones and how hard it can be to fire the incompetent. Sucking at a job = overpaid at any rate.
42
Why would you be eating while also working at a call center? Because you might not get a break. I was hired to work at a "company picnic" at a call center- what that actually meant was bringing food and beverages and other novelties around to everyone's station. They did not get to stop taking calls during the "picnic." It was brutal.
And yeah, this sucks. Fucking deal with it, Anon.
And yeah, this sucks. Fucking deal with it, Anon.
43
@32: "Hate to burst everyone's bubble but call center people don't get paid that poorly."
Yes, you're so right. I was rolling in money working as a reservation agent at Horizon Air, for minimum wage. Oh yes, and did I mention that the first FOUR WEEKS of employment there were unpaid, a dodge they called "Reservation Agent School" which amounted to nothing more than Horizon-specific training? Yep, minimum wage AND I had the honor of working Thanksgiving, Christmas and all other holidays to speak to wonderful folks like you! Yeah, what a lucrative profession, no wonder about 85% of us had college degrees.
I'm sure the reservation agents at Alaska Airlines, also minimum wage employees, are living in mansions as well. Yeah, that was a real gravy train I rode...all the way to the food stamp line.
Yes, you're so right. I was rolling in money working as a reservation agent at Horizon Air, for minimum wage. Oh yes, and did I mention that the first FOUR WEEKS of employment there were unpaid, a dodge they called "Reservation Agent School" which amounted to nothing more than Horizon-specific training? Yep, minimum wage AND I had the honor of working Thanksgiving, Christmas and all other holidays to speak to wonderful folks like you! Yeah, what a lucrative profession, no wonder about 85% of us had college degrees.
I'm sure the reservation agents at Alaska Airlines, also minimum wage employees, are living in mansions as well. Yeah, that was a real gravy train I rode...all the way to the food stamp line.
46
I agree with everything but the end part. Don't tell me you take offense because you don't. Goddamn. Nobody *did* mention God, nobody *did* mention Jesus, and if they did, then they're in a shitfuck of trouble with their employers should you choose to act on what that stick stuffed up your hard, hard rectum is telling you. Fact: taking offense at niceties is sometimes warranted if those niceties are saccharine, forced, or otherwise done by people who are nice and police and then turn around and kick puppies and burn crosses on black people's front lawns. Fact: You have no idea whether or not those people are going to do that. So you taking offense at them is like me taking offense at your taking offense at them, it's just plain dumb.
And I know you aren't offended, because true offense these days is found only slightly less frequently than real unicorns and leprechauns, and that certainly doesn't qualify, so don't water down the term by using it on shit that annoys you rather than offends you.
And I know you aren't offended, because true offense these days is found only slightly less frequently than real unicorns and leprechauns, and that certainly doesn't qualify, so don't water down the term by using it on shit that annoys you rather than offends you.
47
"have a blessed day" offends you. Sorry that somebody who wishes you well is a problem because they don't voice it in your narrow view of the world. Would you prefer "eat shit you fucking atheist?"
I don't believe in leprochauns, but I don't get offended every time I walk by Lucky Charms in the grocery store.
I don't believe in leprochauns, but I don't get offended every time I walk by Lucky Charms in the grocery store.
48
Ha! I don't understand why people love to hate these so much. I totally resonate with this one.
But at #1, you said "Because companies do not pay their employees enough to be polite with assholes like you."
Yeah, well I don't pay the phone/electric/gas company the amount I pay them just to feel obligated to talk to the first dumbass they throw on the line.
This I Anon was hilarious and so so true.
But at #1, you said "Because companies do not pay their employees enough to be polite with assholes like you."
Yeah, well I don't pay the phone/electric/gas company the amount I pay them just to feel obligated to talk to the first dumbass they throw on the line.
This I Anon was hilarious and so so true.
49
I work in a call center. I am lucky enough to be young, white, and female, and I've been told I have a nice voice (or sexy voice outside of work), so you'd probably stay on the line with me.
How we treat you will depend on how you treat us. It's all a matter of respect. If you're getting disrespected by a phone rep, ask to talk to their supervisor. You shouldn't hang up, otherwise nothing will change. Don't be a huge dick about it. But you can get them (us) in trouble if they (we) don't help you.
If I get a call from someone who is rude, I go out of my way to make sure their experience is as unpleasant, scripted, soulless, and by-the-book as possible. For a polite caller, I'll bend the rules as much as I'm allowed. I'll offer advice, even though I'm not required to. I'll stay on the line through the automated system, press the prompts, and warm-transfer you to the next representative so you don't have to go through that shit again. If you piss me off, you get dumped on the line and fend for yourself.
