From the Sep 13 – Sep 19, 2001 issue

Columns

I, Anonymous

I did everything I could to make you happy--even told some little white lies. You are a sexually repressed white girl from the suburbs, so I neglected to mention that I'd been to a few orgies. You said you "needed time," so I pretended I didn't need sex every day (sometimes twice), and I masturbated in the shower every morning after sleeping next to your sexy but lifeless body.

But even I have my limits. When I broke up with you, I told you that I needed more "quality time" with you, more "commitment," more love. But here is the real confession, something you will never know unless you read this: I broke up with you because of my birthday B.J. You spent all of an hour with me on my birthday before going out with another man--and no B.J. As my father always said, "If you don't get a B.J., what good is a b-day anyway?" So the next morning, I told you never to call me again. After you got off work, you came to me to apologize... and I still didn't get a blow job.

So to all the women reading this column: If you don't put out on your man's birthday, don't be surprised if you don't have a man afterward.

--Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.

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