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Why the fuck am I buying you a wedding present? You're in your mid-30s—if you don't have a blender or a throw rug or a set of 12 porcelain teacups, that is not my problem. In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other, it made sense to help them start out their lives with a free roster of kitchen essentials, bedroom basics, and dining flatware. But you have two incomes and stable careers, and even purchased your own home! And now some single, unrequited, whiny bitch like me has to go online and be the asshole who buys you a paper shredder due to my reluctance to give in to your Christmas list? I suppose so. But before I do, don't think I haven't bemoaned this outdated tradition directly to soon-to-be-married fiancées. I lean over with my drink in hand and begin, "I just can't believe what weddings have turned into! All these traditions we have to endure, right? And just imagine, I'm supposed to buy people with two cars and a couple of master's degrees between them an Iittala vase!" They nod, they agree, and invariably they send me a wedding invite with a list of registry demands.
I'm happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals. But do I need to buy you shit you don't need and I likely can't afford? (Don't tell me it's quid pro quo because you're giving me free drinks and food at the reception. I earned that when I went to the wedding shower, with ANOTHER GODDAMNED GIFT IN HAND!)
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4
Get over your irritation. Go to the wedding sans gift. I can't tell you how many weddings Ive gone to empty handed no one ever complains, not even me when I don't get a thank you card. Everybody's happy. What's the worst that will happen, the next friend doesn't send you the "list"?
6
"I'm happy and honored to celebrate the union of two loving individuals."
Uh, no you aren't. You're a jealous, bitter, sagging bag of shit that would ruin a wedding by your reeky stench.
Oh, and as #3 said, nobody is required to buy anything of the registry, ya fuckin genius.
Uh, no you aren't. You're a jealous, bitter, sagging bag of shit that would ruin a wedding by your reeky stench.
Oh, and as #3 said, nobody is required to buy anything of the registry, ya fuckin genius.
7
Um, I always perceived a registry as suggestions meant to help out anyone who *wanted* to give gifts. Unless the couple made a huge deal out of people giving them gifts, the registry is optional. Your problem.
9
Perfect gift: Have sex with the groom and then announce that you did at the wedding.
Fail-proof present!
Fail-proof present!
10
I can see the writer's point. I also feel annoyed when I receive a gift registry link or gift list from well-off people getting married. I don't have the money to buy MYSELF half the stuff the couple already owns, much less the kind of non-essential crap on the list. Yes, there are solutions to this, yes, I can (and do) buy or make something not on the list, but it's the principle of it. Gift registries full of unnecessary designer shit are a horrible, consumerist, self-important idea that should fuck off and die already. If it's stuff the couple needs, that's another matter. If there is no gift-list and someone wants to bring a nice gift, they're always welcome to. But a wedding isn't some kid's dream Christmas - it should not be treated like an opportunity to get your wish-list of stuff bought and delivered.
13
I always give books. I try to find something I think they won't have but will enjoy--if they're going on a honeymoon, a cool piece of travel literature from wherever their destination.
14
A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not. You don't need to give the Calvin Klein sheets or the Kate Spade decanter, but you DO need to reciprocate the thought. Give what you can afford.
A meaningful gift I like to give when I can't afford the highest items? A nice bottle of champagne for about $35 and a hand-written letter. Open it now or in a year, the thought is the same: It was special to be included in your special day, so thank you.
A meaningful gift I like to give when I can't afford the highest items? A nice bottle of champagne for about $35 and a hand-written letter. Open it now or in a year, the thought is the same: It was special to be included in your special day, so thank you.
17
"In the old days, when poor 20-year-olds married each other"
Yeah because as everyone knows, nobody was rich in "the old days" whenever the hell that was and all 20-year-olds are always poor. But hey, whatever generalizations make you feel cool about yourself, go for it.
But for fuck's sake, don't buy them a gift; instead please go rent a brain. You're scaring me.
Yeah because as everyone knows, nobody was rich in "the old days" whenever the hell that was and all 20-year-olds are always poor. But hey, whatever generalizations make you feel cool about yourself, go for it.
But for fuck's sake, don't buy them a gift; instead please go rent a brain. You're scaring me.
18
I got married (second time) at the age of 40 and I did not want to register for gifts because we'd already been living/shopping together for 5 years. The longer I went after the engagement without registering, the more I was hounded by family and guests to please let them know where we registered. HOW ELSE WILL WE KNOW WHAT TO BUY? They all wanted to know. So we did. We registered at Bed Bath and Beyond for things ranging in price from $3 to $200 (only one or two up there). People were satisfied to not have to guess about a gift and wonder if we ended up returning it. A lot of our friends couldn't afford a gift, in fact we paid for their airfare. One of our favorite gifts was from one such guest who gave us a piece of art he had owned and loved for years accompanied by a bawdy poem he wrote to match. The happy couple didn't register for gifts so you'd have to buy something. Everyone knows you don't. Even if you don't re-gift or make something and go to the wedding empty-handed, I seriously doubt they'll even notice. If they're paying attention, it's probably just enough to try and keep a list of the gifts they DID receive for the required thank you cards. What a couple really wants (or should want) is for all their friends and loved-ones to enjoy the party. It's not like they're charging admission and hosting a VIP section!
19
Not as much as your oh-so-upright posts would scare a normal person.
Do you troll here just to get your rocks off, you know, judgmentally-speaking???
Do you troll here just to get your rocks off, you know, judgmentally-speaking???
20
This is just part of compulsory heterosexuality and forced (ahem) monogamy. Those who do participate break even by both giving and receiving gifts. Those who cannot or will not participate ... get taxed.
Please feel free to use the above paragraph in your toast.
Please feel free to use the above paragraph in your toast.
21
Starting to think people take issue with anything that's printed here. When that imbecile wrote the post saying "I'm not writing any thank you notes, go screw yourselves" everyone screamed blue murder and now when this woman is saying she has no interest in supplementing someone else's demands, everyone screams blue murder?
I don't blame the poster one bit. She won't even get a thank you note out of it (as determined by that previous idiot without a grateful bone in her body) so why should she provide a gift?
I don't blame the poster one bit. She won't even get a thank you note out of it (as determined by that previous idiot without a grateful bone in her body) so why should she provide a gift?
22
Yeah, I agree. The days of "we're getting married, go buy us a gift, something you wouldn't afford for yourself" should come to a close.
And I know it takes a lot of work and a lot of time and artisans do maybe three or four of them a month, but I'd gag on an $800 cake when there is so much real need in this world. Sorry!
Kind of reminds me of this:
Look at 17 and 18. Keeping score with Chanel lipstick - lipstick that's about $30-40 a tube. Have people no shame?
http://www.marthastewart.com/photogaller…
And I know it takes a lot of work and a lot of time and artisans do maybe three or four of them a month, but I'd gag on an $800 cake when there is so much real need in this world. Sorry!
Kind of reminds me of this:
Look at 17 and 18. Keeping score with Chanel lipstick - lipstick that's about $30-40 a tube. Have people no shame?
http://www.marthastewart.com/photogaller…
23
#19 - suck my chode, mmm-kay?
Anyway, when I got married we didn't give a shit about the gifts, although the ones we received were certainly appreciated.
What we really cared about was the people we loved being there with us to celebrate.
Isn't that the point of inviting people?
Anyway, when I got married we didn't give a shit about the gifts, although the ones we received were certainly appreciated.
What we really cared about was the people we loved being there with us to celebrate.
Isn't that the point of inviting people?
24
Gift giving is customary i.e. traditional, but not at all mandatory, especially for non-attendees. Begging for gifts (or making reference to them at all, i.e. by registries) in invitations is not etiquette, but it's becoming TRADITION: A rude tradition, if you will. The price tags on some are shocking.
IA has a point, that "child weddings" of 18-20 year olds traditionally star broke people, so the older generation showers them with gear they'll need. Those that have made their careers and have one or more fully appointed households do not need this style of gifts at all: time for a new tradition!
IA has a point, that "child weddings" of 18-20 year olds traditionally star broke people, so the older generation showers them with gear they'll need. Those that have made their careers and have one or more fully appointed households do not need this style of gifts at all: time for a new tradition!
25
#21: I think that the whole point of the column is to allow some anonymous venting, so that commenters can excoriate the anons. I don't think it is meant to be a search for truth or consensus.
That said, I don't mind giving a gift to mid-30s or 40s people getting married at all, if they are my friends. What's the big deal? Especially if I can get drunk at their party. Have a $50 set of coasters or whatever! It's all junk anyway! Knock yourselves out! Just try to be nice to each ther and not raise shitty kids!
