Once upon a time, in a rainy city, I met a guy. He fell in love quickly, and I fell in love shortly after. It didn't go so well. The minute I showed him the pink lines on the pee stick, he decided he would switch into his alter ego, Asshole Boy. Asshole Boy doesn't have a cape, but he better get a lawyer. Asshole Boy has super-loser powers unheard of by responsible people. Asshole Boy can leap from a loving relationship in a single bound! He can impregnate a woman in just a few short months! He is close friends with other super-losers like Deadbeat Dad and the infamous Sperm-Donating Wallet, who are often seen together and are presumed to be inseparable.
The story continues, but it's not that interesting. At least I'm secure in the knowledge that you weren't exactly a magician in the sack, although your disappearing act outside of the bedroom was remarkable. And one day maybe, just maybe, Asshole Boy will grow up to be... Asshole Man. Yes, you still have the potential to become a bigger asshole!
To answer your questions: No, I'm not giving this baby up. Yes, you'll have to pay child support. No, I don't respect you. Yes, you are a bad person. No, there is no Easter Bunny.
--Anonymous
