Columns

I, Anonymous

You Never Saw It Coming

You cheat on me and tell me it's my fault because I wasn't very good at sex. (Sorry for not liking anal.) We break up, and you start going out with her because she's so much better than I am. (Anal is her favorite.) She is going to cheat on you, because she is the kind of girl who will knowingly fuck someone else's boyfriend.

Oh look, she did. Six years later.

It is not necessarily wrong to still be attracted to teenagers. (I know you like them small and naive. I'm still small, no longer naive.) It is not necessarily wrong to look for sex online. (Everyone you know also knows you're a cheater, so you're not getting any.) The combination of the two is going to get you arrested.

Oh look, it did.

—Anonymous

Submit your unsigned confession or accusation here. Please remember to change the names of the innocent and guilty. One submission will be published in the paper and online every week.
 

Comments (40) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Good one! First!
Posted by turtlemilk on August 24, 2011 at 9:45 AM · Report this
2
That's what a boatload of COCAIN and COLT 45 will do for ya!
Posted by Arthur Zifferelli on August 24, 2011 at 9:56 AM · Report this
3
jeally much ?
Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on August 24, 2011 at 10:02 AM · Report this
growler 4
Shit....you sure waited out a cold plate of karmic revenge.

How will you fill all that time spent hoping and wishing bad things upon him?

I know how............ A nice big plate of COCAINE!
Posted by growler on August 24, 2011 at 10:15 AM · Report this
SeaNative07 5
lol #4 Now I can't stop laughing.
Posted by SeaNative07 on August 24, 2011 at 10:26 AM · Report this
6
And you still give him your attention because you miss him. What a sad I, Anon you are.
Posted by suddenlyorcas on August 24, 2011 at 10:30 AM · Report this
7
Cheating once in six years isn't exactly proof of a definitive character flaw. It'd support better if it'd been closer to 3 weeks.
Posted by Belle Starr on August 24, 2011 at 10:47 AM · Report this
Spiffy D 8
Wow you tracked him for 6 years after you broke up?

You'd think after all that time you'd have learned to be better at anal.
Posted by Spiffy D on August 24, 2011 at 1:55 PM · Report this
merry 9
@ 3 - Oh yeah, I'm sure Anon is TOTES jealous that her ex got busted for soliciting underage kids online... Yeah, I can totally see how that would work....

eyeroll

Posted by merry on August 24, 2011 at 2:56 PM · Report this
10
@6: I second that.
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 24, 2011 at 3:22 PM · Report this
11
hmm 6 years of hot anal with a hot chick ,poor fella . jelly she is yes , stalked him for years it seems . wouldn't be surprised to find she had something to do with his bust as well ,if it's real . yeah her best freind gave her bf what he wanted , and she lost him poor baby . so yeah jelly lot's .
Posted by whatsbeckgottadowithit on August 24, 2011 at 6:03 PM · Report this
Baku-chan 12
Wow, some people are jumping to conclusions. She might have read about it in a newspaper or heard about it from a mutual friend and thought it was amusing enough to share it. Hell, she might have seen him on one of those shows where they trick pedo-bears into meeting them by posing as a young teen and then videotape their reaction. Maybe that's how he was caught. It doesn't necessarily mean she's "just jellus!!11!1!"
Posted by Baku-chan on August 24, 2011 at 6:18 PM · Report this
13
Yeah, 12, and flying monkeys from my butt may have delivered the letter on Hogwarts-embossed paper.

Chances are, however, that she obsessively (and don't you know it is a she?) paid attention, because her letter stinks of that sort.
Posted by flying monkeys. ha ha on August 24, 2011 at 7:05 PM · Report this
14
Hah. This is my anonymous. Never thought they'd actually use this when I submitted it.

There should be a line break between "Oh look, she did" and "Six years later" or I should have written "Now it's 6 years later." She cheated on him after about 2 months. He's been single for 6 years.

And yeah, what @12 said - found out about him getting arrested through a mutual friend. The whole thing is just funny.
Posted by Original Poster on August 24, 2011 at 7:32 PM · Report this
15
boring.
Posted by pfft on August 24, 2011 at 8:35 PM · Report this
16
@8 i love you so much
Posted by meg213 on August 25, 2011 at 3:41 AM · Report this
17
I liked the use of present and past tense to project the reader to an instant future. It takes the reader along, and it feels less like a smoldering hate. Since smoldering hate is the fuel of this anthology, it will always be difficult for the writer to emerge without shitstains.
Posted by poached on August 25, 2011 at 4:33 AM · Report this
18
Stop snitching, you whore.
Posted by Sausagefingers on August 25, 2011 at 5:40 AM · Report this
19
Why shouldn't she enjoy d-bag's karmic kick to the groin? He's earned the shitty conditions of his life. I'd celebrate his downfall too. I'd raise a glass to the thought that he'll be getting plenty of anal in prison. Clink!
Posted by death makes some of us happy on August 25, 2011 at 6:21 AM · Report this
20
Ive been thinking... Why is it that she equates herself with "small" like a child. It was somehow ok that he liked that and she is jealous now that he got himself a real child? Its sick, and women who try to be like a child to entice a man are doing a diservice to the entire human race. They encourage the idea that to be attractive you need to look like a pre-teen and they encourage men to pursue that pre-teen as the ideal. I guess she trained him well, and comes off as being resentful that she isn't the pre-teen she taught him to desire. sick.
Posted by jojo on August 25, 2011 at 7:37 AM · Report this
brandywineseattle 21
@20 It's even more silly that you don't see the flaws in your argument than it is that you made the argument in the first place.
If we all start wearing sweat pants and hoodies, you're not going to develop a taste for girls in Hanes, are you? I'd love to 'teach [men] to desire' girls in flip flops because we'd all be so much more comfortable.
Frankly, it's pretty transparent that you haven't come to terms with the fact that you are attracted to young girls. It sounds like you're angry, presumably because you aren't able to gratify that desire, and have developed an unhealthy view of women because of it.
Honestly, Jojo, I'm sorry that you're having a hard time and glad that you do understand that getting together with underage girls is wrong. I hope that you have the courage to talk to someone about it before you get yourself into trouble, too.
Posted by brandywineseattle on August 25, 2011 at 9:23 AM · Report this
undead ayn rand 22
@20: "women who try to be like a child to entice a man are doing a diservice to the entire human race"