That said, I don't mind giving a gift to mid-30s or 40s people getting married at all, if they are my friends. What's the big deal? Especially if I can get drunk at their party. Have a $50 set of coasters or whatever! It's all junk anyway! Knock yourselves out! Just try to be nice to each ther and not raise shitty kids!
26
you can't dish out $50? you are a douche in a half. if that's all you care about when a friend has a major life moment, then... just don't go. seriously... i'm sure your nasty attitude is not the kind wanted at such an affair. do your really think they put as much resentful thought into creating a registry as you did into writing this column?
also... many couples in their thirties pay for their own weddings. many "poor" twenty-somethings have parents who pay for their weddings.
seriously... don't go. a marriage should be a celebration.
also... many couples in their thirties pay for their own weddings. many "poor" twenty-somethings have parents who pay for their weddings.
seriously... don't go. a marriage should be a celebration.
28
"A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not. You don't need to give the Calvin Klein sheets or the Kate Spade decanter, but you DO need to reciprocate the thought. Give what you can afford."
this right here is a bag of shit. you are some fucking nitwit victoria star. you should acknowledge an event such as this, 'congrats!'
attend the wedding if you want to share in the couple's happiness, but if you begrudge these people a gift, do not attend. they do not need your sour puss showing up the pictures.
the registry is not a whole bunch of "i gotta have it". the registry helps those without imagination, or those with limited time and unlimited funds. if you know the couple, you should be fine going off registry. if you don't know the couple, reconsider attending.
this right here is a bag of shit. you are some fucking nitwit victoria star. you should acknowledge an event such as this, 'congrats!'
attend the wedding if you want to share in the couple's happiness, but if you begrudge these people a gift, do not attend. they do not need your sour puss showing up the pictures.
the registry is not a whole bunch of "i gotta have it". the registry helps those without imagination, or those with limited time and unlimited funds. if you know the couple, you should be fine going off registry. if you don't know the couple, reconsider attending.
29
Shit; if I'm short on cash, I don't give gifts at weddings either (people tend not to give a shit that only 40 of their 80 guests brought them a gift).
But what kind of moron is affronted by the very idea of giving a wedding gift? Registering is really not some shocking, bold move that only a greedy asshole would do. Other celebrations involve gifts; why not weddings?
And here's a big, obvious hint for the OP: wedding (/holiday/birthday/graduation...) gifts aren't customary because people are demanding pricks. They're customary because it's a celebration and gifts are celebratory (The more you know)! And if you can't afford it, it's usually no big deal.
Come back when they actually bitch at you for not buying them a china set. Or, more likely, when you want to obliviously bitch that nobody got you a gift for your wedding.
But what kind of moron is affronted by the very idea of giving a wedding gift? Registering is really not some shocking, bold move that only a greedy asshole would do. Other celebrations involve gifts; why not weddings?
And here's a big, obvious hint for the OP: wedding (/holiday/birthday/graduation...) gifts aren't customary because people are demanding pricks. They're customary because it's a celebration and gifts are celebratory (The more you know)! And if you can't afford it, it's usually no big deal.
Come back when they actually bitch at you for not buying them a china set. Or, more likely, when you want to obliviously bitch that nobody got you a gift for your wedding.
30
Technology has made major inroads into improvement of the human condition. An inflatable nativity scene isn't one of those, though. Of course, science doesn't have all the answers (not yet, anyways). Get them an inflatable nativity scene to make their first Christmas extra-special.
31
Give them one of those charity gifts, where you pay for some third-world village`s water pump or some family`s yak or something in the happy couple`s name. You get to deny the couple the the unnecessary appliances, you look charitable, and they can`t bitch about you without looking like heartless consumer whores. Win-win!
32
All the anon's overthinking bitchiness aside, I'm seeing a lot of posters who are out of touch with what "broke" means. Not being able to afford a "nice $35 bottle of champagne" or "dish out $50" doesn't make someone a "douche and a half". Living paycheck-to-paycheck doesn't leave room for gift giving of that scale, no matter how much you love the couple. It barely leaves room to get Mom something for Christmas. That's not whining, that's not douchey tightwad bitterness; it's fiscal reality for some of us.
Anon, stop stressing about it. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself, enjoy your friends' special day, and give them something within your budget (ignore the registry). If the couple knows you, they probably know you can't afford it, and they won't think less of you.
Anon, stop stressing about it. Go to the wedding and enjoy yourself, enjoy your friends' special day, and give them something within your budget (ignore the registry). If the couple knows you, they probably know you can't afford it, and they won't think less of you.
33
Living in an alternate universe, I've never attended a wedding where there was a registry. Nor was there one for my wedding, a civil service before a judge. So, I am speculating to say the anon seriously needs to review her criteria for friends. Maybe there aren't any better options where she is.
34
I'm sure that if they knew your financial situation, they wouldn't want you to spend food money on trying to get them a gift. Skip the gift, skip the ceremony and use the money you save on gas and presents and get your financial situation straight. The first thing to wrap your mind around if you are having financial troubles is that spending 'to impress' somebody is the first thing to go!
Send a thoughtful letter saying how much you love the couple and wishing them every happiness. (41 cents until the post office changes it's mind) and all will be well.
Send a thoughtful letter saying how much you love the couple and wishing them every happiness. (41 cents until the post office changes it's mind) and all will be well.
35
I agree that weddings have gotten ridiculous, especially when there are people who go into serious debt to host events that they can't afford. But I think that other people's finances are their own business. Whether they can afford it or not and whether they already have a house full of very nice, very expensive things is not the point. If you are really their friend, then the point is to celebrate their future happiness together. You spend what is in your budget and then you give it graciously. If they don't appreciate it, because you didn't get them the most expensive gift on the list, then they're not really your friends either.
36
I'm married. I got married when I was fucking 20 years old. If anyone was the perfect candidate for that horseshit it was me. But rather than throw a wedding I couldn't afford and expect extravagant gifts in exchange, I went to the fucking courthouse. There were 7 people there. We all went to dinner afterward and the only people shelling out were parents.
Who were extremely generous since they didn't have a wedding and reception to pay for :)
Who were extremely generous since they didn't have a wedding and reception to pay for :)
37
buy the fuckers a couple o' chickens or rabbits through HEIFER PROJECT. then you'll see the graciousness or shitheadedness of dear newlywed.
38
Go to the wedding and give them a nice card. Hell, skip the $35 bottle of champagne and give them a $20 bottle of wine! As a recent bride, the gifts are awesome - every time I get one of my new kitchen tools out, I smile and think of the wedding and the friend or family member that was generous with both time and money.
Then again, I also scale gifts with how hard I have to work to get there. Do I need to get a hotel room - that $80 budget just went to $40 to help offset costs....
Then again, I also scale gifts with how hard I have to work to get there. Do I need to get a hotel room - that $80 budget just went to $40 to help offset costs....
39
I have to say I'm most bothered by the across-the-board expectation of gifts. If you don't need shit, don't ask for it, because there are people (like the poster...or me) who don't have much money, but give something decent because its what's expected (and I know that's my hang-up, trolls).
I got married on Halloween, our invitations said that people could bring a gift or wear a costume, but not both. Everyone in my parent's generation and beyond brought gifts, all of my peers and broke-ass friends wore costumes. It was awesome.
I got married on Halloween, our invitations said that people could bring a gift or wear a costume, but not both. Everyone in my parent's generation and beyond brought gifts, all of my peers and broke-ass friends wore costumes. It was awesome.
40
"A general etiquette rule of thumb is this: If you were invited to the event, you should give a gift, if you attend the event or not."
Unfortunately, a lot of people use this rule of thumb as a ploy to get more gifts. They invite people who they know can't come (or they know probably isn't interested in coming) so now that person is obligated to send a gift. It's also a way of getting more shower gifts - invite every extended family member who has two X chromosomes and shares at least 1/50th your DNA, or is married to someone who shares at least 1/50th your DNA, regardless of whether you've ever had more than a five-minute conversation with them or not (probably at some other family member's wedding or shower). Presto! An avalanche of gifts!
It's bullshit. When I get an invite from someone I barely know, I send a card for the wedding or my regrets (ha!) for the shower. If I ever get married, I'm going to do the courthouse thing and send out announcements after the fact that say "no gifts please, but if you feel so compelled you may make a donation to Lambda Legal in support of marriage equality." Even though I could seriously use the loot.
Unfortunately, a lot of people use this rule of thumb as a ploy to get more gifts. They invite people who they know can't come (or they know probably isn't interested in coming) so now that person is obligated to send a gift. It's also a way of getting more shower gifts - invite every extended family member who has two X chromosomes and shares at least 1/50th your DNA, or is married to someone who shares at least 1/50th your DNA, regardless of whether you've ever had more than a five-minute conversation with them or not (probably at some other family member's wedding or shower). Presto! An avalanche of gifts!
