Dear Officer: I sincerely apologize for not immediately offering to eat your pussy in order to get out of the parking ticket you were giving me on Second Avenue last week. Not having any excuse for my illegal parking, I hesitated to make one up when you hesitated to rip the filled-out ticket from your book. Looking back, you clearly were waiting for me to make some entreaty. If I had the opportunity to rewrite history, I would suggest a quick session of cunnilingus on you as a fair exchange for you not issuing me the ticket. Let's analyze this option.

PROS: Being eaten out by me, a bona fide 7. (My girlfriend insists I'm a 9, I think I'm a 6, so we'll compromise at 7.) This was in the afternoon, and studies show that's when women benefit the most from having their boxes munched. Your break was coming up. I know where the clitoris is.

CONS: It would have had to happen in or near a Dumpster. It would have deprived the city of much-needed revenue. It would have had to happen in or near a Dumpster.

CONCLUSION: The pros of me performing oral sex on you in exchange for not issuing the ticket far outweigh the cons—and I regret not making the offer.

—Anonymous