And what should we do about manchildren such as yourself?
Posted by undead ayn rand on August 25, 2011 at 10:18 AM · Report this
23
@20, also, um, Jojo, the letter doesn't say anything about a "child" or "pre-teen" anywhere. But your post does, 6 times.
Posted by aiff on August 25, 2011 at 10:59 AM · Report this
24
To everyone saying jelly instead of jealous:

You make me want to punch something. Do we really need a cutesy diminutive for an intense negative emotion? Or do you just not know how to spell?
Posted by amerlinh on August 25, 2011 at 8:27 PM · Report this
25
@24: You nailed it for the win!
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 25, 2011 at 11:58 PM · Report this
Minty 26
Six years later? Whoa. Get over it already. Some people actually prefer cheaters cause they get a rush from that dirty feeling. (Not me! I'm just sayin') But who the hell cares about your ex from six years ago? Who cares if he is in jail or has like 100 kids or loves go-go taquitos from 7/11? Who cares if you don't like anal and he does. It's legit, if you guys aren't compatible in bed then it wouldn't have worked anyhow. I'm not saying cheating is cool, but some people are just fucking assholes (ha ha), and like stupid high school chicks. I would say just be glad you got out of that, but you are obviously psycho if you still feel contempt after this long, and I'd say... who cares? Who cares?
Posted by Minty http:// on August 26, 2011 at 12:00 AM · Report this
27 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
28
Maybe she's kept up with him all these years because they have a child together...that would be the most likely explanation.
Posted by John xt2 on August 26, 2011 at 5:27 AM · Report this
samanthaf63 29
She cheated on him SIX YEARS LATER? You can gloat on that? Whatever...
Posted by samanthaf63 on August 26, 2011 at 7:06 AM · Report this
30
It is good to see karmic justice in action.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 26, 2011 at 2:01 PM · Report this
whitness 31
Did anyone read comment 14, possibly the actual writer? Or do people often lie about writing these things?
Posted by whitness on August 26, 2011 at 4:07 PM · Report this
32
yawn...oh wait, maybe if i had a big plate of COCAINE, this column would be more interesting.
Posted by ribs on August 26, 2011 at 6:13 PM · Report this
33
This person clearly spends too much time sober. It is difficult for many of us to imagine the travails and suffering of those who have frequently undergone a sober lifestyle, but they are very severe. One runs very clear risk of becoming petty and mean-spirited; hokey; and a lover of moronic, second-grade humor. I imagine it must be very much like being born a white bourgeoisie, lacking nothing in material or credential, but utterly unaware of any real point of being alive.
Posted by Central Scrutinizer on August 27, 2011 at 5:50 PM · Report this
34 Comment Pulled (Spam) Comment Policy
35
Just me or does it sound like that IT guy from Seattle Children's theatre? (and the art isn't too far off either...)
Posted by JulietteF on August 30, 2011 at 1:25 AM · Report this
36
Agree with the posts about the word "jelly". Fuck, learn how to talk like a grown-up.
And yeah, did anyone read the post by the person who says she is the I, Anon, or are you all too fucking retarded and lazy to read through the whole thing before you start flinging your shit all over the page?

Yeah, if I went out with a douche like that and found out that he'd been karmically served, I would laugh my ass off too.
Posted by fuckov on August 30, 2011 at 3:25 PM · Report this
undead ayn rand 37
@33: "One runs very clear risk of becoming petty and mean-spirited; hokey; and a lover of moronic, second-grade humor"

I've never known a petty and mean-spirited drunk. Ever.
Posted by undead ayn rand on August 30, 2011 at 3:30 PM · Report this
38
@36: I did read @14's post.
You can choose to laugh your ass off.
I still think it's sad.
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 31, 2011 at 12:46 AM · Report this
39
@4 The cold brings out the acid which helps to balance out the sweet which complements the savory in that particular dish.
Posted by mtiffany71 on August 31, 2011 at 12:20 PM · Report this
KittenKoder 40
I find it funny that people actually think she spent all that time waiting to type this out, when it probably took her a whole 5 minutes.
Posted by KittenKoder http://digitalnoisegraffiti.com/ on September 2, 2011 at 8:20 AM · Report this

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