It's bullshit. When I get an invite from someone I barely know, I send a card for the wedding or my regrets (ha!) for the shower. If I ever get married, I'm going to do the courthouse thing and send out announcements after the fact that say "no gifts please, but if you feel so compelled you may make a donation to Lambda Legal in support of marriage equality." Even though I could seriously use the loot.
41
I just give people a copy of "Nathaniel Merriweather presents Lovage: Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By."
I never buy anyone anything I can't afford and I make sure to drink more at the reception (based on wholesale cost of liquor v. retail of gift) than I spent of the gift. And if I were to get married, I'd be happy to see my guests doing the same.
I never buy anyone anything I can't afford and I make sure to drink more at the reception (based on wholesale cost of liquor v. retail of gift) than I spent of the gift. And if I were to get married, I'd be happy to see my guests doing the same.
42
You don't need to bring a gift and you certainly don't need to choose something from their registry.
I got married ten years ago, without registering for gifts. Not everyone who came gave us a gift and that's completely fine. Our friends and family came to celebrate with us, which is what we wanted and what we most remember. If you can't afford a gift, don't buy one. Show up and celebrate. Maybe you could write them a note telling them how happy you are for them. If you want to give a gift, give them a homemade gift certificate good for dinner at your house sometime. If you both garden, tell them you'll be bringing over some plants next spring. If you cook, bring over a cake sometime during the first couple of years that they're married. Give them jam or homemade applesauce or a casserole dish with your favorite recipe attached. Teach them to do something they'd like to learn. Buy tickets for all of you to a local amateur theater production. They'll remember the homemade, personal touch much, much longer than they recall who contributed a blender.
Depending on what you choose--like dinner or a gardening session--the present can give you a chance to spend time together, which is the whole point of friendship. Registries started as a way to make helpful suggestions, but they've devolved into what can feel like a shakedown.
I got married ten years ago, without registering for gifts. Not everyone who came gave us a gift and that's completely fine. Our friends and family came to celebrate with us, which is what we wanted and what we most remember. If you can't afford a gift, don't buy one. Show up and celebrate. Maybe you could write them a note telling them how happy you are for them. If you want to give a gift, give them a homemade gift certificate good for dinner at your house sometime. If you both garden, tell them you'll be bringing over some plants next spring. If you cook, bring over a cake sometime during the first couple of years that they're married. Give them jam or homemade applesauce or a casserole dish with your favorite recipe attached. Teach them to do something they'd like to learn. Buy tickets for all of you to a local amateur theater production. They'll remember the homemade, personal touch much, much longer than they recall who contributed a blender.
Depending on what you choose--like dinner or a gardening session--the present can give you a chance to spend time together, which is the whole point of friendship. Registries started as a way to make helpful suggestions, but they've devolved into what can feel like a shakedown.
43
I'm with Anon. Sending all your friends to your registry is tacky and makes the wedding seem like merely a means to an end. My wife and I made a registry only after some people specifically requested it, and this was after we had said that gifts were not expected.
Make a donation in their name to a charity they would plausibly support. They will either get the hint or reveal their true greediness by showing their displeasure. Do you really want these people in your life?
Make a donation in their name to a charity they would plausibly support. They will either get the hint or reveal their true greediness by showing their displeasure. Do you really want these people in your life?
44
My brother got married this past summer, and everyone ASKED them to make a registry. Begged them to tell them what they'd like, so that they wouldn't get them multiples or the wrong thing.
He's an actor, she's a teacher, they are not rich by any means. They live in a tiny NYC apartment, and searched their brains for things to put on it, entirely for the sake of their friends who already wanted to bring gifts.
So, for some of us, that's all a registry is really about.
He's an actor, she's a teacher, they are not rich by any means. They live in a tiny NYC apartment, and searched their brains for things to put on it, entirely for the sake of their friends who already wanted to bring gifts.
So, for some of us, that's all a registry is really about.
45
PS. I love the idea of contributing to a charity, in their name, for a cause that they'd support. FWIW, any of my friends would be delighted with such a gift (which, in part, is why they're my friends).
46
If you're in your 30's and can't afford a $35 bottle of wine, you need to reevaluate your life, priorities, and finances.
47
@46- If you are in your 30s and have set all your priorities on being able to afford luxury goods, you need to re-evaluate you life.
48
If someone you love is getting married, it's nothing but appropriate to contribute to the celebration of their union with a small but appropriate gift. If you don't love at least one of them, send a fucking card. That's my rule.
49
Dang, you Seattle people are crazy-bitchy! The I Anon girl has a point.. let her vent for Chrissakes! Sheesh!
The blind self-righteous indignation is just GUSHING out yer grouchy lil' asses. Take a pill already. Reading this hooey reminds me of why I ditched your miserable community. Y'all just live to disapprove of everything (esp. when you secretly approve of it). Bleh!
The blind self-righteous indignation is just GUSHING out yer grouchy lil' asses. Take a pill already. Reading this hooey reminds me of why I ditched your miserable community. Y'all just live to disapprove of everything (esp. when you secretly approve of it). Bleh!
51
I'm as bothered by the across-the-board expectations for gifts as i am by the across-the-board expectation for tips.
Don't want to buy a present? don't. I couldn't possibly tell you who brought a gift and who didn't to our wedding. I do remember a couple of gifts very specifically (a long-time friend bought my wife a Kitchen-Aid mixer which she loves to this day), but I don't remember much else. It's simply unimportant, but if it makes your whiny ass feel better to bitch and moan about a surrogate problem (the real issue here is that you're single and hate yourself) feel free, but be prepared to get mocked by people like me without such insecurities.
Don't want to buy a present? don't. I couldn't possibly tell you who brought a gift and who didn't to our wedding. I do remember a couple of gifts very specifically (a long-time friend bought my wife a Kitchen-Aid mixer which she loves to this day), but I don't remember much else. It's simply unimportant, but if it makes your whiny ass feel better to bitch and moan about a surrogate problem (the real issue here is that you're single and hate yourself) feel free, but be prepared to get mocked by people like me without such insecurities.
53
The only time it's required to bring a gift is a shower. Wedding gifts are not mandatory. Wedding registries are for ideas only and for convenience so whatever you get them is already in their taste. And so they don't get double the same stuff. If you don't want to give a gift for the wedding, don't. Your shower gift should be enough. But please for the love of god grow some perspective and understand that some people want to give gifts, the the registry is easiest for them. It is not a personal affront to you.
54
Cash/check, 'nuff said! Your friends are inviting you to join them in celebration of their love and devotion to each other (while paying for the venue, dj, dresses/tuxedos, food, drinks, etc... EVERYTHING!) and all the while you are whining and bitching about the logistics of gifts for said ceremony. You are a shitty friend and it's no wonder you are all alone.
55
Oh get over it! They're getting married and you're single because you whine and whine and whine. Don't buy them a gift, chances are they probably won't notice you didn't anyways. Chances are they didn't expect you to come.
56
When my husband and I got married, we were doing pretty well and already had a nice, well-appointed house. We decided that we would have a fun wedding for our friends and family and if guests wanted to contribute gifts to celebrate our union, they could contribute to some charities we favored. We listed a few pet charities, like a pro-gay-marriage charity (I forget which, sorry) because his brother was gay, and Dressed-for-Success because I had a special affection for that charity, and some more mainstream charities that anybody could get behind. It turns out we raised thousands of dollars and everyone really liked it. It seemed like the guests were less resentful and more generous than they would have been had we asked for gifts for ourselves.
57
Again, You do not have to 1) Go to the wedding, 2) Buy them a gift from their registry, or 3) Buy them a gift at all. You are the one who is putting all of this pressure on yourself. Unless they expressly said that you MUST give them a gift, then cut them some slack. The reason that invites have cards with where they are registered at is because a lot of their other guests actually want to know that information and are actually grateful that their is a registry to choose something from. No one wants you to spend money on a gift that you can't afford and that you feel like you HAVE to give as opposed to wanting to give. Because then is it not a gift so much as an obligation.
58
Judas!
Please just send your regrets that you'll be unable to attend if you're this angry about the prospect of giving a present to people who you, presumably, like and wish well. It's unkind (and bad for your own blood pressure) to be this concerned about what people already own and what you perceive them to need or not need.
BUT, it appears that the couple also put their foot in a bucket:
Registry information should not be included in the invitation. The utterly correct way for the registry information to be shared is by quietly asking the wedding party and a few others to "let people know, if they ask, that we registered at Widgets-N-Stuff."
And the registry is NOT a mandate- it's not obligatory to buy an item on the registry and even if you do, for example, want to make a gift of 12 demitasse cups, you're free to look elsewhere to see if they're available at a better price.