And hey, whether you get a caring upper-class-accented rep with a whitebread upbringing (me,most of the time), or a soul-sister who's one step above ebonics, be goddamn grateful you're not talking to India.
I only get paid $12 an hour (which sounds pretty good, but take into consideration I live in Chicago where the cost of living is approximately 60% higher than the national average--taking that into account, I'm making the equivalent of minimum wage). You get what you pay for. I absolutely canNOT fault the unhelpful employees around me.
How we treat you will depend on how you treat us. It's all a matter of respect. If you're getting disrespected by a phone rep, ask to talk to their supervisor. You shouldn't hang up, otherwise nothing will change. Don't be a huge dick about it. But you can get them (us) in trouble if they (we) don't help you.
If I get a call from someone who is rude, I go out of my way to make sure their experience is as unpleasant, scripted, soulless, and by-the-book as possible. For a polite caller, I'll bend the rules as much as I'm allowed. I'll offer advice, even though I'm not required to. I'll stay on the line through the automated system, press the prompts, and warm-transfer you to the next representative so you don't have to go through that shit again. If you piss me off, you get dumped on the line and fend for yourself.
And hey, whether you get a caring upper-class-accented rep with a whitebread upbringing (me,most of the time), or a soul-sister who's one step above ebonics, be goddamn grateful you're not talking to India.
I only get paid $12 an hour (which sounds pretty good, but take into consideration I live in Chicago where the cost of living is approximately 60% higher than the national average--taking that into account, I'm making the equivalent of minimum wage). You get what you pay for. I absolutely canNOT fault the unhelpful employees around me.
50
Apparently it is "pathetic", "miserable" and the work of an asshole to take steps to avoid being irritated, even when those steps have exactly ZERO effect on anybody else.
51
Those three words you're trained to say over and over again get really, really hard to say clearly after an 8 hour shift. It's kind of like when you stare at one word for five minutes and then are convinced you spelled it wrong.
52
Hearing chewing on the phone turns my stomach. Gum-snapping just irritates the everloving fuck out of me.
Those things I'll end the call quickly for or hang up if it's bothering me enough/making me nauseous enough (yes, I do have sensory issues and honestly just can't bear the chewing).
But there's no point in being a jerk to someone who simply has an accent, or an unusual name, or who speaks slowly.
I've worked at a call center and have had to eat at my station - but it's not that hard to hold the mike away from you if you're chewing or just eat between calls most of the time. I was in the business of caring for customers and that includes the basic courtesy of not smacking my lips in their ear.
Those things I'll end the call quickly for or hang up if it's bothering me enough/making me nauseous enough (yes, I do have sensory issues and honestly just can't bear the chewing).
But there's no point in being a jerk to someone who simply has an accent, or an unusual name, or who speaks slowly.
I've worked at a call center and have had to eat at my station - but it's not that hard to hold the mike away from you if you're chewing or just eat between calls most of the time. I was in the business of caring for customers and that includes the basic courtesy of not smacking my lips in their ear.
53
...ok, so basically if a person of color/faith takes your call, you immediately hang up...- GOT IT :) -d.
p.s. i worked @ a call center my freshman year of university - and your bigoted action?! yeah, it actually HELPS his/her weekly stats - cheers!
p.s. i worked @ a call center my freshman year of university - and your bigoted action?! yeah, it actually HELPS his/her weekly stats - cheers!
54
...ok, so basically if a person of color/faith takes your call, you immediately hang up...- GOT IT :) -d.
p.s. i worked @ a call center my freshman year of university - and your bigoted action?! yeah, it actually HELPS his/her weekly stats - cheers! (feel better, now?)
p.s. i worked @ a call center my freshman year of university - and your bigoted action?! yeah, it actually HELPS his/her weekly stats - cheers! (feel better, now?)
55
I cannot stand hearing, "Have a blessed day." Unfortunately I live in the bible belt and have to hear it on a regular basis. I could file a complaint every time I hear it, but it would consume my life. I just give a dirty look instead. It seems to help at places I go to on a regular basis. Maybe I'm an asshole, but I don't push my beliefs on anyone. I don't feel that it's right. I don't do it and neither should they.
56
jesus christ......some people have nothin more to bitch about......with war,aids,natural disasters occuring all around you.YOU GOTTA BITCH ABOUT CUSTOMER SERVICE AND GUM CHEWING
57
Moral of the story;
chew gum and speak very slowly when you answer the phone at work, or else you might end up helping this retarded asshole!
chew gum and speak very slowly when you answer the phone at work, or else you might end up helping this retarded asshole!
More I, Anonymous
RSS
Twitter
Comments (57) RSS