Peter O. Zierlein

(Do not do this. Marijuana is illegal. For entertainment purposes only.)

Liven up those dull Thanksgiving side dishes by cooking with pot-laced butter! This will not only make your Thanksgiving dinner more pleasurable, but your relatives more tolerable! But first, a few things you should know about eating weed:

Don't eat uncooked pot; it won't get you high. In order for your body to access the THC, weed needs to be cooked with a fat (butter or oil). Because fats pass through your stomach and don't begin to digest until they reach your small intestine, it takes at least an hour after ingestion before effects develop, and then two to five more hours for the high to peak. Eating pot results in a much longer high than smoking, and often the high comes and goes for several hours in unpredictable waves.

Since eating pot affects the brain and body differently, start with a small dose and wait two hours before deciding to eat more. Never drive while under the influence. The effects of eating too much pot can be unpleasant: You might be dizzy, confused, immobilized, and unable to operate a remote control. If you end up uncomfortably high, remind yourself that it's not possible to overdose on weed, drink some water, take a vitamin, and then go lie down and take a nap until the effects abate.

The Stranger's test kitchen prepared four recipes that will make any Thanksgiving dinner more enjoyable. But remember: It would be wrong—and very illegal—to serve dosed side dishes to unsuspecting relatives. As tempting as it might sound—siblings too stoned to renew rivalries, parents too spaced out to manipulate, the medical trials of elderly relatives rendered suddenly fascinating—resist the urge to set a bowl of pot-laced mashed potatoes on the table next to the inedible broccoli casserole.


POT BUTTER

You will need...

  • Double boiler or heat-safe bowl that fits inside a saucepan
  • Storage container

  • Rubber gloves

  • Cheesecloth

  • Rubber band

  • 1/8 oz. bud or 1/4 oz. shake

  • 1 stick of butter (1/2 cup)

  • Grind or crumble weed until fine.

    Fill bottom pot halfway with water, place butter and weed in top pot (or heat-safe bowl). Set double boiler on stove over medium heat for 30 minutes. Stir occasionally.

    Meanwhile, prepare storage container by rubber-banding a double layer of cheesecloth over top.

    Wearing rubber gloves, pour butter mixture through cheesecloth into container. Remove cheesecloth and squeeze remaining pot butter from it. The butter is hot and will burn—wear the rubber gloves.

    Cover butter and place in fridge to solidify. Pot butter will keep in fridge for one month or freezer for one year. Recipe makes enough to get two people very high or four people moderately high.

    We tested the butter on a baked sweet potato. It melted swiftly into the hot, orange flesh, adding a conspicuous but tolerable grassy flavor, producing a nice, mellow high.


    FUNNY STUFFING

    For six half-cup servings, you will need...

  • 1 box of Kraft Stove Top® Stuffing mix

  • 1 cup of water

  • 1/2 cup pot butter

    In a medium saucepan, bring the water and butter to a boil. Stir in the contents of the stuffing-mix pouch, cover the saucepan, and remove from heat. Let stand five minutes, then fluff with a fork and serve.

    Thanks to the stuffing-mix seasoning, all hint of pot flavor is subsumed in Stove Top's signature herbal saltiness, leaving only yummy stuffing you'd be happy to eat even if it didn't contain drugs. The buzz was soft, sweet, and manageable—perfect for a leisurely family gathering.


    TRASHED POTATOES

    You will need...

  • 1 box Betty Crocker Butter & Herb Instant Mashed Potatoes

  • 1 cup water

  • 3/4 cup milk

  • 2–4 tablespoons pot butter

  • Assorted spices

    In a pot, combine water, milk, and pot butter. Heat until a disgusting green layer of oil forms on top and begins to boil. Remove from heat, stir in dehydrated potato product.

    Betty Crocker calls for two tablespoons of butter, which results in a weak high. Double butter if spending more than an hour with family. While pot flavor is nearly undetectable, potatoes reek of weed—to mask add paprika, oregano, garlic. After one serving, we successfully maintained a jovial phone conversation with our father, though we did accidentally make an ill-received joke about a vibrator.


    PUMPKIN POT SPACE CAKE

    You will need...

  • 1 can (15 oz.) pumpkin purée

  • 1 can (12 oz.) evaporated milk

  • 3 eggs

  • 1/2 cup sugar

  • 4 tsp. pumpkin-pie spice

  • 1 package spice-cake mix

  • 1/2 cup pot butter, melted

  • 1 1/2 cup chopped pecans

    Heat oven to 350 degrees.

    Grease 9-by-13-inch baking pan. Mix pumpkin, milk, eggs, sugar, and pumpkin-pie spice. Pour into pan. Sprinkle cake mix on top of pumpkin mixture and gently stir most of it in. Drizzle melted butter on top of cake mix. Top with pecans.

    Bake 1 hour or until toothpick inserted into center comes out dry.

    This simple dessert has the texture of coffee cake and a flavor similar to both pumpkin and pecan pie. Two hours after eating one piece, we felt a warm glow but not much else. If you can't eat two or three pieces of cake, apply a thick layer of frosting prepared from pot butter and powdered sugar. While Martha Stewart would frown upon the cake's sloppy exterior and the clumsy rectangular pan, both would be at home on a Thanksgiving table next to stuffing from a box and reconstituted mashed potatoes.

    To learn more about the dangers of marijuana go to www.drugfree.org.