If you can't spend a fortune (or think everything on the registry list is lame and that you fear your friend is becoming a Stepford spouse), then get a cute basket from a crafting store and fill it with tea, cocoa and a pair of mugs or whatever would please them on a cozy "at home" evening... or whatever suits your budget and fancy.
If they then bitch that you did not abide by their shopping list, I suggest that the next gift they need is a book on proper etiquette.
Please just send your regrets that you'll be unable to attend if you're this angry about the prospect of giving a present to people who you, presumably, like and wish well. It's unkind (and bad for your own blood pressure) to be this concerned about what people already own and what you perceive them to need or not need.
BUT, it appears that the couple also put their foot in a bucket:
Registry information should not be included in the invitation. The utterly correct way for the registry information to be shared is by quietly asking the wedding party and a few others to "let people know, if they ask, that we registered at Widgets-N-Stuff."
And the registry is NOT a mandate- it's not obligatory to buy an item on the registry and even if you do, for example, want to make a gift of 12 demitasse cups, you're free to look elsewhere to see if they're available at a better price.
If you can't spend a fortune (or think everything on the registry list is lame and that you fear your friend is becoming a Stepford spouse), then get a cute basket from a crafting store and fill it with tea, cocoa and a pair of mugs or whatever would please them on a cozy "at home" evening... or whatever suits your budget and fancy.
If they then bitch that you did not abide by their shopping list, I suggest that the next gift they need is a book on proper etiquette.
59
Honestly, I hear ya. Why don't you give them your plate of food at the wedding - tell them to wrap it up for themselves and take it home with them - that's your gift: leftovers.
60
Honestly, I hear ya. Why don't you give them your plate of food at the wedding - tell them to wrap it up for themselves and take it home with them - that's your gift: leftovers.
62
I truly can't believe that only one person out of the 61 above commenters said "Make a donation to a non-profit in their honor."
Especially if you're feeling self-righteous--you get a tax deduction and proof that you're a bigger person. Or, that is, you're a bigger person in the logic of self-righteous fury. You've been there and you know it, no matter who you are.
@43 Good call. As for charities to choose...I would go with Lambda Legal or a similar LGBT-rights organization.
Especially if you're feeling self-righteous--you get a tax deduction and proof that you're a bigger person. Or, that is, you're a bigger person in the logic of self-righteous fury. You've been there and you know it, no matter who you are.
@43 Good call. As for charities to choose...I would go with Lambda Legal or a similar LGBT-rights organization.
63
Registries don't have to be evil. Done right, they are just a convenience for those who want to buy something and don't know what to get. For ours, I made sure to choose items in a wide variety of price ranges, including a few that were close to $10. But you don't have to follow the registry. Some of my favorite wedding gifts were items not on the registry because I just hadn't thought of them.
64
How about buying a $10 scrapbook, and then creating an artful collection of business cards from divorce attorneys in your city? There's more than a fifty percent chance that the happy couple will really NEED that in a few years.
67
I was asked to be a bride's maid for someone I hadn't really been friends with since high school. If there was a way to have politely declined, I would have. The resentment started when someone informed me that I had to buy her a gift for the shower that I was throwing and paying for. Then I had to buy her gifts for the other showers that I was expected to attend. The true disgust came when I went to the store to buy a wedding gift, and to anyone who says that a gift is not required or expected...Bullshit. I had hoped to buy them something lovely, something they would always have that would remind them of my participation in their wedding. The cheapest item on their registry was a $104.00 steam iron. If there's a difference between a $14.00 steam iron and $104.00 steam iron, I don't know what it is because it sure looked like just a regular steam iron to me.
They're divorced now. I wonder who got the iron in the split?
They're divorced now. I wonder who got the iron in the split?
68
I just got hitched. Did not need any more crap, but accepted the advise that if you don't register, people we buy you shit you really don't want. We registered, received gifts off the registry from people I did not know who were not at the wedding, very kind all around. We put on 2 charity options on the registry. Many of my good friends have not given us anything and I don't care one bit. Was a super fun night, that is the bottom line, the rest is crap details. Real friends will not keep score or have resentments.
69
Your Anonymous stinks of envy. You can't stand that your friends are happy and getting married or that they doing well financially.
A registry is a COURTESY for gift givers so that they don't have to think too hard and won't end up getting the same thing as some other guest. You and another attendee could go in on one of the items on the list. OR you could get all Martha Stewart and come up with some inexpensive but meaningful gift which will--in all likelihood-be even better received than the registry stuff.
Gift giving is not necessarily an exercise in materialism. It's a way of expressing congratulations, celebration and friendship.
A registry is a COURTESY for gift givers so that they don't have to think too hard and won't end up getting the same thing as some other guest. You and another attendee could go in on one of the items on the list. OR you could get all Martha Stewart and come up with some inexpensive but meaningful gift which will--in all likelihood-be even better received than the registry stuff.
Gift giving is not necessarily an exercise in materialism. It's a way of expressing congratulations, celebration and friendship.
70
Your candor is refreshing.
Fuck yuppie bridal registries.
BUT...the smart thing to do is play nice and buy them shit, then call in a favor when they start to go splits in a few years and one of them need s best pal to cry all over when 'Rene' turns out to be a frigid bitch or 'Jason' spends as much time watching gay porn as he does writing code for Adobe.
Hell, you may have first shot at the husband - or wife, if you swing that way, you little Breeder-H8ter!
Fuck yuppie bridal registries.
BUT...the smart thing to do is play nice and buy them shit, then call in a favor when they start to go splits in a few years and one of them need s best pal to cry all over when 'Rene' turns out to be a frigid bitch or 'Jason' spends as much time watching gay porn as he does writing code for Adobe.
Hell, you may have first shot at the husband - or wife, if you swing that way, you little Breeder-H8ter!
71
I tend to be somewhat on the writer's side here, having given my share of unneeded wedding gifts over the years. As a long partnered gay man, I think that if we were to make it official, we would actually prohibit gifts, as we have too much crap already.
But niceties must be observed, mustn't they? Give a suitable donation in their name to some cause that you know would annoy or embarass at least one of them, and call it a day.
But niceties must be observed, mustn't they? Give a suitable donation in their name to some cause that you know would annoy or embarass at least one of them, and call it a day.
72
"If you're in your 30's and can't afford a $35 bottle of wine, you need to reevaluate your life, priorities, and finances."
Right, in this time of record unemployment, THAT is what people should be measuring their priorities against.
I'm disabled and living hand to mouth due to that disability, and that comment is also an ablist bunch of jackassery.
FWIW, I give the people I love things I make. Luckily I have some skill with craftery and making stuff out of general crap other people might throw away (like fabric scraps). But not being able to afford to give someone else a $35 bottle of anything that isn't medication doesn't really keep me up at night wondering where I (or my body) went wrong.
Right, in this time of record unemployment, THAT is what people should be measuring their priorities against.
I'm disabled and living hand to mouth due to that disability, and that comment is also an ablist bunch of jackassery.
FWIW, I give the people I love things I make. Luckily I have some skill with craftery and making stuff out of general crap other people might throw away (like fabric scraps). But not being able to afford to give someone else a $35 bottle of anything that isn't medication doesn't really keep me up at night wondering where I (or my body) went wrong.
73
71: Or just... don't get them a gift.
For fuck's sake, people, it's a very simple solution to "not wanting to give gifts" that has been posted a thousand times.
Yet everyone's still acting like there's no way out of giving forced gifts once you've lain eyes on a registry list.
What part of "suggestion" don't Seattlites understand?
For fuck's sake, people, it's a very simple solution to "not wanting to give gifts" that has been posted a thousand times.
Yet everyone's still acting like there's no way out of giving forced gifts once you've lain eyes on a registry list.
What part of "suggestion" don't Seattlites understand?
74
Oh, I understand, Bonefish, I'm just passive-aggressive with some disposable income.
Have a great day, okay?
Have a great day, okay?
75
My roommate (actually ex-roommate now) got married yesterday. They registered at the alternative gift registry and included a bunch of different things that cost nothing or very little. She asked for 20 "best recipes" from people, 10 "homemade gifts", as well as things like "any 1 cup measuring cup" and "any 9x12 cake pan." Measuring cups can be bought at the dollar store, best recipes really only require a pen and paper, homemade gift could cost $2 (like the woman who made them a card) or $100 (someone knitted them each a sweater out of cashmere wool). It was a lovely chance to get them things they wanted, without needing to damage anyone's pocket book.
I understand not being able to buy a present, but why would you go to a wedding where you didn't care enough about them to want to give them a gift? I know that everyone's love language isn't gifts, but the idea of not wanting to give a present seems completely strange to me.
