From the Jan 17 – Jan 23, 2002 issue

Columns

I, Anonymous

I am sick of men inquiring as to whether I'm a lesbian. I am not a lesbian because I play soccer or because I live with a woman. Sometimes we even see each other in our underpants, and it still doesn't make us lesbians. I am not a lesbian because I am able to hang out with men and not screw them, or because I can screw them and am still able to hang out. I am not a lesbian because I don't have a boyfriend. I mean, most of you don't have girlfriends, and probably never will. I am not a lesbian because I might merely say "hey," to you, a man I know in a bar. You're probably boring, or unattractive, or I merely want to talk to the person I'm with. I am not a lesbian because I hug my girlfriends hello and goodbye. We're friends--Jesus Christ you're a meathead! I am not a lesbian because I wear men's briefs, I stole them from some guy. You try wearing a thong. Oh yeah, and I have a Sleater-Kinney CD and own a vibrator. Anyway, from now on when I see your dumb misogynist ass I will immediately start sucking your cock, so you know I'm not a dyke.