I understand not being able to buy a present, but why would you go to a wedding where you didn't care enough about them to want to give them a gift? I know that everyone's love language isn't gifts, but the idea of not wanting to give a present seems completely strange to me.
76
MISS MANNERS AGREES WITH YOU. And if you think she's a stuffy old hag...well, you haven't read her take people to town. So ignore the people telling you you're a bitch.
77
I was taught to give a gift at least equal to the value of the giant meal I'm going to eat at the wedding. Open bar? Better gift.
If anything the registry makes it easier to get a nice gift without the hassle of actually thinking about it.
Anonymous is a cheap twat.
If anything the registry makes it easier to get a nice gift without the hassle of actually thinking about it.
Anonymous is a cheap twat.
78
21-you're onto something. Everybody (including yours truly) needs to broadcast their snarky counterpoints and make sure that their little egos are heard even if they are hypocritically contrarian from one post to the next. Truth value, validity, consistency and critical thinking: these are merely secondary considerations to personal validation in our culture. Especially amongst so-called skeptics and rationalists.
79
Anonymous clearly states that she's already given them a gift at the wedding shower. It's stupid to suggest she owes them another because she's getting a free meal at the wedding itself.
80
Trust me - for those of you who think she's a whiny bitch, you just don't want to believe how many of your friends feel this way. Celebrating your commitment? Bring it on. I love my friends. I love a good party. Just don't lose sight of the fact that most of us middle class 30-somethings who are getting married already have everything we need. (If you don't think you do, well then you have other issues to sort out. But I digress ...) My respect for a couple and level of excitement for an event always goes up when I receive an invitation that states "Please, no gifts. Your presence is all we need." You bet I'm going to sneak something in--a card, a gift card, something clever. As was stated above, there was a necessity to this tradition back in the 30, 40s, 50s ... in 2010, it's self-entitled gift-grubbing and many, if not most, people--normal, functional, loving, happy, healthy, professional people--DON'T LIKE BEING SHAKEN DOWN by their friends. Oh, and if it’s your second wedding, don’t even get me started.
81
Dear Anonymous. What the f*ck is wrong with you?? You are a worthless ingrate and a shitty friend and should certainly not attend this wedding as you will only darken their celebration with your cynicism. FYI: my husband and I did EVERYTHING ourselves to bring the price of our celebration down and it still cost us over $80/person in site fee, basic food/drink and rentals items (glassware, silverware, sound system etc). Even for a dual income couple in their 30s, ANY wedding, even the most modest, is a significant financial setback--especially when you take into consideration the absolute gouging that goes on when any vendor (even one who sell out of a taco truck, for Christ-sakes!)hears the word "wedding". It's an expense that most couples are willing to take on in order to bask in the communal celebration of their love. Your gift--and it doesn't need to be off the registry; those are just useful suggestions to avoid redundancies--is just part of that communal support. If you're not feeling supportive, just don't go. Save the couple $80 and your bad attitude! Really, what IS wrong with you??
82
Anonymous is not a cheap twat. And why are the women always the ones that get stuck with this crap? This shit gets old:
possible engagement party gift
bachlorette party
shower gift
wedding gift
house warming, baby showers, etc
Top it off they've lived together for years? Those who think this is being stingy is the guy who picks up a $35. bottle of wine and isn't responsible for doing the rest of the crap. Its even worse when its wedding #2 or 3...
possible engagement party gift
bachlorette party
shower gift
wedding gift
house warming, baby showers, etc
Top it off they've lived together for years? Those who think this is being stingy is the guy who picks up a $35. bottle of wine and isn't responsible for doing the rest of the crap. Its even worse when its wedding #2 or 3...
83
I'm curious - are the fire-spitting people speaking up there the gracious, doe-eyed brides and grooms? Crikey. Why so defensive if true love has made you whole? Or is it the wedding you need? Has Anonymous touched a nerve? If it's really about your love, then why not make that part personal? Why not elope (I did!) and have a nice low-key party with your friends when you return? Don't go into debt. Skip the drama and stress. Or wait ... is it about you having your ‘15 minutes’ and wanting the click-flash-flash? How about you let your friends be happy that you found true love (because if you have, you can bet your friends are genuinely thrilled for you--THAT will never become passe) without asking them to treat you like movie stars and spoiled children for a day. Wake up from the fairy tale and marketing spin. If you really see your guests as friends, you wouldn't presume to drag them through your me-me-me episode. How self-centered do you have to be in 2010 to spend $15,000 on an event for yourself, so people will pay attention to you for 3 hours--one where you pass an expectation of a return on investment to your "friends"? Give half that amount to a worth charity and grow a conscience. Your friends will love you for it.
85
@81: You said, in a nutshell, "I'm spending a lot of money on you, so you should turn around and spend some on me!"
Except the $80 you spend on each guest? That's really for you too. The whole wedding is about you and your ego; otherwise you could just get married at the courthouse for (almost) free.
Remember, (s)he who dies with the most stuff, still dies. And probably is more miserable while alive.
Except the $80 you spend on each guest? That's really for you too. The whole wedding is about you and your ego; otherwise you could just get married at the courthouse for (almost) free.
Remember, (s)he who dies with the most stuff, still dies. And probably is more miserable while alive.
86
When I got married, we had a bunch of stuff already, but not a lot of money, so we made a honeymoon registry. People didn't feel like they were just getting us useless crap we didn't need, and we were able to afford a much nicer honeymoon than we would have otherwise. It enabled our friends and family to give us memories that will last forever instead of crap we'll get sick of looking at or have to put in the attic so the kids don't break it in 5 years.
Anyway, that said, Anonymous probably knows what type of people her friends are, so I'm giving her the benifit of the doubt on this one... of course she could just be having wedding burnout, it sounds like this couple isn't the first of her friends to get married recently.
Anyway, that said, Anonymous probably knows what type of people her friends are, so I'm giving her the benifit of the doubt on this one... of course she could just be having wedding burnout, it sounds like this couple isn't the first of her friends to get married recently.
87
Do those of you who are so pissed about the social obligation of wedding gifts feel the same about birthdays too? After all these "people with two cars and a couple of master's degrees between them" probably have birthdays every year too! Gift giving is part of the celebration game in both settings and it's really the thought that counts, buy a bottle of champagne, make something for them, whatever...and don't give me the I can't afford to make or buy a single thing line of bs. No one with internet access is so poor that they couldn't come up with a $20 gift! Even homeless people find ways to gather a few dollars to spend on those most important to them.
89
It has been said, but give them sex toys. Every couple can us a vibe, an assortment of butt plugs and a ball gag or 3. Or maybe a gift certificate would be better.
Alternatively you could donate to a charity in their name. This is a really good suggestion that has been made by several people.
I had friend who recently got married and they added on their cards to out of town friends that us making it was our gift since they know that we are broke. It was really sweet and took the pressure way down.
Alternatively you could donate to a charity in their name. This is a really good suggestion that has been made by several people.
I had friend who recently got married and they added on their cards to out of town friends that us making it was our gift since they know that we are broke. It was really sweet and took the pressure way down.
90
Gift registries were created by department stores. End of story.
Established households should NOT expect gifts, and adding a registry to your invitation? Do you KNOW how tacky that is? That's a no-no in every etiquette book I've ever seen.
Absolutely, so many weddings have become gift grabs. Just because you're registered with the state does no mean the world owes you presents from Target that you will inevitably haul back in your fancy hybrid and try and get cash for them. Luckily you can't.
The writer here is fucking right on. It's about damned time that someone became a "whiny-ass bitch" (because they didn't conform, thou wisened Stranger reader) and said the truth about this corporate-invented way to sell more cheap-ass shit that ends up cluttering a hoarder's back room, still in its package.
Established households should NOT expect gifts, and adding a registry to your invitation? Do you KNOW how tacky that is? That's a no-no in every etiquette book I've ever seen.
Absolutely, so many weddings have become gift grabs. Just because you're registered with the state does no mean the world owes you presents from Target that you will inevitably haul back in your fancy hybrid and try and get cash for them. Luckily you can't.
The writer here is fucking right on. It's about damned time that someone became a "whiny-ass bitch" (because they didn't conform, thou wisened Stranger reader) and said the truth about this corporate-invented way to sell more cheap-ass shit that ends up cluttering a hoarder's back room, still in its package.
91
Somehow I can understand why she's still single. This is a maiden aunt in the making. You know the type...sends your kids a 5$ bill for Christmas and Birthdays. What a sport!
92
If I ever get married again, which I seriously doubt, I will have NO mention of gifts on the invitation, and will certainly not expect any gifts. However, if friends and relatives do want to give something, at their own discretion, I think a "Help Stock Our Bar" gift is fun and easy. NOT TO BE CONSUMED AT THE WEDDING but for use in the newly-combined home: A decent champagne, a bottle of wine with a cute name, a flavored vodka, a weird bottle of tequila, or absinthe for the daring. The more interesting, the better. That would be my way to go, and I think it would bring a lot of fun to the opening festivities, more so than 10 toasters.
93
You don't need to bring a gift to the wedding if you already brought one to the shower. Unless you're in the wedding party, double gifting isn't necessary.
94
We explicitly requested no presents at our wedding. Never the less most guests felt obliged to bring *something*. I wonder in retrospect if it would have been better to give them some ideas rather than force them to guess what might be suitable.
96
The couple must be from out of state.
Everyone in Washington knows that we like our cold, hard cash in little white envelopes as wedding presents or something we can get drunk on or something that will make us cry.
I have been to a ton of weddings and never received a registry ... usually the invites state PLEASE GIVE US MONEY, OH GOD, WE NEED TO PAY FOR THIS STUPID THING or Please give us _____ so we can fix up our ______.
Everyone in Washington knows that we like our cold, hard cash in little white envelopes as wedding presents or something we can get drunk on or something that will make us cry.
I have been to a ton of weddings and never received a registry ... usually the invites state PLEASE GIVE US MONEY, OH GOD, WE NEED TO PAY FOR THIS STUPID THING or Please give us _____ so we can fix up our ______.
99
When I get married, I'm going to show up early, naked, & with 3 dozen bottles of eyelash glue. Anyone wishing to give a gift will be directed not to buy a gift, but to show up early the day of the wedding with cash in hand, otherwise don't bother. Alcohol will be served. Then the gift-givers will be instructed to glue the cash they brought directly onto me. Extra love if it's in a visually-appealing fashion. This should, in one event, eliminate the following: the goofy bachelorette party with that GD TP dress; having to find, buy, or commission a dress; allowing all genders to participate in some version of a strange pre-ceremony bridal ritual; the registry; and lastly the embarrassment or self-imposed guilt & shame from the people who cannot nor wish to send money or gifts our way by providing them an easy out. "Hey the naked and the gluing cash thing ... it's just not me." And I am not biased toward my future groom either. He is certainly welcome to have cash glued to him too.
Well... maybe I'll wear some white fur panties. A tiny bit of modesty and white for the bride.
Well... maybe I'll wear some white fur panties. A tiny bit of modesty and white for the bride.
101
Spending a fortune on your wedding is dumb. You are saying I DO. You get to set the date (it's not a sudden emergency expense). Spend what you can reasonably afford. When I got married we lucked out and were able to have probably 80 guests with MORE than enough food (thanks, Mom!) and booze. MP3 player, free photog found on CL, family member officiated. I doubt we spent more than $1,000. Everyone enjoyed the short ceremony, lots of laughs, talking eating, then went home when they pleased. It was a party we threw for them.
If you must have crystal, flowers, a band and videographer, that's your problem. Do you think that really makes it any more enjoyable for your guests who are supposedly there to share in your joyous event? Hardly. Maybe asking for gifts is rude. Maybe not registering leaves those who WANT to buy gifts in the awkward position of not knowing what the couple would most enjoy. Anon is not an ass for feeling shaken down. But Anon should really just relax and go without the damned gift. Eat and drink as much as you can stand. If the couple even notices, they truly are assholes.
If you must have crystal, flowers, a band and videographer, that's your problem. Do you think that really makes it any more enjoyable for your guests who are supposedly there to share in your joyous event? Hardly. Maybe asking for gifts is rude. Maybe not registering leaves those who WANT to buy gifts in the awkward position of not knowing what the couple would most enjoy. Anon is not an ass for feeling shaken down. But Anon should really just relax and go without the damned gift. Eat and drink as much as you can stand. If the couple even notices, they truly are assholes.
102
fuck the people who expect gifts, or to sit thru the super long ceremony, or to pay for the god damn tux or dress! we all know your together why do have to buy you shit because you decided to publicly announce it? fuck weddings ... unless your gay then their great and totally ok
105
For a gift, make a donation, in their name, to a group YOU like!
They get the newsletter, you get over the headache!
End of tedious story.
They get the newsletter, you get over the headache!
End of tedious story.
106
Most people put a registry on their invites so that people will know where to look for gifts (if they are buying any). In fact, the parents of the bride can sometimes insist on having it on there, or telling people about it.
I am sure the bride and groom don't expect a gift from you, and would not be terribly hurt if you don't get them one. Sheesh.
I am sure the bride and groom don't expect a gift from you, and would not be terribly hurt if you don't get them one. Sheesh.
108
@87 - who gives birthday presents anymore? Aren't we adults? All I want for a birthday gift is a drink. My family doesn't even buy christmas gifts for each other anymore. We do a white elephant booze exchange, and thats it. We work hard for our money & know what we would like the best, so why not spend it on ourselves rather than buying random shit for people that thy may or may not actually use?
109
Reasonable people do not expect gifts, but some guests (especially older relatives) will want to buy them, and a registry is a nice way to help them select something.
I'm one of those yuppie scumbags that got married mid-30's and still had a registry. My husband and I had been subsisting on Ikea (in his case) and donated (in mine) plates, etc. We registered for nicer dishes, but certainly didn't expect them.
We also put several items on our registry that were in the range of $1-$10 (prep cups, bbq tongs, etc). So someone who wanted to give a gift, but didn't have much money to spare, could still find something. We would have been honored if someone had donated to charity in our names.
Other than my mom, no one who gave a gift at the shower gave another at the wedding. My "bachelorette" party was wine with the girls - definitely a no-gift occasion.
In summary: Anon is overblowing the fuck out of this situation. The shower gift (or none at all) is perfectly fine. However, if the couple included registry info on their invite, or failed to write thank you notes after the shower, they're committing major etiquette fail. If they're the type to complain if you don't give a gift at the wedding, they're assholes and you're well rid of them.
I'm one of those yuppie scumbags that got married mid-30's and still had a registry. My husband and I had been subsisting on Ikea (in his case) and donated (in mine) plates, etc. We registered for nicer dishes, but certainly didn't expect them.
We also put several items on our registry that were in the range of $1-$10 (prep cups, bbq tongs, etc). So someone who wanted to give a gift, but didn't have much money to spare, could still find something. We would have been honored if someone had donated to charity in our names.
Other than my mom, no one who gave a gift at the shower gave another at the wedding. My "bachelorette" party was wine with the girls - definitely a no-gift occasion.
In summary: Anon is overblowing the fuck out of this situation. The shower gift (or none at all) is perfectly fine. However, if the couple included registry info on their invite, or failed to write thank you notes after the shower, they're committing major etiquette fail. If they're the type to complain if you don't give a gift at the wedding, they're assholes and you're well rid of them.
110
Whiny or not, I agree with Anon. Especially where established 30-somethings are concerned, it IS unnecessary. It's an outdated tradition that probably stems from the notion of a dowry from ancient times when a father had to give the groom some hefty financial help when the "burden" of caring for the woman shifted from Dad to Hubby.
That's usually not the case today, and I agree the gift registry is a tradition that should die an untimely death. As should most of the "Wedding Industry." Exactly what is the point of spending $6,000 (or more) on a dress that'll be worn for a few hours?
Weddings today are (often? usually?) over-the-top coronations rather than what they should be: "celebrations of the union of two loving individuals," as Anon eloquently put it. And what about the ridiculous price-tags? It's not uncommon for a wedding to cost six figures, which would be a great down payment on a house in most parts of the country.
That's usually not the case today, and I agree the gift registry is a tradition that should die an untimely death. As should most of the "Wedding Industry." Exactly what is the point of spending $6,000 (or more) on a dress that'll be worn for a few hours?
Weddings today are (often? usually?) over-the-top coronations rather than what they should be: "celebrations of the union of two loving individuals," as Anon eloquently put it. And what about the ridiculous price-tags? It's not uncommon for a wedding to cost six figures, which would be a great down payment on a house in most parts of the country.
111
@ladysafety
thats the only thing in my life that ever made a wedding sound remotely appealing in any way.
I am said future groom.
thats the only thing in my life that ever made a wedding sound remotely appealing in any way.
I am said future groom.
112
Oh, for fuck's sake. It's NOT quid pro quo. It can't be quid pro quo. You won't spend fucking anywhere NEAR what we're spending on you, our bitchy, whiny, entitled, self-absorbed "friend". And if you're thinking we're expecting YOU to give us something as part of your ticket price, you're the one with your priorities backwards.
Yep, I'm your thirty-something who's getting married this year. We're spending (yes, WE) are spending a fair amount of change to throw a party that we could, if we so chose, essentially not throw at all. We needed a place to throw it, wanted to feed people, wanted to give people good wine and cocktails, and wanted it to be a night to remember. The total for that evening's tab, were you to do it yourself for the eight hours of experience comes to around $175 a head. Ish. Yeah, we could probably pare that down, but you know what? We live in Seattle and the cheapest place we can rent for that timeframe indoors is still at or around $10,000 for an evening. But we're choosing to do that as OUR gift both to each other and our family and friends who are coming to be with us on that day.
So, you know. Shut up. And stuff.
Do you bitch and moan that OH MY GOD, THOSE YUPPIE BASTARD MOOCHERS don't need more of your hard-earned dollars when you take presents for birthdays? (I'm guessing no, but who knows? Maybe you really are just that cheap. Your nieces, nephews, and assorted other children must think you're something special, huh?)
I'll admit, if you're flying in or crashing at a hotel, that's some dollars out to you, and for those people whom we've asked to be in the wedding party, it's an added expense for their clothing and some of the stuff we're doing.
So do forgive me for putting up a wish list for my parents, grandparents, friends and family who do want to give us something, even though, as I've said to them all, "At this point in our lives we're not looking for MORE stuff, so we put the fun stuff on the website registry. We don't need more "stuff". We're not expecting any other gift than people's attendance at our wedding, and it's an option if you DO want to give us a gift, here's some of the stuff we do like (and will replace with your really nice gift we'll remember and enjoy) but ONLY if you feel like it. We know budgets are tight; your presence is gift enough."
See, we wanted our wedding (which is our first, for both of us, in our mid-thirties) to be what one would call "special". I realize that with the high rates of divorce, odds are good your friends ain't gonna make it till the first two kids hit high school, but then again, we went a different route. We could have told all of our friends and family to just...show up somewhere, told them to bring potluck, or skip it all and go to Vegas.
Or we could choose to treat everyone to a really good dinner, a good evening of dancing and drinking, and get good memories. And if people give us gifts, we'll thank them for their generosity. If they don't, we'll thank them for coming.
That was me being nice.
This, dear I,A, is me being not nice.
Funny thing is, I find it more telling that you're reading a wedding registry as "We need this from you to justify your attendance." So that speaks a great deal to YOUR materialistic yuppie bastardism than your friends'. You're the person who brings a bottle of wine to the party and a bottle of hard alcohol, then takes them home with the undrunk portion at the end of the night. You're the person who'll wear a dress to a special occasion, then return it, saying it didn't look right when you got it home.
In a word, you're a cheap bastard, and you're projecting your cheap bastard issues on us.
You don't want to admit that you're that fucking cheap and don't like your friends enough to give them a gift, but you're more than willing to freeload a chance to go out, drink, dance, and maybe give some head in the hallway when you think nobody's looking on that hot groomsman/woman/llama.
You don't "owe" the bride and groom anything. You don't have to bring a gift. In point of fact, if you're one of my so-called friends, I'd actually prefer you to "gift" me with your absence on my wedding day. I'd rather you, and your affectations of class struggle and singlehood stay the fuck away from us on our wedding day. I'm gettin' married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'm dead-on happy and grateful for this chance in my life. I thought you might want to come be a part of that day with us. Apparently not, because your inner Marxist has decided to unfurl its flag from your socialistically vagjazzled cooch and march around proudly proclaiming its independence from capitalistic gifting. It's sad, because up until now, I'd thought our friendship meant more to you than some cheap chotchke we'll probably donate to Goodwill, knowing you and what you wind up buying anyway.
Guess not.
Surprisingly, we did not build this entire day, plan for eight months, hire a band, get the space, the caterers, select all the wine for the courses, get an amazing wedding dress and a very good lookin' tuxedo, plan the menu, order the cake, and get the limo all fired up and ready to rock, plus put the honeymoon together because we thought we really needed that new set of Crate and Barrel dishes.
We did it because we're deeply in love and we wanted to give our friends and family a kick-ass party to help us celebrate the finding of that love.
So, thanks, but stay home and be Bitter Single Person; we'd rather we didn't have any of those around when we decide to get married. If you decide that our friendship really doesn't mean anything to you, and you're so tit for tat that you think our having a wedding registry means we EXPECT you to give us things, you're probably not our friend anyway, and we more or less invited you because it was expected of us. Sounds like you're more of the person in our circle of friends who always says something awkward that makes everyone need to refresh their drink at the bar or use the bathroom anyway, and we would have probably needed to stick you in the back at the Leftover Awkward People table between the cousin I haven't seen in eight years and that one college friend she knew and felt obligated to invite.
Besides, the wine we've been collecting to serve was made from some pretty sour grapes. You might not like it. It's not really for your kind of palate.
More...
Yep, I'm your thirty-something who's getting married this year. We're spending (yes, WE) are spending a fair amount of change to throw a party that we could, if we so chose, essentially not throw at all. We needed a place to throw it, wanted to feed people, wanted to give people good wine and cocktails, and wanted it to be a night to remember. The total for that evening's tab, were you to do it yourself for the eight hours of experience comes to around $175 a head. Ish. Yeah, we could probably pare that down, but you know what? We live in Seattle and the cheapest place we can rent for that timeframe indoors is still at or around $10,000 for an evening. But we're choosing to do that as OUR gift both to each other and our family and friends who are coming to be with us on that day.
So, you know. Shut up. And stuff.
Do you bitch and moan that OH MY GOD, THOSE YUPPIE BASTARD MOOCHERS don't need more of your hard-earned dollars when you take presents for birthdays? (I'm guessing no, but who knows? Maybe you really are just that cheap. Your nieces, nephews, and assorted other children must think you're something special, huh?)
I'll admit, if you're flying in or crashing at a hotel, that's some dollars out to you, and for those people whom we've asked to be in the wedding party, it's an added expense for their clothing and some of the stuff we're doing.
So do forgive me for putting up a wish list for my parents, grandparents, friends and family who do want to give us something, even though, as I've said to them all, "At this point in our lives we're not looking for MORE stuff, so we put the fun stuff on the website registry. We don't need more "stuff". We're not expecting any other gift than people's attendance at our wedding, and it's an option if you DO want to give us a gift, here's some of the stuff we do like (and will replace with your really nice gift we'll remember and enjoy) but ONLY if you feel like it. We know budgets are tight; your presence is gift enough."
See, we wanted our wedding (which is our first, for both of us, in our mid-thirties) to be what one would call "special". I realize that with the high rates of divorce, odds are good your friends ain't gonna make it till the first two kids hit high school, but then again, we went a different route. We could have told all of our friends and family to just...show up somewhere, told them to bring potluck, or skip it all and go to Vegas.
Or we could choose to treat everyone to a really good dinner, a good evening of dancing and drinking, and get good memories. And if people give us gifts, we'll thank them for their generosity. If they don't, we'll thank them for coming.
That was me being nice.
This, dear I,A, is me being not nice.
Funny thing is, I find it more telling that you're reading a wedding registry as "We need this from you to justify your attendance." So that speaks a great deal to YOUR materialistic yuppie bastardism than your friends'. You're the person who brings a bottle of wine to the party and a bottle of hard alcohol, then takes them home with the undrunk portion at the end of the night. You're the person who'll wear a dress to a special occasion, then return it, saying it didn't look right when you got it home.
In a word, you're a cheap bastard, and you're projecting your cheap bastard issues on us.
You don't want to admit that you're that fucking cheap and don't like your friends enough to give them a gift, but you're more than willing to freeload a chance to go out, drink, dance, and maybe give some head in the hallway when you think nobody's looking on that hot groomsman/woman/llama.
You don't "owe" the bride and groom anything. You don't have to bring a gift. In point of fact, if you're one of my so-called friends, I'd actually prefer you to "gift" me with your absence on my wedding day. I'd rather you, and your affectations of class struggle and singlehood stay the fuck away from us on our wedding day. I'm gettin' married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and I'm dead-on happy and grateful for this chance in my life. I thought you might want to come be a part of that day with us. Apparently not, because your inner Marxist has decided to unfurl its flag from your socialistically vagjazzled cooch and march around proudly proclaiming its independence from capitalistic gifting. It's sad, because up until now, I'd thought our friendship meant more to you than some cheap chotchke we'll probably donate to Goodwill, knowing you and what you wind up buying anyway.
Guess not.
Surprisingly, we did not build this entire day, plan for eight months, hire a band, get the space, the caterers, select all the wine for the courses, get an amazing wedding dress and a very good lookin' tuxedo, plan the menu, order the cake, and get the limo all fired up and ready to rock, plus put the honeymoon together because we thought we really needed that new set of Crate and Barrel dishes.
We did it because we're deeply in love and we wanted to give our friends and family a kick-ass party to help us celebrate the finding of that love.
So, thanks, but stay home and be Bitter Single Person; we'd rather we didn't have any of those around when we decide to get married. If you decide that our friendship really doesn't mean anything to you, and you're so tit for tat that you think our having a wedding registry means we EXPECT you to give us things, you're probably not our friend anyway, and we more or less invited you because it was expected of us. Sounds like you're more of the person in our circle of friends who always says something awkward that makes everyone need to refresh their drink at the bar or use the bathroom anyway, and we would have probably needed to stick you in the back at the Leftover Awkward People table between the cousin I haven't seen in eight years and that one college friend she knew and felt obligated to invite.
Besides, the wine we've been collecting to serve was made from some pretty sour grapes. You might not like it. It's not really for your kind of palate.
113
When I got married I had a registry of what we needed : baby furnitures because I gave birth 2 months before the ceremony (no baby showers in my country). And we asked for small contributions to items. I had everything I needed in time for the birth, from the younger guests.
But the elder guests were not happy about it. They wanted to buy unnecessary stuff like silverware or porcelain plates... because it's tradition. Huh.
But the elder guests were not happy about it. They wanted to buy unnecessary stuff like silverware or porcelain plates... because it's tradition. Huh.
115
You know, I can actually see merit in the idea that gifts should become less associated with weddings, and that weddings in general should be less materialistic. The problem, and the reason I had a registry when I got married? Is people *want* to buy you gifts. They *expect* to. Especially your older relatives, your family friends, your mom's book club. But those people don't always know you very well. And left to their own devices, they'll buy you crap you don't need, don't want, and can't use -- which feels like an even bigger, consumeristic waste of resources than if at least they'd bought you something you'd use, right?
So we made a registry. Prominent on that registry -- the first item in fact -- was a request for donations to two charities we supported: one for gay rights, since that helped us straight people feel a little less icky about getting married when many of our best gay friends can't yet; and the other for an incredible homeless service organization in our home city. The other stuff on the registry ranged from cheap-but-useful items through schmancy china that we only honestly expected our older relatives to go for.
You know what didn't bother me at all? When our friends didn't give us gifts. You know what was awesome? When some of our friends wrote great cards about our friendship, or gave us delightful mix cds of gorgeous, obscure love songs, or hand-drawn art, or cute vintage kitchen items. You know what the only thing was that bummed me out? When some people ignored our request to donate to charity, and chose to buy us clearly expensive, luxury-style items that we'd never use. Though I guess donating those to Goodwill counts as charity of a sort...
In short, if you don't know these people well enough and care about them enough to (a) write a nice card or give a low-cost, but personal gift or (b) cough up some dough for a moderate gift off the registry or a charitable donation, then why are you going to their wedding (and why did they invite you?) in the first place?
More...
So we made a registry. Prominent on that registry -- the first item in fact -- was a request for donations to two charities we supported: one for gay rights, since that helped us straight people feel a little less icky about getting married when many of our best gay friends can't yet; and the other for an incredible homeless service organization in our home city. The other stuff on the registry ranged from cheap-but-useful items through schmancy china that we only honestly expected our older relatives to go for.
You know what didn't bother me at all? When our friends didn't give us gifts. You know what was awesome? When some of our friends wrote great cards about our friendship, or gave us delightful mix cds of gorgeous, obscure love songs, or hand-drawn art, or cute vintage kitchen items. You know what the only thing was that bummed me out? When some people ignored our request to donate to charity, and chose to buy us clearly expensive, luxury-style items that we'd never use. Though I guess donating those to Goodwill counts as charity of a sort...
In short, if you don't know these people well enough and care about them enough to (a) write a nice card or give a low-cost, but personal gift or (b) cough up some dough for a moderate gift off the registry or a charitable donation, then why are you going to their wedding (and why did they invite you?) in the first place?
116
@112, I hope your soon to be wife isn't as much as a raging bitch as you are, or its going to be a long lifetime.
118
@112, you confirm that it's those about to be or recently married who are so enraged by IAnon. ("Stop saying this! I haven't got MY loot yet!")? No matter how you spin it, it's still an "All about me [bride], but deluding myself that it's something to do with you [guest]" scenario. Spend as much as you like--your party won't be any more meaningful or memorable for your guests. I don't mean to be cruel but these parties all fade together.
120
I'm with 115. I'm gonna go registry when I walk down the aisle.
One - we don't live together and we won't until after we are married, so we don't necessarily have all the things we may need.
Two - we are both pretty bare bones right now, but when we have our one home, I expect that we will have to do alot of entertaining, as is custom for our families, so we will likely need non-ikea dishes and stuff.
Three (and my major point of contention) - oftentimes, those people you have to invite - extended family, people who knew your parents when you were 5 but you haven't seen in ten years but it would insult your mom if you skipped them - give you idiotic crap that you never use or couldn't possibly every use. Cheap clothing from some store NOT in North America so you can't return it, costume jewellery from their dead grandmother, a set of neon throwpillows. Trust me, as the youngest in my family, I have seen ALOT of shitty gifts being given to my sibs @ weddings...all because they never thought to have a registry.
People aren't obligated to buy us anything, I'd rather just have a big old party where everyone truly puts in effort to making it a fun night. But if you are going to spend money, please don't buy us something we will bury in a box in the basement because we'd feel guilty giving something that ugly to the Sally Ann.
One - we don't live together and we won't until after we are married, so we don't necessarily have all the things we may need.
Two - we are both pretty bare bones right now, but when we have our one home, I expect that we will have to do alot of entertaining, as is custom for our families, so we will likely need non-ikea dishes and stuff.
Three (and my major point of contention) - oftentimes, those people you have to invite - extended family, people who knew your parents when you were 5 but you haven't seen in ten years but it would insult your mom if you skipped them - give you idiotic crap that you never use or couldn't possibly every use. Cheap clothing from some store NOT in North America so you can't return it, costume jewellery from their dead grandmother, a set of neon throwpillows. Trust me, as the youngest in my family, I have seen ALOT of shitty gifts being given to my sibs @ weddings...all because they never thought to have a registry.
People aren't obligated to buy us anything, I'd rather just have a big old party where everyone truly puts in effort to making it a fun night. But if you are going to spend money, please don't buy us something we will bury in a box in the basement because we'd feel guilty giving something that ugly to the Sally Ann.
123
Best fucking I Anon EVER. I wish I had written it. It should be in the history books for all kids to take note of.
124
And if I was a cunty rich yuppie couple with a double income and a house, presumably in the fucking Seattle area, I would ask that all wedding gifts be either donations to NPR KUOW or to a deserving charity or the ACLU or whoever Dino Rossi is running against...
125
good comments, lame rant! ... I would WANT to give friends a gift on a wedding day & am not a bloody psychic ... hi, here's toaster #12 ... much better to give something they actually want? ... also, weddings ain't cheap ~ well they can/should be, but usually not ... and really does I suppose depend on whether you really like the people & want to celebrate something or are just bitter that you have to be there & hope they have a nasty divorce in like 2 years ... love is good
126
I am really surprised how people feel about this. For me, personally, I hate formal events. I love my family and friends but when I get married, it will be a true celebration. Come dressed however you want, bring whatever you want or nothing. It really doesn't matter. When I go to a wedding, I always bring a gift. Not because I am obligated to but instead because I want to. I am a broke 21 year old who struggles to pay my rent even. And I work very hard for my money. So, easy solution? Stock up. Every time I see wine and cards on sale and I have some extra cash, I buy them and put them in my "gift closet". It's convenient and cheap. There's something for everyone in there- toys for the kids in my life, toys for adults ;) and formal gifts also.
127
Concert or show tix. As long as they're to a good show they're appreciated whatever the cost - plus it's nice to get a present that's redeemed a few months down the road after the glow of the initial flood of gifts has faded.
128
On the other side, I decided not to have a registry and try to discourage guests from buying us anything, and we were barraged with "where are you registered... we want to buy you a present!"... to which we finally caved in and created a registry.
I think the problem here is that the couple shouldn't have invited you, because you obviously aren't close enough with them to be part of this joyous occasion, or you would have just gotten them a card and enjoyed yourself at their special day instead of being a spiteful, whining bitch. Registry does not equal mandatory presents. It's to help people who want to buy, but don't know what to get.
I think the problem here is that the couple shouldn't have invited you, because you obviously aren't close enough with them to be part of this joyous occasion, or you would have just gotten them a card and enjoyed yourself at their special day instead of being a spiteful, whining bitch. Registry does not equal mandatory presents. It's to help people who want to buy, but don't know what to get.
129
Personally, I think that instead of wedding gifts donations should be made to a trust fund set up to defray the most expensive part of most weddings: the divorce.
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